I'm going to be a Mummy!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: This is a long blog-just preparing you (as if they all aren't). But, give it a go. And, again, thank you for loving enough to support what I love. I truly appreciate you ♥

I THINK I WAS BLOCKING MY BLESSINGS!!!!

I went to church today. Man, I missed going; I‘ve been blaming work for my absence but the truth is, I haven‘t been making that much of an effort-all that changes now. The Greater Ebenezer Baptist Church. And, Keisha must have called my pastor and told him I was coming and he should speak directly to me. Why do I say that? Because, I felt that he was. Each week, he speaks to me but today was different. This was the first time in a long time that I went to church and I wasn’t mad, sad nor in between. I was at peace and oh so grateful, grateful for everything that God has given me. But, as of late, I’ve been struggling with something. I’ve been struggling with the clock that seems to be ticking out of control in my body, mind and soul. I think it has something to do with the season-this is when families get together and I’m yet to start mine.
I want a family. I crave the beginning of one actually. But, I can’t start a family on my own. I need a partner. There are options but I don’t want just any old guy to father my child. I want someone who will adore me and our kids, who will be there, who will fall in love with our family as I know I will. I want the one made just for me. I want my Boaz. Where’s my Boaz? Did he get caught up in Atlanta’s crazy traffic? We know how I285 and I20 are ;-) Was his flight delayed? Is he working the night shift and sleeping all day? Nope, none of the above. He’s right there, preparing for his Ruth-ME.

The name Boaz literally means By Strength, and it seems to celebrate man's personal vigor. A strength that surpasses all aspects of life and love. Boaz is strong; strong and confident enough to love freely, strong and confident enough to exhibit emotions openly, strong and confident enough to show weakness, to ask for help from his Ruth, strong and confident enough to protect his Ruth and let his Ruth know he needs her. That’s my Boaz and if that’s what comes with him, I’ll wait. I’ll wait on my Boaz.

Kel, you’ve been talking about this ‘Boaz’ for a while now. Who in the world is Boaz and what’s the big deal about him? Well, you know I like clarity-you know I leave nothing to misinterpretation and as such, I‘ll clear it up for you, but you have a do a little reading. Click on the link below (bottom of this page#1), read and you’ll understand that every woman has a Boaz and should settle for nothing less. And men, really read this and see how you can prepare to be a Boaz for your Ruth, if you already haven’t done so.

Okay, so now that we all know the story of Ruth and her Boaz, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of this blog. I’m 30 something; I’m single, and I’m sensational, most of the time. I don’t want it to be most of the time. I need it to be all the time and that’s why I’ve decided to stop blocking my blessings.

I want a baby. I’d love to have one next year or be on that path. I’m getting up there and I must admit, it’s scaring me that if I wait too much longer, I won’t be able to have one at all or I’ll have a difficult and dangerous pregnancy. I want neither. What would be great with this baby is a mate to be there for me and our precious bundle of joy. I’m ready. I’m ready for the family. I’m ready. I’ve got all this love to give and I keep wasting it on the not-so-deserving. I want to matter to someone. I want to make a difference in someone’s life and I want that to be my child and my husband. I want to build something with someone, something substantial, meaningful. I want to give love and have it reciprocated. I want to take care of someone and have someone take care of me. So, in order to get to that goal, I must take the necessary steps. I must prepare myself so that I can be THE best mom and wife.

As I do with all other aspects in my life, I have to set a goal and plan. I have to stick to that plan and not allow anything to derail me. I’m notorious for allowing my emotions to take over my life. I love hard. I mean, really hard and when I’m in a relationship, it’s all about me and that person-it’s all about doing whatever it takes to make that person happy and keeping our relationship seamlessly fun. And, as such, I’ve sacrificed a lot, sometimes, my happiness, my chance at a secure future, my well being and sometimes, my better judgment, all in the name of love. I am the ultimate romantic, hoping for the fairytale ending.

