If you died today.....

If you knew exactly how much time you had left to live, how would your life change? Would your life change?

On Friday, someone was killed yards away from where I lay my head. I said killed, not that they died. I can’t lie, it put the fear of God in me and at that moment, I knew that I had to get off my ass and stop procrastinating-stop waiting around for what I think to be ‘the perfect TIME. There’s no such thing as ‘the perfect TIME. On Friday, I curled up into my little ball, cried a little (because I was hysterical-that could have been me) and I wished I had someone to call to come over and hold me and make me feel safe. When I realized that I didn’t, I had to do a self check. I had to get it together and stop wasting TIME hoping for something that wasn’t there-at least at that TIME. So, I took the step to protecting myself and my little Dexie and I took it alone and it felt good….oh, so good. Update you later.
                                                                 
Heavy D died today, at 44, and now everybody is playing his songs, showing his videos. Is that how this works? Same thing when MJ died. We’d shut him down for ten years and now, his music is all over the radio waves. We have to die before people realize our worth? Before we realize how precious each and every moment is? Well, I think that’s bullshit! I hate that not everyone gives that effort everyday-that we allow those we care about to leave our lives-that we allow those who care about us to walk away! I get it-life happens and we lose track, we become complacent and ‘forget’ to say we love each other or we are too proud to say we give a shit. So, instead, we weep over a casket and then, we express our most heartfelt emotions-to someone who can no longer hear us-who can no longer tell you how much it means to hear you say those words. Nope, not me! I’m telling you I care; I’m telling you I love you; I’m telling you I miss you and I’m damn sure telling you when you’re messing up so that you can fix it and get us back to where your well being in important to me and mine is to you.

I remember when my brother died-remember it like is was just yesterday, probably because in my mind, it was. When someone you love passes away, it remains fresh in the mind-and I think that’s because the wonderful memories you share with them remains fresh too. The last time I saw Damain, I was getting dropped off at the train station to go back to college. He was the mushy one out of the four of us and had no problem expressing his love and affection. He’d just graduated college a few weeks prior but didn’t seem too excited about his future. Now I know why. At the train station, he asked me, “when are you coming back?” I answered, “August 16^th.” He said, “I’ll try to be around.” Can I explain to you how painful that is to even type right now. The tears are beginning to fall down my cheek. He gets me like that-even now-eleven years later. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t spend the TIME to ask him what he meant or to try to figure it out myself. He hugged me then and told me he loved me and I just said, ‘yeah, whatever, get outta here’ like I always did when he told me so. I’d give ANYTHING to go back to that day-to tell him I loved him too and hold him a little bit longer. Had I known that would be the last time I’d see my brother, I would not have left him. I would have stayed and helped him add years to his life-but I left. I took for granted that he’d always be there.

When I got that call telling me that Damain was in the hospital, my world fell apart. That call was different. He was always in the hospital-having sickle cell anemia does that to you. But, this time was different and I knew it. It was all I could do to get home but no matter what I did, I could not get out of Pittsburgh. My flight was cancelled, the buses were late and I just sat on the floor at Concourse A in Pittsburgh, after getting off the phone and I cried. I cried so hard because I was just told that he had passed away. Passed away! How horrible does that sound. It’s almost as if he’d expired-like he had a set date that his life would end. And, you know what? I guess he did and I guess we all do. The thing though is that unlike the milk carton where it says, ‘good before ____’ or ‘expires on ___’, we don’t get that notification. Everyday could be that day. Everyday could be that last hoorah!! And, I wasn’t there to share in his.

