I'm going to be a Mummy!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: This is a long blog-just preparing you (as if they all aren't). But, give it a go. And, again, thank you for loving enough to support what I love. I truly appreciate you ♥

I THINK I WAS BLOCKING MY BLESSINGS!!!!

I went to church today. Man, I missed going; I‘ve been blaming work for my absence but the truth is, I haven‘t been making that much of an effort-all that changes now. The Greater Ebenezer Baptist Church. And, Keisha must have called my pastor and told him I was coming and he should speak directly to me. Why do I say that? Because, I felt that he was. Each week, he speaks to me but today was different. This was the first time in a long time that I went to church and I wasn’t mad, sad nor in between. I was at peace and oh so grateful, grateful for everything that God has given me. But, as of late, I’ve been struggling with something. I’ve been struggling with the clock that seems to be ticking out of control in my body, mind and soul. I think it has something to do with the season-this is when families get together and I’m yet to start mine.
I want a family. I crave the beginning of one actually. But, I can’t start a family on my own. I need a partner. There are options but I don’t want just any old guy to father my child. I want someone who will adore me and our kids, who will be there, who will fall in love with our family as I know I will. I want the one made just for me. I want my Boaz. Where’s my Boaz? Did he get caught up in Atlanta’s crazy traffic? We know how I285 and I20 are ;-) Was his flight delayed? Is he working the night shift and sleeping all day? Nope, none of the above. He’s right there, preparing for his Ruth-ME.

The name Boaz literally means By Strength, and it seems to celebrate man's personal vigor. A strength that surpasses all aspects of life and love. Boaz is strong; strong and confident enough to love freely, strong and confident enough to exhibit emotions openly, strong and confident enough to show weakness, to ask for help from his Ruth, strong and confident enough to protect his Ruth and let his Ruth know he needs her. That’s my Boaz and if that’s what comes with him, I’ll wait. I’ll wait on my Boaz.

Kel, you’ve been talking about this ‘Boaz’ for a while now. Who in the world is Boaz and what’s the big deal about him? Well, you know I like clarity-you know I leave nothing to misinterpretation and as such, I‘ll clear it up for you, but you have a do a little reading. Click on the link below (bottom of this page#1), read and you’ll understand that every woman has a Boaz and should settle for nothing less. And men, really read this and see how you can prepare to be a Boaz for your Ruth, if you already haven’t done so.

Okay, so now that we all know the story of Ruth and her Boaz, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of this blog. I’m 30 something; I’m single, and I’m sensational, most of the time. I don’t want it to be most of the time. I need it to be all the time and that’s why I’ve decided to stop blocking my blessings.

I want a baby. I’d love to have one next year or be on that path. I’m getting up there and I must admit, it’s scaring me that if I wait too much longer, I won’t be able to have one at all or I’ll have a difficult and dangerous pregnancy. I want neither. What would be great with this baby is a mate to be there for me and our precious bundle of joy. I’m ready. I’m ready for the family. I’m ready. I’ve got all this love to give and I keep wasting it on the not-so-deserving. I want to matter to someone. I want to make a difference in someone’s life and I want that to be my child and my husband. I want to build something with someone, something substantial, meaningful. I want to give love and have it reciprocated. I want to take care of someone and have someone take care of me. So, in order to get to that goal, I must take the necessary steps. I must prepare myself so that I can be THE best mom and wife.

As I do with all other aspects in my life, I have to set a goal and plan. I have to stick to that plan and not allow anything to derail me. I’m notorious for allowing my emotions to take over my life. I love hard. I mean, really hard and when I’m in a relationship, it’s all about me and that person-it’s all about doing whatever it takes to make that person happy and keeping our relationship seamlessly fun. And, as such, I’ve sacrificed a lot, sometimes, my happiness, my chance at a secure future, my well being and sometimes, my better judgment, all in the name of love. I am the ultimate romantic, hoping for the fairytale ending.

I went through a very, very, very rough patch in my life where it seemed nothing was going right-where all I knew was pain, hurt, unsurity, fear, lies, tears-where it seemed as if God had deserted me. He hadn’t. I’d just been blocking my blessings, keeping people in my life who stole my joy and made me spiritually constipated. Along with all this negativity, I was starving myself of things that would make me better able to take care of me. I got my citizenship, finally, after many years of putting it off. I was so focused on my ex and had tunnel vision. I waited for years before I got my Master’s when I could have done it many years earlier. I held out on starting my PhD. I was focused on love and had blinders on. I didn’t take a chance at owning my own home because I was waiting to do it with someone. I was focused on the fairytale and was living in a nightmare. I didn’t have a child because….well, that’s a longer story. You’ll have to read my first book for that one ;-)

But, as I did with these aspects in my life, the citizenship, my Master’s, my home, I had to purge myself of the person in my life who was blocking my blessings-who, at that time had no long term potential and who seemed to be dragging me down. I don’t believe in wasting time. While I was wasting time with the inconsequential, happiness was possibly passing me by. You remember my last blog-and if you don’t, try #2 below.