I went through a very, very, very rough patch in my life where it seemed nothing was going right-where all I knew was pain, hurt, unsurity, fear, lies, tears-where it seemed as if God had deserted me. He hadn’t. I’d just been blocking my blessings, keeping people in my life who stole my joy and made me spiritually constipated. Along with all this negativity, I was starving myself of things that would make me better able to take care of me. I got my citizenship, finally, after many years of putting it off. I was so focused on my ex and had tunnel vision. I waited for years before I got my Master’s when I could have done it many years earlier. I held out on starting my PhD. I was focused on love and had blinders on. I didn’t take a chance at owning my own home because I was waiting to do it with someone. I was focused on the fairytale and was living in a nightmare. I didn’t have a child because….well, that’s a longer story. You’ll have to read my first book for that one ;-)

But, as I did with these aspects in my life, the citizenship, my Master’s, my home, I had to purge myself of the person in my life who was blocking my blessings-who, at that time had no long term potential and who seemed to be dragging me down. I don’t believe in wasting time. While I was wasting time with the inconsequential, happiness was possibly passing me by. You remember my last blog-and if you don’t, try #2 below.

I hate that people take advantage of the time they have with the ones they claim to care about-they think they will always be around and they don’t have to rush in spending time with them. Why must we always wait until it’s too late? Until that person is gone and we kick ourselves, wishing we’d said those words or made them a priority, instead of an option?

It’s been a long time coming. I’ve had what I thought were relationships but they weren’t relationships at all; they weren’t unions or partnerships. They were just instances where two people spent time together for a lack of anything better to do, thinking it was a relationship. I’ve been blessed. God’s given me qualities that people seem to like being around. Trouble is that HE’s also made me quite UNIQUE; I’m set in my ways-I’m not hard to deal with per se; I’m just not a pushover. I’m someone who doesn’t stand for anyone who will not make me happy, who will disrespect me-and the minute it seems that my happiness is threatened or that my emotions could be in jeopardy because I‘m the only one thinking long term, I’m outtie baby. I run! And yes, my methods are unconventional, maybe a bit wacky, but that’s how my defense mechanism works. It’s that fight or flight mechanism-and if you don’t think I’m worth the fight, then I’m taking flight and I’m not coming back. I don’t look back-I never go back to a relationship that didn’t work. #3
I will give 110% until I can give no more and then I call it quits. I never just leave either; I give the old warnings. I tell you I’m not happy. I tell you that things need to change. I ask you to help us; and, if you don’t take me seriously or make any attempt at helping me get us back to where we were when we were happy, I have no choice but to find my happiness without you. Because, I can be unhappy all by myself; in fact, I won’t be unhappy alone. I don’t allow myself to get to that point alone. #4Kelly, you’re educated, funny, beautiful. Why are you single? Well, I think it’s because my guy hasn’t come yet and I‘m impatiently choosing what‘s available. I’m blocking my blessings. I’ve met many people who’ve wanted to be with me and few people I’ve wanted to be with but either way, God made sure we didn’t leave any ties (no kids, no properties together, no diseases) and for that, I’m so thankful. Because we had no ties, I could walk away, either breaking a heart or having mine broken-nothing I couldn‘t get over with time. I think any man would be lucky to have me in his corner and he would be a fool to think otherwise. What I’ve found is that I’m meeting men who seem to be intimidated by or resentful of me. They aren’t where they want to be and think that I am. And as such, they feel they won’t be able to meet my expectations (the ones they made up in their heads) because one day, I’ll realize I don’t need them and I’ll leave. Dumbasses! These fools haven’t figured it out yet-that I want a partnership. I want to be there for them when they can’t stand alone. I want them to be there for me in my moments of weakness. I don’t care what he has as long as he’s willing to build together, be strong together, grow together. That’s how you create memories stupid. You create them together, out of little or nothing. They don’t know what struggles I’ve had to go through, how many tears and pain I’ve had to overcome, how close I’ve come to dying-yep, dying-they don’t know that I had to and still have to fight to keep this smile on my face-the same smile that I’m told I hardly ever wear. These men think because I don’t complain and I ‘get ‘er done’ that it’s all easy for me. I just make it look that way. But, the ultimate conclusion is, as I’ve been told, I attract those types of people because they are the type of people I want.

