WHAT'S YOUR BOOTY CALL NUMBER?
It's after midnight and your phone rings. He wants to stop by to 'see' you. You've been doing this with him for a while now, so you just say, 'I'll leave the door open'. You jump in the shower and greet him in your towel and the rest is history. You wake up in the morning and he 'may' be there. He may not! You feel that little tingle in your stomach when he's not. You feel that little tingle in your stomach when he is. You go about your day and in the back of your mind, you're hoping the phone rings and he asks if you want to go get something to eat or if you want to go catch a movie. But, the only call you get is the one telling you he's coming over. And, again, you say yes. Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Let's talk about casual sex, shall we......? 
When we were in our twenties, casual sex was a norm. Everybody was doing it. The thing is that though everyone was doing it, there was still some shame to it. You didn't want to be seen as too promiscuous so you didn't really talk about it. Now, in your single thirties, forties, fifties even, casual sex is just that....casual. But, like it was in your 20's, there is still that stigma associated with it. A woman CAN'T just have casual sex! "Kelly, you're wrong, women can be friends with their casual partners". B.S. Sure, all is great until he isn't available when you need him to go to that wedding with you or to that family reunion (you don't want to show up alone) or when you're no longer willing to do the freak nasty that only you know how to do and he tells you, 'I thought we had an understanding'. Or, how about when he starts telling you about his on again-off again ex or some new chick he's starting to dig. Can you be friends with your casual sex buddy then? Nope! Didn't think so.
Women get emotionally involved. To some extent, that's true...if you're in that single stage of your life where you're dead set on finding 'the one'. If all you obsess about is 'the one', then everyone you come across is potentially that and if you take it to that level and you don't get that 'I want to be with you' vibe, all hell breaks loose. It's not his fault. I'm sure he made it clear that all he wanted was an occassional 'badda-bing, badda-bang' but you heard 'if he keeps coming back, eventually, he'll realize he wants to be with me'. Uhm, no ladies. Not even close. What you should have heard is, 'man, she keeps allowing me to come back so I don't have to make a commitment and if she starts pressuring me, I can just say, I told her I didn't want anything more than what it was'. That, right there.....is the trufe-yep, trufe. Truth just doesn't cut it. Try this quiz out and then come on back and keep reading. I have more to say:
You're no longer in your 20's, so no holds barred. You can do whatever the hell you want. If you're a single female who is fine being just that, you can have casual sex and not get all caught up in all the bells and whistles or lack thereof. If he never asks you to go catch a show, you're fine with it. If he wants you to role play and he'll be the professor and you Mary-ann, then why the hell not? You cook for him, he eats and takes care of you and all's good in the hood. But, for some, it's not that simple and ladies, it's not all your fault. Sex ignites chemicals in the brain, chemicals that send messages to your heart, your skin, back to your brain, that makes you feel that 'this time', it's more than just sex. This time, he's realizing he needs you in his life, on a more permanent level. And the problem ladies is that you've taken casual sex to something more. No longer are you just F-ing; you're now making love. You're kissing him and allowing him to kiss you. You're doing things to him that you think will make him want to come back but instead is telling him that you're not worthy to be kept long term. So, take it back a notch chicas and just call a spade a spade; let it be sex and just that. At least that way, you don't feel bad in the morning :-) or in the next two hours when he leaves, if you're so lucky. "
But, Kelly, he stays the night. That has to mean something". No, it doesn't! It simply means he wore himself out and just can't make it out to the car or is banking on getting an early morning, just before work hookup. Don't fall for the ookie-doke. Don't make it more than it is....unless he tells you it is more. Only then, do you let down your guard....a little bit. Not too much. Can't trust them fools :-) LMAO. But seriously, don't try to make something out of a few minutes, an hour if you're so lucky, of something. It's not that serious.