I got home the next day. If not for Stacy, I would not have and for that I will love her until the day I die. That’s a whole other blog but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention her here ;-)
　
Can I tell you what makes me sick to my stomach right now, at this moment and every single time I think about it? I didn’t go to his graduation. I could have but I didn’t. I convinced myself he didn’t need me there and that was it. I didn’t go. I stayed home and I slept and when he got back, he didn’t mention it. He didn’t even try to make me feel bad and I wish he did-just so I could let go of some of this guilt that I still feel eleven years later. Another thing that I’m ashamed to admit, but you know me, I will. I don’t have ANY pictures with me and Damain. Nope, not one. I never spent the TIME to have any taken. Here come the tears again. Instead, I have his graduation pic where, where, when I look at it now, I can see where his brain was swelling up, one pic from back in Jamaica and his funeral picture. I don’t have a lot of regrets. I try not to-they weigh me down but I regret, with all my heart, not putting forth that effort to share with my brother, something so simple as being at his graduation or hugging him or saying ‘I love you’. So, now, I go crazy with the camera (yes, you all know that). I snap everything and everyone. I try to hold hostage those memories that mean the world to me-that have made me laugh, cry and smile. I store it all on some type of medium and I revisit them ever so often and I relive those times-those times that warmed my heart. I will never again regret losing someone I love. NEVER!!! I’ll do all I can to make them know-even to the point of making them uncomfortable. So, when you guys see me going crazy on FB with my crazy posts, gimme some leeway here. I’m just trying to share my love for you, with you ;-)

I did see Damain again. Yep! In his white casket. I’d just picked out his clothes and brought it to the funeral home. The guy asked me if I wanted to see him and the look on my face told him that I didn’t want to. I NEEDED to. I looked at my brother laying there, swollen and dark. He didn’t look like my Damain. He was too dark-but then I realized that’s what happens when you have a brain aneurism. But, I knew it was my little brother because when I held his little hands, I could feel his love. When I kissed his frozen face, I still felt his kindness. When I put my head on his chest and told him I loved him, I could feel that he heard me. And, I didn’t cry-not one tear-not that day, at least. I just stayed there with him and I told him everything I wish I had when he was alive.

You reading this! Yeah, you. If tomorrow you realized that there would be no more blogs from me or no more craziness on FB or you’d never hear my voice again-because I died, would it affect your life? How about this one? If you got up tomorrow and the person who seems to have taken up permanent residence in my mind had passed away, would your life be affected then? Would you shed those tears of regret and wish you had just a moment to tell them how much they meant to you? Would you regret that last fight or not giving them that last kiss or telling them how much you missed them? I know I would. And because of this, I try to show my affection for those I care about-not sometimes, but everyday! That’s what you do when you care for someone; you let them know and you let them know often.

I went to see ‘In TIME’ today-at the behest of Simi (you seem to be showing up a lot in my blogs Missy). And, I must say, she was on point. I didn’t know she was psychic though. How did she know I needed to watch that-TODAY!? I sat in that 2hr movie, mesmerized, and I took notes. Yup! I couldn’t help but take notes. That movie was so powerful. It hit on nails I didn’t even know I was hammering. And then, I spent some TIME discussing it with my brother Junior, who, strangely enough is kinda deep. Love you bro ♥

I used to spend my TIME worrying about finding someone with whom to share my happiness, my successes, my sorrows, my woes, my days, my heart and as such, I found everything that was wrong for me. I hated to think of them as TIME wasted but in essence they were-because while I was investing my TIME and heart into them, making them a priority, to them, I was only an option-and to me, that’s TIME wasted and we all know the cliché, TIME wasted cannot be regained.

In the movie, everyone is given a 26 year credit on life. On their 25^th birthday, a clock goes off and at that point, they no longer age, physically that is. On that day, they then begin to use their last year and that last year, ironically is on a clock, embedded in their wrist-like you’d wear a watch. At the end of that year, they just keel over and die-yep, right there where they stand, and no one thinks anything of it. What’s interesting though, is that in that year, they can work and gain extra TIME. They can kill and steal other people’s TIME. They can share TIME with each other. It’s such a realization of human nature and how we view what’s important. I’m going to see it again this weekend because I want to analyze it a bit more.

In that world, everything is paid for in TIME. Food? TIME. Travel? TIME. Rent? TIME. And, it’s so simply written but so deep. I don’t want to give the entire movie away because I’d like you all to go see it and come back and blog with me, but I must say that the writing was so phenomenal that Justin Timberlake’s mediocre acting was overshadowed by the movie's brilliance. I could have acted in it and it still be a great movie.