I hate that people take advantage of the time they have with the ones they claim to care about-they think they will always be around and they don’t have to rush in spending time with them. Why must we always wait until it’s too late? Until that person is gone and we kick ourselves, wishing we’d said those words or made them a priority, instead of an option?

It’s been a long time coming. I’ve had what I thought were relationships but they weren’t relationships at all; they weren’t unions or partnerships. They were just instances where two people spent time together for a lack of anything better to do, thinking it was a relationship. I’ve been blessed. God’s given me qualities that people seem to like being around. Trouble is that HE’s also made me quite UNIQUE; I’m set in my ways-I’m not hard to deal with per se; I’m just not a pushover. I’m someone who doesn’t stand for anyone who will not make me happy, who will disrespect me-and the minute it seems that my happiness is threatened or that my emotions could be in jeopardy because I‘m the only one thinking long term, I’m outtie baby. I run! And yes, my methods are unconventional, maybe a bit wacky, but that’s how my defense mechanism works. It’s that fight or flight mechanism-and if you don’t think I’m worth the fight, then I’m taking flight and I’m not coming back. I don’t look back-I never go back to a relationship that didn’t work. #3
I will give 110% until I can give no more and then I call it quits. I never just leave either; I give the old warnings. I tell you I’m not happy. I tell you that things need to change. I ask you to help us; and, if you don’t take me seriously or make any attempt at helping me get us back to where we were when we were happy, I have no choice but to find my happiness without you. Because, I can be unhappy all by myself; in fact, I won’t be unhappy alone. I don’t allow myself to get to that point alone. #4Kelly, you’re educated, funny, beautiful. Why are you single? Well, I think it’s because my guy hasn’t come yet and I‘m impatiently choosing what‘s available. I’m blocking my blessings. I’ve met many people who’ve wanted to be with me and few people I’ve wanted to be with but either way, God made sure we didn’t leave any ties (no kids, no properties together, no diseases) and for that, I’m so thankful. Because we had no ties, I could walk away, either breaking a heart or having mine broken-nothing I couldn‘t get over with time. I think any man would be lucky to have me in his corner and he would be a fool to think otherwise. What I’ve found is that I’m meeting men who seem to be intimidated by or resentful of me. They aren’t where they want to be and think that I am. And as such, they feel they won’t be able to meet my expectations (the ones they made up in their heads) because one day, I’ll realize I don’t need them and I’ll leave. Dumbasses! These fools haven’t figured it out yet-that I want a partnership. I want to be there for them when they can’t stand alone. I want them to be there for me in my moments of weakness. I don’t care what he has as long as he’s willing to build together, be strong together, grow together. That’s how you create memories stupid. You create them together, out of little or nothing. They don’t know what struggles I’ve had to go through, how many tears and pain I’ve had to overcome, how close I’ve come to dying-yep, dying-they don’t know that I had to and still have to fight to keep this smile on my face-the same smile that I’m told I hardly ever wear. These men think because I don’t complain and I ‘get ‘er done’ that it’s all easy for me. I just make it look that way. But, the ultimate conclusion is, as I’ve been told, I attract those types of people because they are the type of people I want.

Okay, at first, I didn’t agree with that and it would actually infuriate me to hear people say it. Why would I want to have a guy who’s insecure? Well, maybe I was insecure. Maybe I needed to be needed. And I attracted men who seemed to need me initially and the moment they didn’t, I had to leave. There’s some truth to that. But, the part that I don’t agree with is the ‘me leaving if they don’t need me’. I try to make each relationship work- I truly do, but because these are people I normally would not give the time of day, it’s almost like self sabotage. I know they won’t work so I enter into them just anticipating the end. It’s almost like space fillers-but with emotions attached. There go the blocking of blessings again. I don’t want to do that anymore. Each person I meet, takes a piece of me and in turn, alters the person I am and that subsequently leaves me with more to work on before Boaz arrives. I have had to kiss a few frogs but I know that in time, I’ll find my prince. #5
I get my fair share of attention. I have met some wonderful men-men who’ve made me happy to some extent, for some period of time but for some reason or another, we just didn’t work out. When my Boaz comes along, I’ll know exactly why none of my other relationships worked. I’m very greedy-I mean, very greedy. I require attention. Not just from anybody-from the person I’m with. I want it all and that’s because I give it all too. Yep, it has to be all about me and not in the crazy, needy, stalker way either. Let me explain. As I do, I want to be considered when making crucial decisions. I want to be a thought when it’s time for QT. I want him to think of things for us to do that will bring us closer together. Like any partnership, it takes constant strengthening. As I would, he should consider ways of making our bond stronger, memorable and unique-special-one of a kind. Things we do, he should not do with anyone else. They should be unique to just us. That’s just me though. Whatever we did in the beginning to get each other should continue throughout and in fact, be enhanced. If I have specific interests (writing, family, exercise), he should take a genuine interest, because it’s a part of me and I would do the same for him.