But, Kelly, he stays the night. That has to mean something". No, it doesn't! It simply means he wore himself out and just can't make it out to the car or is banking on getting an early morning, just before work hookup. Don't fall for the ookie-doke. Don't make it more than it is....unless he tells you it is more. Only then, do you let down your guard....a little bit. Not too much. Can't trust them fools :-) LMAO. But seriously, don't try to make something out of a few minutes, an hour if you're so lucky, of something. It's not that serious. 
On a more serious note however, let's not make casual sex too casual. Okay, so he shows up every weekend or second Tuesday night. Don't let that consistency fool you into thinking it's all about you. He's made it clear you're not that special, otherwise he'd commit. And in saying this, let me stress that protection should be at the forefront of all casual sex escapades...all sexual encounters period, unless you're married, of course. I laugh at that last statement. I'll get into the whole married people having casual sex blog later. Let's focus. Don't allow him or your urges to fool you into not looking out for number one, YOU! Strap him up and then get your buck-wildness on! It's so not worth it and it's so not worth it for someone who has not made it clear that he'll be a permanent stamp in your Life passport. Check it out: http://www.avert.org/casual-sex.htm
It's getting colder; Fall is upon us and then winter. It's prime time for the freaks to start coming out the woodworks. I know my phone is ringing. Men are so predicatable. Just got a call from 'Mr. Sexy and he knows it' and he wants to come watch football with me. Fool, please; first off, you know I don't know squat about football and we haven't seen each other in how long? Oh yeah, since I put you on notice....and here you go. Fine, you are good company and you're delicious to look at but I know my self control. Oh yeah, and Dexter would love to see you ;-) So, come on with it but know that I know what you're up to and if you come over here with anything else 'UP', you'll be leaving with it that way. There's nothing discreet about casual sex. Nothing! And casual sex and infidelity is a whole other kettle of fish. Let's not be naive, we have urges-our eyes stray and few will say that they are 100% faithful. Oh they'll say it alright but when the ish hits the fan and boredom sets in, it's out the window. Or when the realization hits that 'damn, this is really it. He/she is the last person I'm expected to be with?' you start to panic and you foolishly believe the grass is greener on the other side. Little do you know the weeds that lie beneath. And you find out the hard way, when you venture out to have 'casual sex'-because you've convinced yourself that you love your mate and it's just sex with this person. Then all hell breaks loose when one fool falls in love and the other culprit just doesn't give a flying F-fish. I was gonna say fish ;-) Then, casual sex was not so casual afterall. SMH!So, let's summarize, shall we? 
.....unless you can handle what comes with it or the opposite, what does not come with it: respect, longevity, companionship and love. K♥ F
.....unless you can handle what comes with it or the opposite, what does not come with it: respect, longevity, companionship and love. K♥ F--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hooking you up with more info-cause I'm that kinda gal :-)
When Casual Sex Really Isn't
Women trying a love ‘em and leave ‘em approach to sex are losing out, says Laura Sessions Stepp in her book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both (Riverhead Hardcover, 2007). And morality has little to do with it.
Having sex releases a different set of chemicals in the brains of women than in men. Women get a large dose of oxytocin, a hormone that makes you want to bond and create relationships. Men don’t get the same oxytocin warm-fuzzies because of testosterone, so it’s easier for them to love ‘em and leave ‘em, at least biologically speaking. Evolution has hard-wired us for these tendencies, says Stepp, and that can be confusing in a Sex and the City kind of world.
So if you sometimes feel less than casual after casual sex, don’t beat yourself up. Take it as a lesson learned. Sometimes sex is just sex, but more often than not, it is an emotional affair.
