No, I'm not a Lesbian. I just love my women!!!!

Ain't Nothing Like Girl Power! Nothing!!!

As a woman, it’s hard having female friends. I know you’ll say, ‘I have tons of female friends’. I’m not talking about the girls you went to college with, or the ladies at the beauty salon or even those you see when they come into town for Homecoming. I’m not talking about the girls at your job or the ones who call you up to go clubbing. I’m talking about the women in your life who you can open up to, who you can truly be yourself with, who you can trust to be themselves with you. I was told a long time ago that you only truly need one real girlfriend but if you’re blessed enough to have more, you’re so much richer for it. I was! ;-)

I’ve been lucky to have had some special women in my life. What’s been so wonderful is that they all came at different stages in my life. These women grew up with me, not all at the same time however. God sent them to me at pinnacle points of my growth process and I’m happy to say I hold a special bond in my heart for each and every one of them.

I’ve had my BFFs. I know you’re saying, ‘Kelly, how do you have BFFs’? Well, like I said, they came at different stages in my life and what’s funny is that I lost all but one of them for many years but God has seen it fit to bring us back together. Funny stories-all of them J Oh ladies!!!!

I have two wonderfully close friends who I went to college with, who understand my qualms and offer up good memories every time we talk, which is not very often.
And, I have a few girlfriends who encourage me from afar. These women have come back into my life via FB and we’ve just connected splendidly across the waves.
What’s crazy about this whole thing is that I don’t get to see my ladies. We all live in different places, save for one (who will be moving out of the country soon too) but that string of camaraderie, laughter and love keep us together.

To all my beautiful sisters, this is a shout out to you!!!!! Can you figure out which one you are?

I met Ms. Sweet as Pie when I was, uhm, a long time ago. I was back in Jamaica and attending Mo-Bay High. We lived about three minutes from each other and I wish someone would have tried to separate us. Oh, we weren’t having it. And not only were we besties but we took it to a whole new level. We asked a friend of ours to cut us and yep, we did the ‘blood sister’ thing. I guess ignorance is bliss because we didn’t consider any evils. We didn’t think anything of it. It seemed natural and to this day, we still talk about it. We lost touch for twenty years….yep, twenty years and FB brought us back together….and it’s like no time has passed. We just clicked like we clicked when we’d chase boys together. Funny thing is that we’re both still ‘chasing’ boys, without the chase, that is. Both single and refusing to settle. Hilarious. I hope to see her soon so I can get one of those big ole hugs she’s good for. She lives in Florida but that’s just a plane ride away.

--What’s great about her? Everything. She’s beautiful, sweet and honest to a fault.

Ms. Longevity and I met in Bronx Community College. We're talking seventeen years. I had my screw face on and we were in music class. This chick right here-I love her to death. She IS the bomb diggidy! We lived about three minutes away and nary was a day we didn’t see each other. What’s funny is that we’d always not be talking to each other-to this day, we don’t know why. But, even though we would never be talking to each other, we’d go to school together, eat together and I wish someone would mess with the other one. This broad, makes me laugh soooo hard and there’s never a time I think about her that a smile or a chuckle doesn’t cross my lips. No one but us would ever understand what we're talking about. We've got our own code that not even teh CIA can crack-and they've tried ;-) Yeah, we’ve been through some stuff and she’s preparing me for motherhood. I haven’t seen her in about ten years and I can’t wait to see her soon. I just don’t want to go to Buffalo during a snow storm.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially that she has no qualms about telling me she loves me and she makes me feel so good about telling her too. She’s so loving and openly demonstrates that and she’s the one person who I would feel comfortable opening up to emotionally-endless hugs and ‘I love you’s’ for no reason. We don’t need one. Love you girl!