Okay, at first, I didn’t agree with that and it would actually infuriate me to hear people say it. Why would I want to have a guy who’s insecure? Well, maybe I was insecure. Maybe I needed to be needed. And I attracted men who seemed to need me initially and the moment they didn’t, I had to leave. There’s some truth to that. But, the part that I don’t agree with is the ‘me leaving if they don’t need me’. I try to make each relationship work- I truly do, but because these are people I normally would not give the time of day, it’s almost like self sabotage. I know they won’t work so I enter into them just anticipating the end. It’s almost like space fillers-but with emotions attached. There go the blocking of blessings again. I don’t want to do that anymore. Each person I meet, takes a piece of me and in turn, alters the person I am and that subsequently leaves me with more to work on before Boaz arrives. I have had to kiss a few frogs but I know that in time, I’ll find my prince. #5
I get my fair share of attention. I have met some wonderful men-men who’ve made me happy to some extent, for some period of time but for some reason or another, we just didn’t work out. When my Boaz comes along, I’ll know exactly why none of my other relationships worked. I’m very greedy-I mean, very greedy. I require attention. Not just from anybody-from the person I’m with. I want it all and that’s because I give it all too. Yep, it has to be all about me and not in the crazy, needy, stalker way either. Let me explain. As I do, I want to be considered when making crucial decisions. I want to be a thought when it’s time for QT. I want him to think of things for us to do that will bring us closer together. Like any partnership, it takes constant strengthening. As I would, he should consider ways of making our bond stronger, memorable and unique-special-one of a kind. Things we do, he should not do with anyone else. They should be unique to just us. That’s just me though. Whatever we did in the beginning to get each other should continue throughout and in fact, be enhanced. If I have specific interests (writing, family, exercise), he should take a genuine interest, because it’s a part of me and I would do the same for him.

I’ve found that I’m meeting guys who pretend to be interested in my interests in the beginning (reading my blogs, my books, hanging with my friends, going places I like, exercising with me) but that fades as time goes on and he feels he’s ‘got me’. And when I stay with someone like that, I’m blocking my blessings. That’s just an indication of what to expect in the long run, if we go that far. I can expect monotony and a lack of effort in enhancing our bond.

Ladies, you meet a guy and he never invites you over. You stick with him because you don’t mind him coming over to your place. You’re blocking your blessings. New guy used to call and text twenty times a day to say he’s thinking of you or send you cute emails just because. Now, you’re lucky if you get one phone call and one text. You stick with it. You’re blocking your blessings. New guy is fun but not someone you’d normally be attracted to, but because you don’t want to be alone, you stay with him. You’re blocking your blessings. You travel for work and only have limited time at home. He doesn’t seem to make it a point to make plans with you nor does he seem to realize how important your time with him is. You keep waiting for him to get it together but he’d rather go hang with his boys and stop by to see you after midnight. You allow this to go on. You’re blocking your blessing. He’s not working. Just lost his job and you’re footing the bills. He doesn’t seem to be pushing to find a job. You stick around because at least you have a warm body beside you. You’re blocking your blessings. You’ve never met his family or friends but who cares? He’s spending all this time with you. You’re blocking your blessings. You see where I’m going with this, so I don’t need to continue on.

So, when I realized it was almost Thanksgiving again and I had not gotten THAT invite for dinner, I had to reevaluate everything. Christmas is right around the corner and thought I usually don’t make a big deal about it, this year, I want to but I can’t because this Christmas, I’m not in a relationship, per se. I haven’t heard differently. As far as I’m concerned, I have no ties to anyone and no one to me, so that cruise I want to take with my girl, I guess it’s on. I have to seriously think about why this has to be the last year that I spend the holidays alone. I have to stop blocking my blessings with people who pale in comparison to my Boaz. I will learn to be patient. I will learn how to say no when they come out of the woodworks and tell me they’ve been watching me from afar (go right back there and watch). I will learn to love me more than any man would-love me enough to know that I deserve the best-that man who sees me with fresh eyes every time he sees me, who will cherish time with me before anyone else, who will realize that every moment with me could be the last and treat it as such, who will kiss me as if it were the first time, every time, who will take a genuine interest in my interests, who will not hide me and will be proud to tell his family, friends and the world, actually, how great I am, who will not see me as his fantasy but will see me as his reality. I’ll wait for him because I know he won’t hesitate to say ’I miss you’, ’I love you’. I’ll stop blocking my blessings and I’ll simply wait on my Boaz.

