THE 7 DEADLY SINS OF DATING!!!!

I’m dating (I think). Are you?

Disclaimer : Everything you will read below is my opinion and based on my experiences. Do not use this to determine the basis of a breakup or reconnection, unless, of course, you really value my honest, intelligent, rational advice. Tee hee ;-)
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Let’s define dating, shall we? Dating (in Kelly’s world), is the art, yes, I said art, of wooing and courting-the action of demonstrating and assuring your partner that this is not just for today. Dating is the mode of getting to know each other on a different level with each and every new encounter you share. So, I guess, we are all in the process of dating or at least, at some point, we did or will be.

Yes, you married people are still dating too. Well, I sure hope so. With each new day, each time you do something together, you’re dating-you’re getting to know that person on a new and more intimate level and if you’re not, you are committing one of ……

of Dating (Just in time for Halloween too)




1. Thou shalt not have a sense of ENTITLEMENT

When it’s ‘new-new‘, we go all out. We don’t assume anything. We dress to the T, our speech is different, our breath is always fresh ;-) We get the sexy voice going. We smell great. We return phone calls. We answer phone calls. We leave voicemail. And…we TRY! We try to be ‘perfect’. Until a LOVE BLOCKER creeps in. Entitlement is one such LOVE BLOCKER.

Gotta give to get

You may ask, ‘who is frequented by this LOVE BLOCKER?’

- Narcissists
- Ballers
- Ladies with ‘daddy issues’ and ‘mama’s boys’
- Spoiled brats (either by parents or past loves)
- Etc.
So, how does that sense of Entitlement stop us from fully loving each other? Well, when we place parameters/limits/expectations on someone else’s actions, it is almost guaranteed they’ll demolish those expectations. After all, we are human and when anyone is pushed into a corner, what do we do? We come out clawing/guns blazing!!

You may be saying/thinking:- I deserve to be loved unconditionally. If s/he loved me, s/he would do blah blah blah
The other person hears/thinks:- Sorry, but you may be unconditionally lovable; but you’re not unconditionally likable
You may be saying/thinking- Everything should always be fair and equal in a relationship
The other person hears/thinks:- Okay, so we’ll share the money, the car, the friends. Will we also share the blame?
You may be saying/thinking:- I should never get bored in a relationship; excitement is a requirement (And you expect it is your partner's job to entertain you?)
The other person hears/thinks:- Unless we’re running a circus, we will have downtime. Good luck with that. “Dance!”
You may be saying/thinking:- If I do not feel "in love" all the time there must be something wrong with my partner
The other person hears/thinks:- So, now I’m going to have to say ‘I love you’ every time he/she does. That takes away from the ‘special-ness’ of it all. Talk about NEEDY!
You may be saying/thinking:- We should never fight. Fighting is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship
The other person hears/thinks:- I’ve got a crazy one here. Arguing/fighting is very healthy, the good fights, at least. Not only does it make for good makeup loving but it shows that we care enough about each other to ‘duke it out’. Start to worry when the other person or you chooses to walk away instead of staying to ‘fight’ it out.* Note to self: If you do argue/fight, someone has to make it right/say sorry-and it does not have to be the person who was wrong. Never go to bed mad! *Cliché*

So, in conclusion, (because I am a science teacher-and I like steps and results), here’s the end all, be all-Do not walk around with that sense of entitlement, no matter how new or old the relationship is. People are people and we get what we give (if we’re lucky). Chances are that if we express what we want, in a reasonable fashion, our counterpart, being of sound mind and body, will reciprocate. But, don’t just expect things automatically because you’re so freaking special. Trust me, you’re not! And, if you don’t get what you need from your partner and it keeps you up at night, reevaluate.

2. Thou shalt not be a party to RAD (reactive attachment disorder)-Lack of affection

You’re new to each other. Your initial reaction was lust and you want that ‘lust’ to stay active in the relationship. I know, I know (lust is one of those sins) but you want that physical attraction to be there, to permeate into your thoughts so that when you see the person, you want to hug them, you want to kiss them. If/when that ‘lust’ goes away, it’s quite possible that someone else is receiving that affection and it’s sometimes impossible to get that back at that point.

Serious PDA

So, PDA is acceptable and encouraged. Hold hands, kiss her, kiss him, grab his butt, why don’t you?! I love that stuff myself, especially that forehead kiss. Show them you WANT them. Show them you care. And, for goodness sakes, don’t be afraid to share how you feel about him/her with those people who mean the world to you (family and friends). It solidifies it in your mind and heart and allows others to share your joy. Pssst! And it shows him/her that you care enough to let the whole world know.
You used to text sweet nothings all the time, just to let them know you’re thinking of them. Then, you stop! And now, you’re both left wondering if they still care. Never lose that fire. Never lose the urge to say ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you.’ And, if you must spend time apart, adopt the better of the two: "absence makes the heart grow stronger" as opposed to "out of sight, out of mind." Don't get lax on your normal routine and show of affection because the person is not right beside you-within breath smelling range.
- “But, if I show them I really care, they’ll use that against me.” That’s quite possible but how will you know if you don’t try.

Here’s what the professionals say:"Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy."

Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain.
Check it out- http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/2008/12/adult-attachment-disorder.html

So what do I do? Well, like I told a friend of mine “Always show affection, especially when you think you don‘t need to; and when you fight with her, hug her, kiss her. Love the pain, anger and hurt away.” It works every time.