My Sista-Soldier and I met in college. We hated each other. Not sure why. Had no reason to. Didn’t even know each other. What brought us together? The same thing that has now torn us apart. Mr. Wrong. But, you know what, the fifteen years I’ve known her have been quite a trip. We’ve had so many ups and very few downs. The problem is that our downs are brutal. They cut deep and that’s because what we’ve shared goes very deep….to the core and she’s the only person who knows me well enough to dig that deep and I’m the only person who knows her well enough to cause an effect. She’s great. She’s always been there for me and I’ve tried my best to be there for her. But, this last time, things became irreparable-for now, at least. She’s been through a lot but you know what’s good? She is strong and without me, she’ll get stronger. I hope so. I hope that our separation is worth it. Afterall, I didn't get this damn tattoo for nothing! Forever, we said, right!? So take this time and we'll meet up when fate deems us ready-AGAIN! I guess she didn’t need me to go to Pittsburgh this time. Sista soldier, I love you, always will and I guess this is our season of separation.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially her giving nature. That giving nature is also her only weakness.

Ms. Sardonic was THE best roommate one could ask for. Now, this roommate has become a very good friend. Sardonic has that dry humor and sarcasm that just makes me smile. I love it. Don’t you ever change girl. I love you just the way you are. This tough army chick is really very sensitive-to me at least. Shhh, I won’t tell anyone you’re really a softie. That will be our little secret. This chica here taught me about chiggers and I’ll be the first to say I’m in no rush to go to Texas so she’ll just have to meet me in Paris or Italy. We don’t get to talk to each other much but our communication is remarkable-and it’s only getting better. It’s been 10 years since I saw this chick and dammit woman, let’s fix that!!!!

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially how great she has the tendency to make me feel. She always knows just when I need that boost. Sardonic, you’re my girl, girl!

Ms. Philosophical lives in Chester. Where the hell is that? Pennsylvania and it’s been ten years since I saw her. She’s going to be a tough one to see but I’ll do my best to make it happen. I miss our hang out times. We met in college and didn’t really bond until after. We hardly talk now. Months may go by without any communication but man, when we catch each other, we’re talking hours of crazy talk and catching up. And I love her. She’s such a sweetheart and you want advice? She’s got you on that too-always. One of the best people I know-a heart of gold-and a mind like a steel trap.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially how she never judges. She is always ready to offer her advice and even ram it down your throat but what’s crazy is that she’s always right, even is she’s usually too late.

It was back in high school, Westwood High to be exact, that I met Ms. Positive and she hasn’t changed one bit. She’s still that wonderful, genuine, positive person I met back then. Not to mention she’s downright gorgeous-just as gorgeous as she was in high school. I haven’t seen her since, uhn, yeah, that long, maybe twenty two years and just like that FB brought us back together. Gotta plan a Jamaica trip to see you or one when you come here-or dammit, anywhere for that matter. Let me tell you about her. A more positive person you’ll never meet. She is so encouraging and never has there been a day that she didn’t have something good to say, post or respond to. So, I travel for work and I had a knack of writing funny post about my travels. Ms. Positive took that and offered up some advice. Why don’t you start a blog and see if it can grow into something monetary. And I’m doing just that and you best believe that if it ever takes off, she’s surely getting her due royalty. Girl, you make me feel like I could move mountains on days when I can barely get over the hill and I love you for that. Don’t you dare ever change.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially the fact that she never seems to have a bad day-and if/when she does, the whole world doesn’t know about it. She doesn’t entertain drama and a more classy woman one will never meet. You go girl!!!

Ms. Motivator thinks I’m funny as ish. But, no, that’s not why she’s special to me. The reasons are too numerous but some stand out. She’s a real lover and believes in fairytales. And she’ll get her fairytale, once she realizes what I already know about her. She’s fantastic, funny, beautiful, loving, sweet, kind, a great mom, wonderful mate and overall just the cat’s meow! She’ll get that confidence back too once she gives herself that kick in the ass and takes my advice and just go, go, go-have that me day-have the extra piece of umph pie. Girl, you’re special and don’t you let anyone tell you or convince you otherwise. You had one big bump but don’t you dare let that stop you from getting through it and living again. And man, don’t you know how to make a gal feel great. If I were a comedian, I’d want you in the front row because girl, you have me thinking I’m funnier than Dave Chapelle.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially how modest she is. I’m gonna have to get her a mirror so she can see what I see. I’ll bring it to Florida when I come to visit J If only you really knew how much you motivate me-maybe then I could motivate you ;-0