Like pastor said, waiting on God may be painful but it’s necessary. God may not be on my time but his effect affects me everyday. All things in God’s time. We don’t like to wait because we hate that silence. Silence forces us to come face to face with ourselves. If I’m never in the reflective place of waiting, I’ll never realize the baggage I’m carrying that I should not be carrying any further. When I get into that place of silent waiting, I go past the surface; I can go deep into what I’ve been blocking. Silence is necessary; it’s a prelude to prayer and so I will pray. I will pray and wait. Psalm 130. I will stop asking and forcing God to give me what I think I want. He won’t give me anything outside of his will and I must accept that. I must wait on God with the expectation of change and that change will come. Psalm 91: We think God has deserted us when all we see is darkness around us. God says, ’I’m there. That darkness is my shadow. The adversary sees me hovering over you and that’s why you are not harmed.’ Wait on revelation. And, so, I will do just that.
I will stop watching that clock that seems to be ticking out of control inside my mind and body and I will wait. I will wait for the happiness I deserve-the happiness that comes without confusion. The happiness that comes without lies. I’ll wait on that happiness that comes when someone craves me as much as I crave them, someone who will profess his feelings for me as I will. Someone who can come to me in tears knowing I will hold him and make everything okay. I will wait on my Boaz-and in time, all the rest will fall into place….just like it is for other aspects in my life.

I see very few blogs following this one. I‘m getting ready to make them into a book-because while I’m still going to be 30 plus, I’m going to focus more on loving me than on being single. I’m going to close this chapter of my book, in preparation for the next. I’m going to receive my blessings and in turn, take my focus from what I don’t have to what I will have. I WILL WILL it into existence. If you made it all the way to the end of this long blog, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. This is my passion and just knowing that there are people, who appreciate my thoughts, is so heart warming. Thank you so much! Love you guys-seriously. Wish me luck on my new journey ♥

　
BLOG REFERENCES

#1.  http://bible.org/seriespage/two-get-ready%E2%80%94i-story-boaz-and-ruthi

#2.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/11/if-you-died-today.html
　

#4.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/so-thats-why-im-single-that-makes-sense.html

#5.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/ive-heard-you-have-to-kiss-few-frogs.html

#3. http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/some-say-ex-makes-sex-spec-ta-cu-lari.html

If you died today.....

If you knew exactly how much time you had left to live, how would your life change? Would your life change?

On Friday, someone was killed yards away from where I lay my head. I said killed, not that they died. I can’t lie, it put the fear of God in me and at that moment, I knew that I had to get off my ass and stop procrastinating-stop waiting around for what I think to be ‘the perfect TIME. There’s no such thing as ‘the perfect TIME. On Friday, I curled up into my little ball, cried a little (because I was hysterical-that could have been me) and I wished I had someone to call to come over and hold me and make me feel safe. When I realized that I didn’t, I had to do a self check. I had to get it together and stop wasting TIME hoping for something that wasn’t there-at least at that TIME. So, I took the step to protecting myself and my little Dexie and I took it alone and it felt good….oh, so good. Update you later.
                                                                 
Heavy D died today, at 44, and now everybody is playing his songs, showing his videos. Is that how this works? Same thing when MJ died. We’d shut him down for ten years and now, his music is all over the radio waves. We have to die before people realize our worth? Before we realize how precious each and every moment is? Well, I think that’s bullshit! I hate that not everyone gives that effort everyday-that we allow those we care about to leave our lives-that we allow those who care about us to walk away! I get it-life happens and we lose track, we become complacent and ‘forget’ to say we love each other or we are too proud to say we give a shit. So, instead, we weep over a casket and then, we express our most heartfelt emotions-to someone who can no longer hear us-who can no longer tell you how much it means to hear you say those words. Nope, not me! I’m telling you I care; I’m telling you I love you; I’m telling you I miss you and I’m damn sure telling you when you’re messing up so that you can fix it and get us back to where your well being in important to me and mine is to you.

I remember when my brother died-remember it like is was just yesterday, probably because in my mind, it was. When someone you love passes away, it remains fresh in the mind-and I think that’s because the wonderful memories you share with them remains fresh too. The last time I saw Damain, I was getting dropped off at the train station to go back to college. He was the mushy one out of the four of us and had no problem expressing his love and affection. He’d just graduated college a few weeks prior but didn’t seem too excited about his future. Now I know why. At the train station, he asked me, “when are you coming back?” I answered, “August 16^th.” He said, “I’ll try to be around.” Can I explain to you how painful that is to even type right now. The tears are beginning to fall down my cheek. He gets me like that-even now-eleven years later. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t spend the TIME to ask him what he meant or to try to figure it out myself. He hugged me then and told me he loved me and I just said, ‘yeah, whatever, get outta here’ like I always did when he told me so. I’d give ANYTHING to go back to that day-to tell him I loved him too and hold him a little bit longer. Had I known that would be the last time I’d see my brother, I would not have left him. I would have stayed and helped him add years to his life-but I left. I took for granted that he’d always be there.

