We need to talk!!!!!!!!!!

We need to talk

Every guy hates to hear this…it’s like kryptonite and inside, they shrink and revert to a fetal state and lose all auditory capacity and neural function. Ladies, we know it’s hard to talk to our men, almost impossible. There are the lucky few who have great conversation with their partner but I’m sure it took work, it took time and it took patience and a lot of compromise.

I’m an educator-been one for ten plus years and had wonderful success. I pride myself on being a good communicator. I didn’t say great. I said good. I’m working on being great. If you know me, you know I love to express myself. What you don’t know is that I’m very shy. Yep! Very, very shy. I’m also very private (you wouldn’t believe it if you’re on my FB). I have to feel comfortable with you. I have to know that you’re not judgmental and that you understand my quirky ways before I let down my guard and just be ME. After that, it’s no holds barred. I’m all out there…LOL…and I think that’s why people like me ;-)

But, I say all that to get to a point. I love to communicate. I have come across some great people in my life and I’ve lost a lot of them-at no fault of my own. Yeah, I said it. If I’m wrong, I’ll say so. The thing is that my recipe for communication does not always work with everyone. I can be abrasive. I can be out spoken but I love that about me. I don’t sugar coat things. What’s the point? Lying to you to make you feel good? Nah, let’s just get it out there and work on it. Let’s do it together. So, in order to not lose anyone else in my life who I truly care about, I’ve decided to revamp my methods of communicating, taking others’ feelings into consideration, taking others’ methods of communicating into consideration, taking others’ past experiences into consideration, taking others’ fears into consideration. And, this is going to be tough for me because I feel that as adults, we should be able to speak to each other, let down our guard and express ourselves. We, as adults, should be able to say how we feel when we feel it to those we feel it for and not be afraid of what happens next.

So, let me take you on my journey to being an EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATOR

Communication takes in three processes: Basic communication theory, basic educational theory and practical application.

What is communication? It is the sharing of meaning by sharing and receiving symbolic cues-Grice & Skinner, 2004. Who speaks like this? I know I don’t, but, let’s break that down. Cues are value-laden, meaning, in order for a message to be received, the receiver has to see the message as being important, having value. Otherwise, you’re speaking to deaf ears. Ladies, you’ve experienced that. You’re talking to him and it’s like talking to a wall. He doesn’t see what you’re saying as having any value and treats it as such. You have to change the way you attempt to get him to listen.

Ladies, we have the ability to ‘manipulate’ others with the way we communicate. Please don’t get your panties in a bunch. Manipulation, though it has negative connotations, can be positive too. I can manipulate someone to do something that is good for them, something that will help them be better. Case in point, I see a few people running to the gym because I am. I know that’s what did it-no matter how you want to spin it. “I’m doing it for me.” “ I’m doing it because I need to.” Whatever! If I wasn’t putting it out there, you wouldn’t be trying as hard as you are now. So, yes, you’re welcome ;-) I manipulated you to get up off your ass and go to gym, something you’ve been trying to do for so long. So, the same way I was able to manipulate ‘them’ to go workout, I can manipulate him to be better, whether they accept it consciously or not. Ladies, you’ll find that it’s easier to manipulate a man to do something detrimental than something that will benefit you and him. Go figure! I think it has a lot to do with FEAR. They’re scared of positive prospects, in terms of love. That’s just how it is with men. That’s why they’re the ones who ask us to marry them. It has to be on their terms. That’s a whole other blog. Let’s focus.

Here’s ancient communication.

The problem with this is that communication is only in a one-way fashion. You’ve come across that, where you’re the only one who seems to give a damn. He just sits there, either pretending to listen or not but giving no feedback. With this type of communication, we assume 100% accuracy and we also assume that there are no interruptions in between. C’mon people, no one should communicate like this. And, unfortunately, that’s how we communicate today. Sometimes, ladies, we get selfish and cocky, thinking that as long as we tell him what we want, he should understand. It doesn’t work like that.

Here’s modern communication

Now, this is a little better, not great, but better. This is interpersonal communication. Two people communicating. We expect feedback. Feedback helps us to gauge how effective our message is. Without feedback, there is no communication. But, Kelz, I can’t make him talk to me. You’re right; you can’t. But, ladies, I’ll try to show you how to work around that. Stick with me.