So, Ms. Down for Whatever is leaving the country and will she be missed? You damn right she will but I believe the lines of communication will not be severed and besides, I already have a trip planned, so you better not mess that up J This mamacita here is quite a prize. Her sarcasm and wit-unmatchable. I haven’t known her for long but it sure feels like it. Easy to talk to and just OPEN. Open to listening and sharing. Great qualities and her husband is a lucky man for snagging her. Always on it? Yes, she is. Let there be something I need answered or problem solved-she’s on it like nobody’s business. And she’s dependable. Yeah, we went skydiving together. Now who else would trust me enough to take me up on such a random suggestion? And do we have fun!? Uhm, yeah-she’s Ms. Down for Whatever, right? So, if she’s around, the party has begun. Did I mention her insane obsession/love for shoes like me? Oh girl, how I’m going to miss you ;-( And does she have attitude!? Love it!

-What’s great about her? How about Everything-especially her style and flare. But, seriously, she’s just great, fun, and one of the sweetest ppl I know. Don’t you let that hot weather change you ;-)

So, my ladies are nowhere close to where I am but they’re close to my heart and I treasure then. Ladies, if I haven’t told you lately, I’m telling you now. You’re appreciated. You’re loved. You’re special. You’re fantastic and I love you for being YOU!

Forget Charlie: You’re My angels!!!!

It's always time for ME....time!

LIFE IS SHORT. PLAY NOW, NOT LATER!!!

FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF, ALL OVER AGAIN!!

It is all about me! For me at least ;-) And why shouldn't it be? I'm all I've got, in terms of permanency that is.  And if it's not all about me, then who is it going to be about? If I don't perch on that pedestal, then how will others know where to look ;-)? I work hard, so I play hard and I offer no apologies nor explanations for that. And, if you don't like it, kick rocks :-)

I have been told that I've changed in the last two years. Damn right I have! I've learned how to appreciate life a lot more. Instead of saying, 'I'll do this ONE DAY', I'm planning it right now.
* Note to self: Update Bucket List.

As a single woman, it's key to spoil yourself. It's key to knowing that you are worth that spa visit, that vacation just because, that shopping spree. Right now, I don't really have someone who'll do those things for me or even with me (well no one who's claimed that spot). I buy my own roses and take myself out on dates (till my date card starts to florish again). I treat myself and I plan on doing so more often. I used to do for others and forget to do for myself. *Shaking finger* Uh uh, no more!

Because I work so hard, I always try to take time to relax, to rejuvinate, to get back to ME. Every woman should do that, single or not. We lose our umph and sometimes forget how to get it back. Just take some time for yourself and it'll all fall into place. Don't let anyone tell you that you're overdoing it, that you're too flashy, that you're showing off. Do you and tell them to do them! As Diddy Dirty Money would say, 'don't watch me, watch TV'. Okay, you can go ahead and watch me, but don't hate me because of what you THINK I have going on. You don't know my struggles. You don't know my story, so don't try to edit my book.

Take now for example. I've been pulling in some crazy 15 hour days at work, averaging 3-3 1/2 hours of sleep a night, knots in my shoulder and back, stress building behind my eyes and between my ears. All I want is to be able to go home and sleep. All I'd love is to go home and have someone cater to me. But, alas, being single does not offer up that prize. And, so, I must find my own little oasis and take care of ME.

Me-time has become very important to me. Back in the days, it was OUR time and since of late I've realized that it wasn't even OUR time; it was more like HIS time, funded by me (financially, physically and emotionally). And I thought I was okay with that. Now, years later, I have something to compare. Now, I see that I had made it all about someone else for so long that I had completely lost myself. Well, I'm on a mission to find myself again....and as Diddy Dirty Money would say once again, "Can't stop, won't stop!"