Andrew Niccol put his foot in this one and Justin Timberlake really did give it a good try. Let me lay something on you, a few of the clichés in the movie (without giving it away, of course). In the movie, people were seen holding each other by the wrists, an action that if seen today, in real life, could be interpreted as being quite intimate/personal. Well, as I think about it, in the movie, they do that to share TIME with each other, or to take TIME from each other. And how intimate is that? How often do we take each other’s TIME for granted? Where we just assume they’ll always be there and their time will never run out and neither will yours. The movie lacks a certain finesse and also a sense of humor but trust me when I tell you that’s not what you’ll be focusing on. You’ll find yourself reminiscing. You’ll find yourself analyzing situations you’re in right now. You’ll find yourself thinking of changes you can make in yourself for those people you care about, right now, right here! It’s deep baby! I wouldn’t lie to you.

On more than one occasion, you’ll here Will (J.Timberlake) make reference to gambling and saying that he doesn’t have TIME to gamble with or that he only gambles with TIME he knows he can win and it made me think of how often I gamble with time, in a new relationship, for example-where I invest my time, hoping to gain in the end and not lose TIME. “How do you win at gambling TIME?” he was asked. He said, “I let them think they have the upper hand. I allow my TIME to dwindle and as it comes down to the last seconds, they start to watch my clock, instead of theirs and that’s when I take it. I take their TIME.” Man, listen, you just have to see the damn movie. How true is that mess? We sit here, watching other people, worrying about what they’re doing. Hating on them for what we think they have. Waiting for them to make a move and then, next thing you know, you’ve lost your TIME.

Will was from the ghetto, where the people there live on a day. That’s all the time they usually have and as such, they have to work everyday to get more time. But, because they know they only have a day, they use it wisely, they enjoy it, they cherish it. A stranger comes into town and is wearing his ‘watch’ out in public, showing that he has 105 plus years to spend. He proceeds to buy everyone drinks and brings attention to himself. Will tries to help him, saying that he could get killed for showing all that TIME but after a little drama scene, Will learns that this guy has been alive for 100 plus years and is mentally drained. The guys asks him ‘if you had all the time I had, what would you do with it?’ He responded, “I wouldn’t watch it and I wouldn’t waste it.” And then, the movie gets juicy. Then Andrew Niccol puts his writer/director hat on.

There was a funny scene (to me, at least), where a hooker was trying to get her earning on. She goes, “I’ll give you ten minutes for an hour.” I damn near died. It’s funny what’s important when your TIME is precious. It’s funny how we watch our clocks/watches when we’re on a deadline. It’s funny how we don’t when we have nothing dire going on. We abuse TIME. We abuse each other’s TIME. We selfishly hold on to people who we know we don’t want a future with just so they can’t have one with anyone else. We rob people of their TIME when we realize they care and use it to boost our egos. We waste TIME holding on to the past when the future isn’t even promised. You go the movie man-go see what happens when someone dies with TIME left on their hand. You’ll love it and it’ll make you rethink the way you do things-and if it doesn’t, I’ll give you all $1.

You know how we have those people in our lives who we only hear from every now and then, who we only text or call twice a year? We have to do a little better than that, huh? Heard in the movie, “Hey, can you spare five minutes?” The response, “Nah, I don’t have time to waste.” Too cool. Five minutes, in the movie could be the difference in your living and dying and as such, you protect it, you cherish it. However, that same five minutes, spent with someone you love or care for, could mean the world. Will asked his squeeze (who was so far out of his league-or so he thought), “What do you want?” She said, “happiness.” He goes, “So, what are you waiting for?” And she was dumbfounded. Makes sense to me. Here he was from the ghetto, living on a day at a TIME and her watch was ticking with over a century. He thought he couldn’t live up to her standards, that she was better than he was, that she couldn’t love him and in turn, he couldn’t give her what she was used to. What he didn’t realize was that it didn’t matter how much TIME she had, what mattered was that she wanted to share it with him. It’s not about what you have, it’s about the quality TIME you spend with the ones you love. It’s about building a future with what you have and using your TIME wisely, not allowing it to run out without getting that happiness.