With modern communication, we need to take one (1) thing into account and it’s a big thing too. NOISE!! No, not the music playing in the background or the football game that’s on TV. Okay, that too but I’m talking about NOISE, internal, external and environmental. When communicating with anyone, you have to give allowances for noise interruptions. Noise interruptions affect effective communication. What noise are you talking about woman? Well, I’m talking about him thinking about his ex. I’m talking about him worried about his job. I’m talking about him wondering what’s for dinner. I’m talking about him wondering if you’re cheating on him. I’m talking about him anticipating the football game. I’m talking about the temperature of the room. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. I’m talking about the damn alarm clock going off. I’m talking about the horn honking outside. I’m talking about his phone vibrating and you wondering who that could be. I’m talking about the perfume you smelled on his shirt last night but didn’t say anything. I’m talking about your ex who called you yesterday and you don’t know if you should tell him. I’m talking about the new pumps you have on that are killing your little toe. I’m talking about the ring he has in his pocket that he was going to propose to you with but you started acting crazy. I’m talking about regret, holding on to past rubbish, being afraid of new possibilities. I’m talking about anything that disturbs the message going from the sender to the receiver and feedback from the receiver to the sender. That’s NOISE! That’s what I’m talking about. And, ladies, we’re horrible at taking that NOISE into consideration. We feel that if he doesn’t say it, everything in his life is just fine. I mean, c’mon now. Who has that privilege? No one! So, though it takes a lot of effort on our part, ladies, we have to take his NOISE into consideration-even though some of that noise pisses us off-it’s his NOISE and it’s something that he’s going through and we have to take that into consideration. Yes, it’s hard. I know it is. I’m dealing with it right now myself.

We can’t stop the noise so let’s try to minimize the noise and maximize the message. Pray tell, how do you do that Kelly? Well, we have to learn cues. Remember me mentioning that earlier? We have to learn the three (3) types of cues: symbolic cues, non-verbal cues and universal symbols. Man, this feels like a college level class, doesn’t it? Yep. That’s how it is when you give a crap about someone and want to make it work.

Symbolic cues-those are the ones that you pick out from what he says. “You know what, when you’re not bitching, you’re pretty cool.” After you raise your eyebrows and make that face, you realize that he’s just paid you a compliment and what he really means to say is, “I wish you didn’t bitch as much BECAUSE when you don’t, you’re pretty cool.”
Non-verbal cues-He kisses you on the forehead instead of the lips. If you’ve seen ‘Best Man’, you know that’s the endearing kiss. Personally, I’d rather the kiss on the lips. But, for some, that cue says a lot. Another non-verbal cue. You’re together and you both go quiet. You catch him eyeing you but says nothing. He wants you to talk to him. Guys are weird, I know.

Universal cues-He grabs you and pins you against the wall. Well, need I say what he’s trying to say? I doubt it. Here’s another. He used to call and text all the time, everyday and now, you’re lucky if you get one per week. He’s moved on or is moving on and maybe you need to do the same.

Use the cues ladies. When the noise is too loud, use those cues to help you determine if your message is getting across.
Let’s understand the communication Theory (keep in mind that a theory is an educated guess backed by evidence, has been tested but leaves room for change). In communication, we have to understand our audience, understand the environment and understand the purpose. So, ladies, we must understand our men-understand where they are mentally and emotionally before we attempt to communicate. We have to understand where we are when we’re trying to communicate. Damn sure can’t do it at a football game or in the throws of passion. The purpose has to beneficial to both people, otherwise, you’re the only one who gives a rat’s ass. The purpose has to have positive gains for both people involved and he has to know the purpose.

Let’s talk about understanding our audience ladies and gentlemen, for that matter. We have to take demographics into consideration. We have to be careful not to stereotype. We can’t assume we know everything about him because he fit’s a certain demographic. He’s not your EX, though he may exhibit like tendencies. He’s not your dad, though he’s dependable. He’s not your friend, so don’t treat him as such, unless that’s what you want. He’s not a bum because he lost his job. He’s not an abuser because he raised his voice that one time. Again, I stress, he’s not your EX and we have a tendency to compare the new men in our lives with those we left behind. Vice versa, we expect him to not judge us based on his past experiences. He must know that you are an individual, not HER. You MAY NOT hurt him like she did, but he has to give you a chance to show him you won’t. Because she cheated, doesn’t mean you will. Because she stuck around and took his $hit, doesn’t mean you will. Here’s what I subscribe to: “I’m not just a woman, black, outspoken, independent, sexy, beautiful, creative, kind, honest, selfless, a great cook, funny as all get out, fun to be around, sweet, educated, ambitious, hard working, but if you put those all together, you’ll find one UNIQUE individual and I want you to treat me as such.”

Chicas, we must take note of the psychographics, both your values, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. Those are characteristics of our audience, the men we want in our lives.