So, I'm planning a 'did she just get up and go?' vacay. I'd love some company but I don't want to be too pushy. I don't want to seem needy. So, unless I get that vibe and unless the hints are 'clear hints'-(oxymoron), then, I'll go it alone. [I guess it's not ME-TIME if someone else is there, huh? But I so love 'your' company]. Anyhoo, I'll take a weekend and go relax somewhere and rejuvinate because God knows I need it. Damn, I deserve it ;-) And when I get back, I just may be 'brand new' and start acting 'brand new' too. LOL. Hey, so goes it sometimes, right? Let's roll the dice on that one and see what sticks.

Ladies and gentlemen, treat yourself-treat yourself often. Notice that you tend to be so quick to help others and when it comes time to do for yourself, you get flustered, you wonder if it's too much, you make a big deal about it because there's something else you could be doing with that money. And, Kelly is not saying that it has to cost an arm and a leg, nor does it have to cost at all, just take time for you. Life is too damn short and people are falling like flies, so if you're so blessed to have someone in your life who makes you tingle and whose presence makes your space a little warmer, turn that ME-TIME into WE-TIME ;-)

Just saying ♥

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♥   How much do you love yourself? Take this quiz and see: http://www.gotoquiz.com/how_much_do_you_love_you

♥   Do you love yourself? QUIZ ♥

1. Are you your number 1 fan?

2. Does your significant other respect you? How do you know?

3. Do you not waste time thinking everyone’s out to get you?

4. Do you fall in love freely?

5. Do you know you deserve to be loved?

6. Do you make loving choices about what you put into your body and strive for good health?

7. Do you know that holding grudges only destroys you mentally and emotionally?

8. Do you know that love hurts sometimes … and that it’s okay?

9. Do you treat strangers the way you want to be treated?

10. Do you realize that you have to give in order to get (in terms of love, respect and time)?

11. Are you willing to do your part to stay in a loving relationship.

12. Do you know it's okay and feels wonderful to say 'I love you'?

13. Do you tell those you care about that you care about them?

14. Do you accept and love the way you look? (Tricky one)

15. Does the person you're 'with' know you care for them?

16. Do you think of ways to treat yourself?

If you answered “no” to any of the questions above, you have some work to do. If you don’t treat yourself with respect, love and pride … how can you expect others to do the same? Here are a few tips to get you started down the right path:

♥   So, how do I make it all about you?

1.Start by waking up every day and saying something positive to yourself. “You’re beautiful.” “You’re smart.” You’re worth it.” You won’t believe how powerful these tiny words can be. And by starting off on a positive note, you’re preparing yourself for a loving, happy day.

2.Don’t settle! Don’t settle in your job. Don’t settle in your personal relationships. Don’t settle anywhere! You’re only holding yourself back and telling yourself that you’re not good enough.

3.Expect the best. When you expect to have loving, kind, fulfilling relationships, you will. The right person will be drawn to you. Allow this to be your new norm and watch how your life changes.

4.Secrets are no good (at least not when it comes to this). It’s important to realize that if you’re keeping secrets about your relationships or other aspects of your life, it’s not a good sign. If you are proud of your significant other or the way your life is headed, you’d be more than willing to share your success with your friends and family. By keeping it a secret, you subconsciously (or consciously) realize that it’s not the direction you should be heading. Take it as a sign.

♥ One Love y'all. Stay safe, live big and love large ♥

What a single woman says (vs) What she really means

Single ladies speak a whole different Language

♪♫ What I need from you is Understanding. How can we communicate if you don't hear what I say? ♫♪



Ladies, we speak in code. A code that men just can’t seem to decipher. And don’t let that code be that of a single woman over 30. Good Lord!!! We’d need to call on Samuel Morse from the grave for that one ;-) Personally, I think I’m a great communicator and listener (but I could be wrong-I‘ve heard that I interrupt a lot-short term memory problem). Sure, I may go about it in unconventional ways but nonetheless, I get my points across and I try my best to be as clear and as detailed as possible. “I wonder if I’m too long winded.” I’ve heard I am. Hmph! Gotta work on that. Let me add that to my ‘Work in progress’ list.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a work in progress. God’s working on MY guy and he’s also working on me for MY guy. I’m just trying to do my part. I’m taking responsibility. That’s the first step, right? Admitting one’s faults and mistakes. Calling yourself out. Accepting criticism (constructive or otherwise). I’m preparing myself for the magic that’s about to happen. Yep! I’m speaking it into existence.