I’ve found that I’m meeting guys who pretend to be interested in my interests in the beginning (reading my blogs, my books, hanging with my friends, going places I like, exercising with me) but that fades as time goes on and he feels he’s ‘got me’. And when I stay with someone like that, I’m blocking my blessings. That’s just an indication of what to expect in the long run, if we go that far. I can expect monotony and a lack of effort in enhancing our bond.

Ladies, you meet a guy and he never invites you over. You stick with him because you don’t mind him coming over to your place. You’re blocking your blessings. New guy used to call and text twenty times a day to say he’s thinking of you or send you cute emails just because. Now, you’re lucky if you get one phone call and one text. You stick with it. You’re blocking your blessings. New guy is fun but not someone you’d normally be attracted to, but because you don’t want to be alone, you stay with him. You’re blocking your blessings. You travel for work and only have limited time at home. He doesn’t seem to make it a point to make plans with you nor does he seem to realize how important your time with him is. You keep waiting for him to get it together but he’d rather go hang with his boys and stop by to see you after midnight. You allow this to go on. You’re blocking your blessing. He’s not working. Just lost his job and you’re footing the bills. He doesn’t seem to be pushing to find a job. You stick around because at least you have a warm body beside you. You’re blocking your blessings. You’ve never met his family or friends but who cares? He’s spending all this time with you. You’re blocking your blessings. You see where I’m going with this, so I don’t need to continue on.

So, when I realized it was almost Thanksgiving again and I had not gotten THAT invite for dinner, I had to reevaluate everything. Christmas is right around the corner and thought I usually don’t make a big deal about it, this year, I want to but I can’t because this Christmas, I’m not in a relationship, per se. I haven’t heard differently. As far as I’m concerned, I have no ties to anyone and no one to me, so that cruise I want to take with my girl, I guess it’s on. I have to seriously think about why this has to be the last year that I spend the holidays alone. I have to stop blocking my blessings with people who pale in comparison to my Boaz. I will learn to be patient. I will learn how to say no when they come out of the woodworks and tell me they’ve been watching me from afar (go right back there and watch). I will learn to love me more than any man would-love me enough to know that I deserve the best-that man who sees me with fresh eyes every time he sees me, who will cherish time with me before anyone else, who will realize that every moment with me could be the last and treat it as such, who will kiss me as if it were the first time, every time, who will take a genuine interest in my interests, who will not hide me and will be proud to tell his family, friends and the world, actually, how great I am, who will not see me as his fantasy but will see me as his reality. I’ll wait for him because I know he won’t hesitate to say ’I miss you’, ’I love you’. I’ll stop blocking my blessings and I’ll simply wait on my Boaz.

Like pastor said, waiting on God may be painful but it’s necessary. God may not be on my time but his effect affects me everyday. All things in God’s time. We don’t like to wait because we hate that silence. Silence forces us to come face to face with ourselves. If I’m never in the reflective place of waiting, I’ll never realize the baggage I’m carrying that I should not be carrying any further. When I get into that place of silent waiting, I go past the surface; I can go deep into what I’ve been blocking. Silence is necessary; it’s a prelude to prayer and so I will pray. I will pray and wait. Psalm 130. I will stop asking and forcing God to give me what I think I want. He won’t give me anything outside of his will and I must accept that. I must wait on God with the expectation of change and that change will come. Psalm 91: We think God has deserted us when all we see is darkness around us. God says, ’I’m there. That darkness is my shadow. The adversary sees me hovering over you and that’s why you are not harmed.’ Wait on revelation. And, so, I will do just that.
I will stop watching that clock that seems to be ticking out of control inside my mind and body and I will wait. I will wait for the happiness I deserve-the happiness that comes without confusion. The happiness that comes without lies. I’ll wait on that happiness that comes when someone craves me as much as I crave them, someone who will profess his feelings for me as I will. Someone who can come to me in tears knowing I will hold him and make everything okay. I will wait on my Boaz-and in time, all the rest will fall into place….just like it is for other aspects in my life.

I see very few blogs following this one. I‘m getting ready to make them into a book-because while I’m still going to be 30 plus, I’m going to focus more on loving me than on being single. I’m going to close this chapter of my book, in preparation for the next. I’m going to receive my blessings and in turn, take my focus from what I don’t have to what I will have. I WILL WILL it into existence. If you made it all the way to the end of this long blog, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. This is my passion and just knowing that there are people, who appreciate my thoughts, is so heart warming. Thank you so much! Love you guys-seriously. Wish me luck on my new journey ♥

　
BLOG REFERENCES

#1.  http://bible.org/seriespage/two-get-ready%E2%80%94i-story-boaz-and-ruthi

#2.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/11/if-you-died-today.html
　

#4.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/so-thats-why-im-single-that-makes-sense.html

#5.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/ive-heard-you-have-to-kiss-few-frogs.html

#3. http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/some-say-ex-makes-sex-spec-ta-cu-lari.html