When I got that call telling me that Damain was in the hospital, my world fell apart. That call was different. He was always in the hospital-having sickle cell anemia does that to you. But, this time was different and I knew it. It was all I could do to get home but no matter what I did, I could not get out of Pittsburgh. My flight was cancelled, the buses were late and I just sat on the floor at Concourse A in Pittsburgh, after getting off the phone and I cried. I cried so hard because I was just told that he had passed away. Passed away! How horrible does that sound. It’s almost as if he’d expired-like he had a set date that his life would end. And, you know what? I guess he did and I guess we all do. The thing though is that unlike the milk carton where it says, ‘good before ____’ or ‘expires on ___’, we don’t get that notification. Everyday could be that day. Everyday could be that last hoorah!! And, I wasn’t there to share in his.

I got home the next day. If not for Stacy, I would not have and for that I will love her until the day I die. That’s a whole other blog but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention her here ;-)
　
Can I tell you what makes me sick to my stomach right now, at this moment and every single time I think about it? I didn’t go to his graduation. I could have but I didn’t. I convinced myself he didn’t need me there and that was it. I didn’t go. I stayed home and I slept and when he got back, he didn’t mention it. He didn’t even try to make me feel bad and I wish he did-just so I could let go of some of this guilt that I still feel eleven years later. Another thing that I’m ashamed to admit, but you know me, I will. I don’t have ANY pictures with me and Damain. Nope, not one. I never spent the TIME to have any taken. Here come the tears again. Instead, I have his graduation pic where, where, when I look at it now, I can see where his brain was swelling up, one pic from back in Jamaica and his funeral picture. I don’t have a lot of regrets. I try not to-they weigh me down but I regret, with all my heart, not putting forth that effort to share with my brother, something so simple as being at his graduation or hugging him or saying ‘I love you’. So, now, I go crazy with the camera (yes, you all know that). I snap everything and everyone. I try to hold hostage those memories that mean the world to me-that have made me laugh, cry and smile. I store it all on some type of medium and I revisit them ever so often and I relive those times-those times that warmed my heart. I will never again regret losing someone I love. NEVER!!! I’ll do all I can to make them know-even to the point of making them uncomfortable. So, when you guys see me going crazy on FB with my crazy posts, gimme some leeway here. I’m just trying to share my love for you, with you ;-)

I did see Damain again. Yep! In his white casket. I’d just picked out his clothes and brought it to the funeral home. The guy asked me if I wanted to see him and the look on my face told him that I didn’t want to. I NEEDED to. I looked at my brother laying there, swollen and dark. He didn’t look like my Damain. He was too dark-but then I realized that’s what happens when you have a brain aneurism. But, I knew it was my little brother because when I held his little hands, I could feel his love. When I kissed his frozen face, I still felt his kindness. When I put my head on his chest and told him I loved him, I could feel that he heard me. And, I didn’t cry-not one tear-not that day, at least. I just stayed there with him and I told him everything I wish I had when he was alive.

You reading this! Yeah, you. If tomorrow you realized that there would be no more blogs from me or no more craziness on FB or you’d never hear my voice again-because I died, would it affect your life? How about this one? If you got up tomorrow and the person who seems to have taken up permanent residence in my mind had passed away, would your life be affected then? Would you shed those tears of regret and wish you had just a moment to tell them how much they meant to you? Would you regret that last fight or not giving them that last kiss or telling them how much you missed them? I know I would. And because of this, I try to show my affection for those I care about-not sometimes, but everyday! That’s what you do when you care for someone; you let them know and you let them know often.

I went to see ‘In TIME’ today-at the behest of Simi (you seem to be showing up a lot in my blogs Missy). And, I must say, she was on point. I didn’t know she was psychic though. How did she know I needed to watch that-TODAY!? I sat in that 2hr movie, mesmerized, and I took notes. Yup! I couldn’t help but take notes. That movie was so powerful. It hit on nails I didn’t even know I was hammering. And then, I spent some TIME discussing it with my brother Junior, who, strangely enough is kinda deep. Love you bro ♥

I used to spend my TIME worrying about finding someone with whom to share my happiness, my successes, my sorrows, my woes, my days, my heart and as such, I found everything that was wrong for me. I hated to think of them as TIME wasted but in essence they were-because while I was investing my TIME and heart into them, making them a priority, to them, I was only an option-and to me, that’s TIME wasted and we all know the cliché, TIME wasted cannot be regained.