You notice that these are cyclic, right? That means that they impact each other. You can have positive and negative psychographics. The majority will be negative, unfortunately but that’s because we’re afraid of change. We don’t always see why we may need to. What we need to do ladies and gentlemen, is address these psychographics before they become NOISE. Sit with your partner and talk…I mean talk. Get to know each other. Learn about each others’ values, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. That way, you can know what should work when communicating and what definitely won’t. And, it also allows for bonding. Ultimately, don’t we want to know our partners, inside and out?

So, we’re prepping for ‘the talk’ and we’re scared. We don’t know if he/she will be responsive. We don’t know if the outcome will be what we hope for. So, we tred lightly. Do not be remiss and forget your audience’s need. Think about what he/she needs before you push forward. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs tells us that we all have five (5) basic needs. Starting from the bottom, if we don’t meet the first, the one at the bottom, we won’t care about the others. So, if the person you’re attempting to communicate with does not have his/her basic need met, no matter how you try, there will be NOISE and your words will fall on deaf ears. Let’s break down these needs, shall we?

Physiological-our very basic needs. Food, for example. If that need is not met, forget about it. Now, it sounds crazy and funny even, but have you ever tried to talk to someone who’s hungry? Try it and tell me how it goes. That may be why they say, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” LOL.

Safety-In it’s basic form, this is speaking of shelter, having a roof over your head, but we can amp it up a bit. If the person you’re trying to communicate with doesn’t feel safe with you, there will be NOISE.
Social-Everyone wants to be a part of a group and if he/she doesn’t feel like they belong, there’s that NOISE.
Esteem- And, it doesn’t necessarily have to be acceptance from you. It could be from family, friends, coworkers…those people who, to them, are important. Some people struggle with self esteem issues and that NOISE lives with them everyday so as you’re trying to communicate, all they’re hearing is, “she’s/he’s going to leave me because I’m not good enough.”
Self Actualization-The question of, “have I fulfilled all I can be?’ We all struggle with that. What we need to understand is that we may never get to this tier on Maslow’s pyramid. What we can do though, is try. Furthermore, we need to accept that we may never get there. And, to top that off, not because you haven’t gotten there, doesn’t mean you have to push everyone away as you try. You can try with someone. I’ve met guys who were so hell bent on proving a point to themselves that they have pushed me away. They’ve thought that in order to get to where they needed to, they should have no distractions. Remember guys, it’s best to get to a goal with a good woman by your side. That way you know she’s genuine. When you get to the top, you know she did it with you, loved you when you had nothing and still stuck around because she saw potential in you. That’s a ride or die…not those chicks who jump on your band wagon when you have already gone through the struggle.

In Maslow’s pyramid, we tend to jump around based on where we are in our lives. If each is not addressed, they become noise and that noise breaks communication. So, ladies/gentlemen, refer to your pyramid and communicate what’s important and see if you can get there together.

So, as we progress through this college lesson (I know it’s long and kind ‘booky’ but stay with me), we take our audience’s disposition into consideration. Ever tried talking to someone who resents you? Not cute. We have to consider our listener’s feelings of like, neutrality, or dislike towards you, the topic of discussion or the situation. So, you’re trying to talk to him, to save your relationship, because you see it going to $hit and all he’s thinking is, “I’m mad at her” or “Didn’t we just talk about this last week?” or “no matter what she says, it won’t change my mind”. You tell me if that’s going to produce negative or positive feedback. Exactly. They’re either going to be willing, hostile or bored. And we all know what happens when we push a man into a corner. It can only produce a negative disposition. It takes a lot of work people, to effectively communicate. I bet you didn’t think it was that difficult, did you? Or, I bet you thought you were communicating effectively already. Nope! Keep reading.

With everything in life, if you’re like me, you set goals. In a relationship or when you want to communicate, you have to think about the audience’s goals too, not just yours. You know your goal. Your goal is to get your point across, maybe to end a relationship or to save one. He/she, while you’re talking, is trying to figure out YOUR goal. They’re asking themselves, “why is he/she trying to communicate with me? Is she/he being genuine? Is he/she breaking up with me?” So, before we attempt to communicate, make your goal clear. Tell him/her what you’re about to tell him/her. Give clear instructions-”I want you to listen before you say anything’ or ‘can you turn the TV off and listen to what I have to say’ or ‘are you willing to work on something with me?’ and wait for an answer. Once you give instructions, apply practical information and give realistic examples. Example: “I need to talk to you about how you made me feel when you hung up on me the other night.” is better than saying “I hate when you ignore me”. The latter tells the listener exactly what offended you, ‘the other night when he/she hung up on you’. Another thing, tell the listener what you minimum requirements are. No man wants to sit and listen to you go on and on about something not knowing how long it’s going to take or how much he has to contribute. So, tell him, “I want you to listen but I also want you to tell me how it makes you feel.” Or, hit him with, “I want you to listen and I need feedback. If you don’t give me feedback, we’ll have to revisit this topic again and I know you don’t want to.” Now, that may come off as a threat but you can end that statement with, “….and I really want to know what you’re thinking.” Now, doesn’t that sound better? There’s nothing I hate more than talking to a guy about something that means a lot to me and he has nothing to say. That does two things for me. It tells me he doesn’t care and it makes me shut down…completely.