So in my self-preparation, one of my biggest follies is communication. I’m gonna try to be clearer-not louder-clearer, and I know that single women say things and mean something completely different. And, we do that because we are so careful of what we say. We try to hold back a lot so as not to scare you guys away. Single guys get scared easily by single women. They all feel, we’re trying to either trap them or trick them into getting married ;-) Single women are judged so harshly. Everything we say is analyzed, poked and prodded-as if we don’t have it hard enough already. We shouldn’t have to go through that-but such is life. Let’s have a lesson in translation, why don’t we?! Tell me if I’ve got it right. And, ladies, single and attached, add yours to the list ;-)

WSWS (What Single Women Say) vs. WSRM (What She Really Means)

WSWS: He’s intimidated by my independence
WSRM: I think he wants to control me and I can’t have that

WSWS: No, it’s cool, you can go hang out with the guys. I’ll go hang out with the girls.
WSRM: Damn, I’m gonna have to stay in tonight because I was hoping to go out with you.

WSWS: ‘blah, blah, blah’-followed by ‘baby’
WSRM: I hope he gets the hint that I want to get more serious

WSWS: At the end of any conversation, “Okay, TTYL”
WSRM: I want you to call me later

WSWS: I hope to have kids one day soon
WSRM: I hope to have kids one day soon (so, if you’re not serious, don’t waste my time)

WSWS: Wanna go out? My treat ;-)
WSRM: I wanna go out ‘with you’ and I wish you’d ask

WSWS: Oh, I go out alone all the time
WSRM: I go out alone all the time but I’d prefer to go out with you

WSWS: I didn't see that you called/texted
WSRM: I no longer sit and wait by the phone for you to make contact because you're not dependable

WSWS: It’s cool if you just want to be friends
WSRM: I have enough male friends and I sure don't have sex with them. Whispers: 'This isn't going to work'

WSWS: I know you’re feeling down. I’m here for you if you need to talk
WSRM: I want you to confide in you. I care about you enough to listen

WSWS: I take care of myself
WSRM: I CAN take care of myself but it would be so nice to form a partnership where we take care of each other

WSWS: I can pay for my own stuff
WSRM: I CAN but I want to go from MINE to OURS

WSWS: I’d love for you to meet my family
WSRM: I’d love to meet your family

WSWM: I’m taking some time for me
WSRM: You’re not giving me what I need and I need to reevaluate this whole thing

WSWS: I don’t want you to call me tonight
WSRM: If you care, you’ll call. This is a test

WSWS: How do you feel about me?
WSRM: I want you to tell me honestly how you feel about me

WSWS: So how’d your last relationship end?
WSRM: How’d your last relationship end? I want to hear details and I pray you broke up with her

WSWS: Do you still talk to your ex?
WSRM: Am I a rebound?

WSWS (her voicemail message): You’ve reached ____. I’m not available right now….blah, blah, blah!
WSRM (her thoughts): I used to pick up your call every time but you messed up and now you’re on a time out ;-)

WSWS: I’m a little busy tonight. Maybe tomorrow.
WSRM: I’ve been too accessible and you didn’t appreciate it

WSWS: Hey, I tried
WSRM: Hey, I tried and I got nothing back. I’ll give you one more try but I’m not telling you that I am. I’m just going to observe you and make my decision based on your actions from here on out.

WSWS: Wanna go away for the weekend?
WSRM: I wanna see if we can stand each other in the same space/possibly live together later

WSWS: How do I look in this?
WSRM: Do you find me attractive?

WSWS: My ex called me yesterday but I didn’t really talk to him
WSRM: My ex called me yesterday and depending on where you and I are going, I may pick up when he calls next time

WSWS: I don’t like when you do that?
WSRM: I know you want to see how far you can push it. I’m aware and I don’t like it.