In the movie, everyone is given a 26 year credit on life. On their 25^th birthday, a clock goes off and at that point, they no longer age, physically that is. On that day, they then begin to use their last year and that last year, ironically is on a clock, embedded in their wrist-like you’d wear a watch. At the end of that year, they just keel over and die-yep, right there where they stand, and no one thinks anything of it. What’s interesting though, is that in that year, they can work and gain extra TIME. They can kill and steal other people’s TIME. They can share TIME with each other. It’s such a realization of human nature and how we view what’s important. I’m going to see it again this weekend because I want to analyze it a bit more.

In that world, everything is paid for in TIME. Food? TIME. Travel? TIME. Rent? TIME. And, it’s so simply written but so deep. I don’t want to give the entire movie away because I’d like you all to go see it and come back and blog with me, but I must say that the writing was so phenomenal that Justin Timberlake’s mediocre acting was overshadowed by the movie's brilliance. I could have acted in it and it still be a great movie.

Andrew Niccol put his foot in this one and Justin Timberlake really did give it a good try. Let me lay something on you, a few of the clichés in the movie (without giving it away, of course). In the movie, people were seen holding each other by the wrists, an action that if seen today, in real life, could be interpreted as being quite intimate/personal. Well, as I think about it, in the movie, they do that to share TIME with each other, or to take TIME from each other. And how intimate is that? How often do we take each other’s TIME for granted? Where we just assume they’ll always be there and their time will never run out and neither will yours. The movie lacks a certain finesse and also a sense of humor but trust me when I tell you that’s not what you’ll be focusing on. You’ll find yourself reminiscing. You’ll find yourself analyzing situations you’re in right now. You’ll find yourself thinking of changes you can make in yourself for those people you care about, right now, right here! It’s deep baby! I wouldn’t lie to you.

On more than one occasion, you’ll here Will (J.Timberlake) make reference to gambling and saying that he doesn’t have TIME to gamble with or that he only gambles with TIME he knows he can win and it made me think of how often I gamble with time, in a new relationship, for example-where I invest my time, hoping to gain in the end and not lose TIME. “How do you win at gambling TIME?” he was asked. He said, “I let them think they have the upper hand. I allow my TIME to dwindle and as it comes down to the last seconds, they start to watch my clock, instead of theirs and that’s when I take it. I take their TIME.” Man, listen, you just have to see the damn movie. How true is that mess? We sit here, watching other people, worrying about what they’re doing. Hating on them for what we think they have. Waiting for them to make a move and then, next thing you know, you’ve lost your TIME.

Will was from the ghetto, where the people there live on a day. That’s all the time they usually have and as such, they have to work everyday to get more time. But, because they know they only have a day, they use it wisely, they enjoy it, they cherish it. A stranger comes into town and is wearing his ‘watch’ out in public, showing that he has 105 plus years to spend. He proceeds to buy everyone drinks and brings attention to himself. Will tries to help him, saying that he could get killed for showing all that TIME but after a little drama scene, Will learns that this guy has been alive for 100 plus years and is mentally drained. The guys asks him ‘if you had all the time I had, what would you do with it?’ He responded, “I wouldn’t watch it and I wouldn’t waste it.” And then, the movie gets juicy. Then Andrew Niccol puts his writer/director hat on.

There was a funny scene (to me, at least), where a hooker was trying to get her earning on. She goes, “I’ll give you ten minutes for an hour.” I damn near died. It’s funny what’s important when your TIME is precious. It’s funny how we watch our clocks/watches when we’re on a deadline. It’s funny how we don’t when we have nothing dire going on. We abuse TIME. We abuse each other’s TIME. We selfishly hold on to people who we know we don’t want a future with just so they can’t have one with anyone else. We rob people of their TIME when we realize they care and use it to boost our egos. We waste TIME holding on to the past when the future isn’t even promised. You go the movie man-go see what happens when someone dies with TIME left on their hand. You’ll love it and it’ll make you rethink the way you do things-and if it doesn’t, I’ll give you all $1.