15 comments:
Well, not sure how popular ur blog is, so have to be discreet. True, women can't do what men do, and its how we are wired. We do go w the flow sometimes, but long-term won't work. I know the type of person I am prone to fall for, so I stay AWAY! Having been married I can say this, couldn't do casual at this point in my life! It's not something I agree with AT ALL anyway! Sex messes up ppl w their head screwed (I use this word loosely) on tightly much more ppl who missing a few! Makes ppl act crazy yo! Good advice Kellz! Stay away! Esp in this day and age. Of course I'm human (most times) and I do have urges like God intended but so did Jesus and Paul. At least in the 21st century, there's an APP for that! Woi! Peace - StacianDavidSpen
LOL. StacieanDavidSpen, you said it girl....stay away....if you can :-) When you've been single for a while, the urges come and go and sometimes those damn urges linger a little too long and you start to think, well, what would it hurt? Oh, it could hurt, big time. After a certain age, we ladies have to realize what we can handle and do just that...handle it!
Temptation is out there girl and it comes in all forms. You said that mirage and you think, okay, maybe this time and then, bam!!! Quicksand! And it's a wrap, you're caught up either in love or feeling foolish or worse, pregnant to a man whose address you don't even know (in case you need to send a subpeona there).
Before anyone gets on me. I'm not endorsing casual sex. I'm just saying....
Man, from you FB post I thought I was here to sign up for casual sex Friday!!! lol
Ok, so most jokes aside. Casual sex has been around since the dawn of time, and will continue cause it is a very basic and animalistic need that we all have. And since most have not found the one, or are still looking we must find a way to deal with the need. And lets face it, sometimes our favorite "toy" just does not cut it.. (I smell a new blog here Miss Kelly). As far as casual sex goes, please leave the ex alone!! Yeah the sex could have been off the chain but one of you has unresolved issues with the other(you know I am right). Random bar guy.. uh, I think I would rather sit on the toilet seat without the paper protection... NO!! But Sardonic, where does this leave me?? Well, there is no easy or likable answer. In this day and age you have to protect yourself, and since double bagging it only works with groceries and noone in their right mind would agree to being boiled before hand, casual sex has to be narrowed down to those who we know, AND can trust to a certain extent.. But there in lies the rub.. If you get too emotional too quick, just leave it alone!! If, on the other hand, there is a certain someone, who you KNOW will never work out, aaand there is a mild attraction, aaaand you are both lonely... I say why not?? What, I am playing Devil's advocate??? Teehee :p.. But then again, I am NOT the norm.. I would rather be watching the game, or fight, with a beer in my hand than discuss your feelings!! But, if in the meantime I can get a lil sumthin sumthin and not feel guilty about it, or feel the need to use gasoline as a douche.. Ima get mine!!! Disclaimer"The FDA, and awesome chick who wrote this blog may not endorse said expressed feelings" ;)
Oh Sardonic, I have so much to say but I so don't want to start now...oh, I don't want to disrespect you by not doing it justice. So, give me a little time to get this going and I'll sooooo respond because you made some fantastic points. Well said!!!
S-Swag, you must be a carpenter because you're hitting a lot of nails right on the head with this response. New blog-sex toys (putting that in my mental database-ching). Got it.
Now, let's get serious (yeah right). I didn't expect this response from you but then again, the person I was thinking about was a demure roomie more than ten years ago. I like this chick! Ok, girl!!! Whoop whoop!
Casual sex is just that...casual and if you're uptight like some, it's not for your. If you're worried about what people will think, it's not for you. If you're one needy biatch, it's not for you. You get the drift. And, dear God, casual sex doesn't mean you do it casually with any Tom, 'DICK' and Harry. You'd be inviting all types of craziness into that party and I don't know if you want to be the hostess of that. It is about chosing wisely and like you said, and I stress, not with someone you're romantically interested in. Uhuh! Nope! No way! It has to be that mix of 'friend' and 'attraction' and no higher expectation but for God's sake, please let it be someone, who in the event you get pregnant (God forbid), you can stand him for 18 years and he can pass on some decent genes. And, before anyone says it, most women who are mature enough to handle a casual fling are more than likely independent and financially secure enough to handle the responsibility of a 'casual child' alone. Again, it's not for every Jane and Mary.