As I’m writing this (right now), I get a text from a dear friend of mine in New York. ‘I just wanted to say hi and that I miss you’. I haven’t heard from him in months. We used to teach together and he calls me his little sister. We have that kind of bond where if we don’t talk for years, once we do, it’s as if we never did. I ask him what’s up and he tells me he has to go on permanent disability. I ask why and here’s his response, “Kelly, I’m dying, lmao”. He had cancer back in 2003 and beat it, or so he thought. It came back two years ago and he beat it again. But now, as we text back and forth, he’s telling me that because of the meds, he has to go on permanent disability because the meds have eaten away at his bones and it’s hard for him to move around. He’s eight years older than me. Too short! I’m telling you, life is way too short. Too short to be holding out for what you think is better than what you have. So, I tell Michael that I love him and that I hope to see him soon. And I’m not just saying that. I’m going to take a trip to NY and see him and my other friends who have continued to love me even though I don’t return phone calls or answer when they make that attempt.

In the movie, Will shares his winnings with his best friend and like we all do when we get something extra, we……I can’t tell you, you have to go see the movie. You’ll hear a few times throughout the movie, ‘where did my time go?’ and it’ll ring through with such intensity how valuable your time is and the time of others.
I’ve been blessed and yes, it took hard work but this past year and a half, my life has changed. I’ve been able to do for myself what I couldn’t before and I appreciate it every single day and I give thanks to GOD every single day. The way my life is, it seems as if I’m being robbed of my time. I work away from home and only get two days a week to have a semblance of a life. I go home and I want to do it all. I want that two days to represent the entire week and as such, I try to spend it with those who make me happy. I try to do things that will leave a lasting memory on my heart. The problem is that I’m wasting the other five days, worrying about the two that I can’t wait to get home to. You see, I want to be happy and more times than not, I ‘think’ I am. And, that may be because I don’t have much to compare it to. I used to think that I needed someone to be happy. I don’t but it would enhance it. So, when I’m out on the road, I close that door for possibilities, thinking that the person for me in only in Atlanta. How foolish! Little do I know that my Boaz could be right here in Indiana or Chicago or the airport in between and instead of wasting my TIME focusing on what isn’t focused on me, I need to enjoy my ME TIME and be open to the possibilities. But, Kelly, I thought you said you can’t waste TIME waiting around? I did say that and I stand firm to that. I’m saying that right now, you may not have the one you want or you may not be happy where you are (work, money, love, family) but you have today. You have today to make a difference in your life and possibly in the life of someone else. Use that TIME to not dwell on things you can’t change nor should you use that TIME to plan too far ahead for a future that’s not guaranteed. Use this TIME right now to live and to love.

I’ve got a few things planned and if my clock permits, I hope to carry them out, with someone or by myself. Either way, it’s going down. I’m going to travel like I always wanted to, hitting every spot on my Bucket List. Oh yeah, speaking of bucket lists-I need to update mine because it seems I’ve done quite a few and need to remove some things that, not only doesn’t it look like they’re going to happen, but I’ve accepted that if I don’t get to do those, it’s okay ;-) I got to skydive. If my clock ticks to next May, I’m going to Paris. Monday brings something new for me and in a month, another change (fingers crossed). It’s all about patience, sacrifice and longevity and I’ve got those-all I need is the TIME. Can you spare some?

Yep, I know this was a long blog-that’s Kelly for you-long winded. I have a lot to say and you know I have to get it out-I have to share. And, the fact that you read this far means a lot to me. I love you for loving me enough to share in what makes me smile. But, seriously though, go see ‘IN TIME’-go see it tonight-don’t waste any TIME in doing so. LOL! You’ll be glad you did and after you see it, you better come on back here and drop me a comment or two.


You'll love it, I promise!