You know how we have those people in our lives who we only hear from every now and then, who we only text or call twice a year? We have to do a little better than that, huh? Heard in the movie, “Hey, can you spare five minutes?” The response, “Nah, I don’t have time to waste.” Too cool. Five minutes, in the movie could be the difference in your living and dying and as such, you protect it, you cherish it. However, that same five minutes, spent with someone you love or care for, could mean the world. Will asked his squeeze (who was so far out of his league-or so he thought), “What do you want?” She said, “happiness.” He goes, “So, what are you waiting for?” And she was dumbfounded. Makes sense to me. Here he was from the ghetto, living on a day at a TIME and her watch was ticking with over a century. He thought he couldn’t live up to her standards, that she was better than he was, that she couldn’t love him and in turn, he couldn’t give her what she was used to. What he didn’t realize was that it didn’t matter how much TIME she had, what mattered was that she wanted to share it with him. It’s not about what you have, it’s about the quality TIME you spend with the ones you love. It’s about building a future with what you have and using your TIME wisely, not allowing it to run out without getting that happiness.

As I’m writing this (right now), I get a text from a dear friend of mine in New York. ‘I just wanted to say hi and that I miss you’. I haven’t heard from him in months. We used to teach together and he calls me his little sister. We have that kind of bond where if we don’t talk for years, once we do, it’s as if we never did. I ask him what’s up and he tells me he has to go on permanent disability. I ask why and here’s his response, “Kelly, I’m dying, lmao”. He had cancer back in 2003 and beat it, or so he thought. It came back two years ago and he beat it again. But now, as we text back and forth, he’s telling me that because of the meds, he has to go on permanent disability because the meds have eaten away at his bones and it’s hard for him to move around. He’s eight years older than me. Too short! I’m telling you, life is way too short. Too short to be holding out for what you think is better than what you have. So, I tell Michael that I love him and that I hope to see him soon. And I’m not just saying that. I’m going to take a trip to NY and see him and my other friends who have continued to love me even though I don’t return phone calls or answer when they make that attempt.

In the movie, Will shares his winnings with his best friend and like we all do when we get something extra, we……I can’t tell you, you have to go see the movie. You’ll hear a few times throughout the movie, ‘where did my time go?’ and it’ll ring through with such intensity how valuable your time is and the time of others.
I’ve been blessed and yes, it took hard work but this past year and a half, my life has changed. I’ve been able to do for myself what I couldn’t before and I appreciate it every single day and I give thanks to GOD every single day. The way my life is, it seems as if I’m being robbed of my time. I work away from home and only get two days a week to have a semblance of a life. I go home and I want to do it all. I want that two days to represent the entire week and as such, I try to spend it with those who make me happy. I try to do things that will leave a lasting memory on my heart. The problem is that I’m wasting the other five days, worrying about the two that I can’t wait to get home to. You see, I want to be happy and more times than not, I ‘think’ I am. And, that may be because I don’t have much to compare it to. I used to think that I needed someone to be happy. I don’t but it would enhance it. So, when I’m out on the road, I close that door for possibilities, thinking that the person for me in only in Atlanta. How foolish! Little do I know that my Boaz could be right here in Indiana or Chicago or the airport in between and instead of wasting my TIME focusing on what isn’t focused on me, I need to enjoy my ME TIME and be open to the possibilities. But, Kelly, I thought you said you can’t waste TIME waiting around? I did say that and I stand firm to that. I’m saying that right now, you may not have the one you want or you may not be happy where you are (work, money, love, family) but you have today. You have today to make a difference in your life and possibly in the life of someone else. Use that TIME to not dwell on things you can’t change nor should you use that TIME to plan too far ahead for a future that’s not guaranteed. Use this TIME right now to live and to love.

I’ve got a few things planned and if my clock permits, I hope to carry them out, with someone or by myself. Either way, it’s going down. I’m going to travel like I always wanted to, hitting every spot on my Bucket List. Oh yeah, speaking of bucket lists-I need to update mine because it seems I’ve done quite a few and need to remove some things that, not only doesn’t it look like they’re going to happen, but I’ve accepted that if I don’t get to do those, it’s okay ;-) I got to skydive. If my clock ticks to next May, I’m going to Paris. Monday brings something new for me and in a month, another change (fingers crossed). It’s all about patience, sacrifice and longevity and I’ve got those-all I need is the TIME. Can you spare some?

Yep, I know this was a long blog-that’s Kelly for you-long winded. I have a lot to say and you know I have to get it out-I have to share. And, the fact that you read this far means a lot to me. I love you for loving me enough to share in what makes me smile. But, seriously though, go see ‘IN TIME’-go see it tonight-don’t waste any TIME in doing so. LOL! You’ll be glad you did and after you see it, you better come on back here and drop me a comment or two.


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