Did I read you mention 'the ex'? Dear Lord, no! Please do not ever think that because you 'know' him, you can handle it. Too much baggage, memories and they're not all good and for goodness sake, you broke up for a reason. Let it go. Don't introduce again, the very thing that may have been the cause of your demise.
You mentioned something that had me smh. "If you get too emotional too quick, just leave it alone!! " Well, as women, we are driven my emotions. Yes, even you, tough chick. I think I'm fairly tough and 'abrasive' but even I've gotten caught up in the Jedi mindtrick. But, I'll tell you what, I'm better suited for something like this now. Not saying that's what I have going on ;-) That's another blog. Ladies, we have to get ours when we need it. Just be safe and put your tough suit on but leave the back unbuttoned;-)
Man, I love when you respond to my blogs...gets me all hyper and giddy. Gotta get on that next 'sardonic-inspired blog'. I got you girl :-) Did I tell you you're freaking hilarious!? You had be dying. You need to reread what you wrote-too damn funny.
Rahtid! What a whooole heap a tings a chat bout in yah! Kelly i dont even know where to start! i would have to say that most of what you have said here is true! we are just made up differently,but a lot of headache and heartache can be done away with if the truth is told from the get go!
"It is what it is"..... Thats the first mistake..rules have to be set before you get started!!NOT when the horse is already through the damn gate and galloping down the furlong stretch! Then feelings wont get hurt! remember children....even though its a fling/fuck...whatever they are calling it nowadays...we all have feelings so remember that! (yes ladies we have feelings too!)
So, check it. We finally have a man's point of view and Retired (still laughing), I must admit that you hit the nail on the head. The truth needs to be told...but by whom? Both parties, right? She has to be honest with herself and know what she can handle. Chicks are weird...and I'm one. We say we can handle it but when the going get really good-I mean, reallllly good, we let out hearts lead. It's about knowing what you can handle ladies. Listen to the Retired Cockman. Be honest with yourself and in turn, with your 'quickie every other day'. You may be surprised that it is more appreciated than just blowing up when you call him and get his voicemail when no promises were made. And guys, you know you're wrong. YOu go into this mess knowing the women are 'weak' for lack of a better word. You know when they're feeling you. You know when it has gone from just sex to more. And you all don't back out. At that point, the female is too gone to want to leave or even be able to. So, help her out and just leave...don't pass GO. Don't collect $200. Don't call her to see if she's okay. Don't call and ask to come over just to chill, because you know if you do, you'll get a little something something and leave her dumb butt again.
Lawd! Too much. Whenever emotions are involved, it's sticky, because you not only lose a sex partner, but you also lose a friend. Tread lightly and carry a big stick ;-)
So, let me ask...let me put this out there. Here's the scenario: Two people, having known each other for about a year but never given it a chance, got a second chance, hit it off and now are banging against the walls on a regular basis. She's feeling him. He's feeling her. With them, it seems to be a little more than just sex. These fools are talking on the phone all the time, texting back and forth and spending QT together. It's nice, really nice but no one has said what 'IT' is. Granted, it's fairly new but at the same time, they jumped into the 'nasty' without hesitation. Why is it that people can casually have sex and feel so uncomfortable talking about a potential relationship? Funny! So, here are these two again...planning weekends away together, spending the nights cuddling. They kiss, deep, meaningful, passionate. They speak to each other before bed and first thing in the morning. Flirtatious texts are exchanged throughout the day. Plans are made to see each other again as soon as the other is back in town. Plans are in motion to do things like, visit the Botanical Gardens, The Zoo, Gamenight, Paintball or just relaxing at home, watching the same, feet being massaged, kisses exchanged, food being prepared (by her for him). Now, you tell me what you call that-A casual thing, more or just plain stupidness.
It's so easy to be misled by what feels good at the time that ladies, we forget to 'make' him tell us what IT is that's really going on. Next thing you know, you get all caught up, thinking it's something serious and then you call him one day and he doesn't return your call but eventually tells you he's back with his on again, off again ex-girlfriend.