3. Though shalt not allow SOMBERNESS to enter your world-Lack of laughter

I laugh at least three times a day. I try to have a belly laugh at least once. What makes me happy? Life and my boonkie Dexter. I look at him and my heart sings. That’s how I want to feel in a relationship. That’s how I want to feel in a relationship everyday. We forget to enjoy each other and what’s even worse is that we forget to enjoy ourselves. I am hilarious! I don’t need anyone to tell me this. I know I am. And, I love to make people around me laugh too. In a relationship, I love when my man laughs-that belly laugh. It makes me feel good to know that ‘I’ made ’his’ heart feel good. That’s why I try to up the mood on FB. If I can’t be with you in person to make you giggle, then I want to tickle you via my wall ;-)

So, of course, in the beginning of a relationship or while in a relationship/marriage, laugh together, often. Don’t be afraid to share your joy with the one you love or are interested in. When the mood hits you, have a tickle fight. Why the hell not?! Just have tissue close by for the clean up ;-)
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile and you burn more calories smiling than you do hating each other.
Check it out: http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/pdf/Laughter_Good_Medicine.pdf

 

4. Thou shalt not entertain MONOTONY
 “Baby, who do you want to be tonight?”
“I‘ll be Madonna and you can be Dennis Rodman.”
“Okay, but who‘ll wear the dress?”
LOL



I'm bored



You have to *spice it up* Lack of spontaneity is like a cancer. Once you get into that habit, it spreads and soon, you‘re stuck in boredom-land, confused about how you got there. You have to be open to trying new things. You have to be comfortable enough to know that you won’t be judged and that the fun won’t be just for today. When you first meet each other, be yourself. Let them know you’re an extrovert from jump street so that when the whips and chains come out later, nobody’s surprised ;-)



And be creative! Think! Think about what that person would like. Think about what you like that may trigger a ‘like’ in your partner. Be open to trying new things with your partner. This year, I went on ‘Atlanta’s Great Urban Race, run for Cancer and skydiving, yep, skydiving. And before it gets too cold, I’m going horseback riding and white water rafting (again). Problem is that I did those things single and I hope to do the remainder as a couple. *fingers crossed*

I love doing new things. It gets me out of my routine, allows me to experiment and shows that I’m open and willing to creating memories with the person I’m with. I love surprises. This guy I was seeing, ‘THE EX’ used to do cute things all the time. We played hide and go seek with the dogs and each other. We had our usual Monopoly game on Tuesdays (though it was routine, it was special), we would take walks, have picnics, he’d leave me notes on the fridge and at times, would pack me a lunch for work. I’d come home to dinner, I’d find love notes in my shoes. I’d get text messages to meet him ‘somewhere’ at some time and another message telling me not to question it. He’d buy me little inexpensive trinkets just because. He’d send me ecards just because and I’d get flowers (not just roses-sometimes some names I haven’t even heard of). Teddy bears would show up on my passenger seat and tickets to a baseball game under my windshield wipers. Wait a minute! Why the hell did I break up with him? LMAO But, the fact is, he thought of me, what he thought I’d like (didn’t even have to be sure I’d like it) and he went for it because he knew, regardless, it would make me smile. Damn him!

　

5.  Thou shalt not elicit DECEIT

Lies? Just don’t do it. I don't have to go into too much details with this. This is really self explanatory. Be open, especially if you’re afraid to be. It saves you a lot of hassle later on. And when a lie catches up with you, its bite is so much more worse than its bark-not to mention the embarrassment of it all. And, you run the risk of losing someone who you’ve come to love for a lie you told when you first met them-that you may have forgotten but they didn't.

Being pretentious? Avoid at all costs-no need to try to impress someone based on what you think they will like. Too much work-otherwise, you’ll have to keep up that façade and it gets expensive ;-)

Simple and to the point-JUST DON’T DO IT!!

6. Thou shalt not lay down with HIBERNATION

It’s almost wintertime and we all want to be at home, cuddled up, in our underwear, watching movies for three/four months. NOPE! Get ya ass up and go out and do stuff. A picnic? I’m down for it. A random walk? Let’s go. A weekend trip? Come on. Let’s go to a cabin? Sure.

I love to frolic. I love the outdoors. I love getting dressed up and going, just going. It doesn’t matter wehre I’m going as long as I’m going with you. Just recently, this fabulous guy called me up and asked me to go to a strip club with him and his cousin. Now, that was spontaneous. He thought of me, knew I was outgoing and wanted me around. I loved that-a lot. Shhh! Don’t tell him ;-) Just think of me and I’ll be down for whatever.

And when you spend time outside of the home, you don't have a choice but to talk, learn new things about each other. At home, in bed, more than likely, there's not too much talking going on ;-)

7. Though shalt not communicate with INCOMMUNICADO

You have to communicate. You just have to. And not only do you have to talk to each other but you have to listen too. Communication is like a two-oared boat. We need both oars going in the same direction, otherwise, nobody’s going anywhere.

I’ve found that the older men become, the less they want to express themselves. Women, on the other hand, tend to be very talkative. We want to ask questions and demand answers. And, when we don't get it we create our own assumptions and stories. So, why not just offer that clarification-ease our minds and in turn, we'll ease yours ;-)

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I’m guilty, of some, maybe most, okay all of these relationship sins, at some point or another. And, yes, that may have been 90% of the reason I remained single. The other 10% was my refusal to settle for less than what I knew would make me happy. I don’t regret my decisions but I’m ready to do better, to realize my faults and work towards becoming a better person, a better partner, a better mate. Don’t judge me. I’m trying.

So, let‘s stop sinning people; let’s go to relationship confessional. Let’s confess our sins to ourselves and to each other. If the relationship is worth it, if the marriage is worth it, let’s work on it together. Let’s grow together as better people, better couples and I guarantee you, with effort and consistency, how can we fail?!

~KLF~

Sing it baby!