Ladies, we have to learn how to adapt too. If the only way you can get him in the mood to talk is putting on that get up and those heels he likes, do it! Just don’t give up the good beforehand. That defeats that whole purpose. LOL. Don’t become complacent. So, you’ve done this in your other relationships and you think you know what works. Nope! He’s different and you should treat him as such-as an individual. Treat that relationship as if it were the only one you ever had. That shows that you actually give a crap. And, for God’s sake, know your limitations. You can’t get blood out of a stone, so if you know something has never worked, don’t even try it. It won’t work this time either.

You have to have a theoretical purpose and be ready to demonstrate if need be. You know how you sometimes have to tell him how to move, when to stop….when you’re driving people (dirty minds), but no, seriously, the same way you have to direct in those situations, you may have to demonstrate when you’re tying to communicate. It’s a matter of pedagogy vs. andragogy. Pedagogy (to lead the child) vs. Andragogy (to lead the man). Pedagogy takes on a lecture format (you’re just there talking at him) and andragogy takes on a practical approach (you show and they demonstrate understanding). So, you decide if you want to treat him like a child or man because the way you address him and communicate with him is what you’ll get back.

I’m sure you’re on the side of andragogy ;-) I hope so. With andragogy, adults need a few things. We need to learn the reason behind the conversation, so tell him. We need experience to include errors. As you communicate, leave some room for error. You both may slip up and say something the other person doesn’t like. That’s expected if you’re not used to communicating like this. Let him know it’s okay if this happens and let him know that it may happen with you too. Adults need to be responsible for their decisions and involvement in planning and evaluating, so let him know that this is not all about you, that his input is just as important. Here’s an important one. Adults are most interested in communication that have immediate relevance. So, don’t try talking to him/her about something that happened five months ago or will happen six months from now. Stick with the matter at hand-keep it current. And to round it off, keep in mind that adults respond better to internal motivators vs. external. So, even though you think he’d respond better to you if he thinks he’s getting some, trust me, that won’t do it. He has to want to communicate in order for you to get feedback.

And when you’ve determined that you want andragogy on your side, go for it and get ready for praxis (the intersection between theory and practice). Expect and push for practical application of that theory. Together, you two should work towards putting it into action. Praxis, by definition is ‘the active process of engaging, applying, exercising, realizing or practicing ideas’. Adults are self-directed. Allow him/her to discover things on his/her own, while you provide guidance and reassurance when mistakes are realized. Has this ever happened to you? You’re ‘arguing’ with him/her and as you’re both carrying on, he/she says something that proves your point? Self realization. Or, the reverse, you’re both ‘arguing’ and he/she finally says what’s really bothering them? You want that but you want it in a better format than arguing. You want to be communicating.

When we’re attempting to communicate with someone we care for, we often times, forget to encourage and give praise. Two different things. Praise is general, it places value on the quality of the feedback you’re getting, it emphasizes feelings of the person speaking, it only works when he/she believes you’re being genuine and it creates cognitive dissonance.
Encouragement is specific. It emphasizes and values effort. It emphasizes feeling of the person being spoken to, it lets him/her judge themselves and works with people who have low self esteem and it minimizes cognitive dissonance. So, try to praise and try to do little encouraging. Tell him/her how great they are at specific things. Don’t have it seem as if everything they do is horrible and if you’re offering encouragement, let them know you’ll be working on that issue WITH them.

You’re sitting at work, thinking about how you’re going to approach a certain subject with him/her, a subject that must be addressed and NOW. Remember that you need an effective introduction and conclusion. You must have basic organization, use effective language and your delivery technique must be on point. So, plan it out. Have an opener that will grab his/her interest. Organize your thoughts so you don’t sound like you’re rambling, speak clearly and don’t curse (he/she’ll get defensive) and be calm and upbeat as you speak. No one wants to talk to someone who’s already defeated. And let it be clear that you’re finished. Have a smooth conclusion that elicits feedback. You don’t want to leave with questions pending. Let them know what you want them to do with the information you just shared.

So, you’re done with your talk. Now what? Gauge your feedback and if it seems the message didn’t get across after all your hard work, get the hell out!!!! LMAO!