It's a slippery slope/pole out there ladies. Be careful how and who you slide on.
Heres a handy rule..... "If anyone gets mushy/lovey dovey......its over!! That "Used to" work for me.
Retired Cocksmans said men have feelings too when it comes to casual sex. Okay, that might be true but how about you guys share those feelings, huh? How bout that? :-)
And, you too fool. If anyone gets mushy/lovey dovey, it's over!!! Easier said than done my friend. You said that used to work for you. I suppose that is no longer the case. LOL. YOu get soft now, huh? (literally and figuratively)
Here is what I like to call a double edged sword... This SOUNDS like more than just casual sex.. It becomes more than casual when that much interaction out of the bedroom insues, especially the planning of future events. But we(man and/or woman) may not want to ruin what we have so we don't want to label it. Or maybe we are too afraid of pushing the other one away by forcing the issue.. Rubbish!! Why save the heartache for later? Get it out there and avoid that all together! If the on again off again ex is known(leave it alone!), they are on again off again for a reason. They cannot get over eachother or find a reason to stay or leave for good. If it is unknown, then the party guilty of not disclosing is doin a dirty! Or maybe their head is too damn screwed up to know they are doing wrong(hoping they are not intentially doing another harm).. Again, stay away! Somethings are just a wrong time kinda thing. But which do we follow here, our head(NOT that one guys!), or our heart?? I say your head will give you the scientific truth while your heart allows for the intangible "what ifs". Your head allows you to seperate fact from fiction, but here comes the damn heart throwin in its two cents and making you believe things that may or may not be true...On the other hand the heart allows for things that would never come to fruition otherwise... just be...
How do we achieve a good balance?? That is up to the individual. That is why we have friends that we rely on, who we talk to and blab everything to... This is why we blog, twit, and put our innermost thoughts/ feelings out there. Until the "game" ends(and yes, it is a game) we need our team to cheer for us, to support us when we are down and give us a slap on the ass when we are awesome :)(or for a quick thrill)... Until both sides have thrown down the flag, "let's get it on"!!!! Protect yourself, cause they are not looking out for you!
So I have been requested to post a comment so here it goes. Pretty informative and well thought out blog, even tho its from the female perspective..lol. Yes women are emotionally driven but you got some stone cold players out there too. Casual Sex isn't a new phenomena but maybe the rules of engagement have changed over the decades. Maybe it does favor men because we can separate feelings from sex. I don't have all the answers.
I apologize in advance if this sound like a crazy ramble cause I don't comment on blogs. Grand Opening, Grand Closing!
So, anonymous (whoever you are), when a woman is guarded, she's cold but when a man is, he's separating feelings from sex. Do say!? Double standards, I cal it. Even more reason for the woman to 'watch out' for falling objects because it's almost guaranteed that will be the case-especially in the situation detailed above. I guess an eye-opener is an eye-opener, no matter how you get it.
And, if you guys are so good at separating feelings from sex, how about you tell the woman. Make it clear. That's only fair, isn't it? That way, the resentment and hatred that would be bound to ensue, will not. Allow her the opportunity to decide if she wants to remain a toy or not. Just saying.
Sardonic, the whole on again, off again foolishness is just that...foolishness. I call it being weak and selfish. On again, off again. You mean, you're too scared to walk away completely. You hold on to what you're used to and bypass something potentially better for you. But, hey, everyone must learn-the hard way ;-)
But, here's the kicker. The idiot has the potential, future partner right there but only sees her as a casual encounter, every now and then-because he's waiting for what he's used to come back-AGAIN. So, of course, he messes up when the usual comes back and the casual is left wondering WTF! Of course, the usual never works out. If it was going to, it would and when it doesn't, he comes crawling back with this &i*k between his legs, but guess what? It's now too late. Too little, too damn late. Aaah well. I'm tired-I'm rambling. I'll continue later.
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