WSWS: I want you
WSRM: I want you (I never let my guard down unless I’m serious about you-and see potential)

WSWS: No, I’m okay, I can handle it
WSRM: I CAN handle it but I’d love it if you would help me

WSWS: I love surprises
WSRM: God, I hope you think of me enough to want to surprise me

WSWS: I love flowers
WSRM: I’d love for you to surprise me with flowers
　
WSWS: I want you to take charge
WSRM: I need you to take charge

WSWS: Do you want to come over tonight?
WSRM: I want to be held tonight

WSWS: You wanna come over tonight?
WSRM: I’m feeling randy baby! Come gimme some ;-)

WSWS: After a fight, “Don’t touch me”
WSRM: I want you to hold me and make it better

WSWS: I miss you
WSRM: I miss you and I hope you share that sentiment

WSWS: I love you
WSRM: Okay, my guard is down and I’m thinking future here. Leave now if you don’t intend on taking this to the next level

WSWS: So, what do you really want from me?
WSRM: I’m falling for you and I’m scared

WSWS: So, where do you see us going?
WSRM: I don’t want to waste my time if you’re not serious because I am

WSWS: Do you think we should see other people?
WSRM: I want you but I can’t sit around and wait for you to come around

WSWS: I’ve got a headache tonight
WSRM: I’m getting tired of this booty call stuff. Let’s get serious or I’m cutting you off

WSWS: Why didn’t you call me?
WSRM: I’m beginning to wonder if I’m the only one you’re seeing

WSWS: I don’t really have anything planned for this weekend
WSRM: I have nothing planned for this weekend and I hope you will fill that slot

WSWS: I think I may go away next weekend
WSRM: I want you to go away with me next weekend

WSWS: I don’t usually do anything for my birthday
WSRM: No one has done anything special for me in a while, or at all. Can you fix that?

WSWS: I’m not going to hurt you
WSRM: God, I hope you don’t hurt me

WSWS: You can talk to me
WSRM: Please let down your guard and let me in
　

Communication is not communication if both people are closed to listening and people! you have to listen with your ears and eyes. The single woman has her own agenda that the single man may have no idea about and vice versa. That’s like two people, locked in separate phone booths, side by side, talking to each other on the phone. Yes, words are being exchanged, but wouldn’t it be nicer if you could see that person’s facial expression, read their body language and wouldn’t it be nice if they could see and read yours?

Body language/non-verbal communication is a language all on it’s own and sometimes you can read more from the actions than what‘s being verbalized.

WSWD (What Single Women Do) vs. WSRS (What She’s Really Saying)

WSWD: Not returning phone calls
WSRS: “I want you to try harder. What you’re doing isn’t cutting it.”

WSWD: Turning her back to you in bed
WSRS: “I want you to hold me.”

WSWD: Looking away when you argue
WSRS: “If I keep looking at you, you’ll see the hurt and I don’t want you to see me cry.”

WSWD: Cooking for you
WSRS: “I want to get to your heart and I heard the best way is through your stomach.”

WSWD: Offering to do your laundry
WSRS: “I want to take care of you. Please let me.”

WSWD: Straddling you
WSRS: “Let’s get nasty baby.”

WSWD: Buying you gifts
WSRS: “I don’t see this as just a little fling and I hope you don‘t either.”

WSWD: Catering a party for you and your boys (Super Bowl party)
WSRS: “You see, I’ll make a good wife.”

WSWD: Role playing
WSRS: “I want you to know I am a lady in the streets but I’m YOUR personal freak in the bedroom.”

WSWD: Asking if you want to have a threesome (you, her and another woman)
WSRS: “If you're serious about me, you’ll say ‘hell no!‘ or if this is just about sex, you‘ll say ‘hell yeah!”

WSWD: Going on dates with other people besides you
WSRS: “I want you to know I have options.”

WSWD: Taking forever to respond to a text
WSRS: "You take too long to respond to my texts so I'm showing you what it's like."

WSWD: Not returning phonecalls like she used to
WSRS: "I need to think a little about what's going on here. I'm starting to care and I'm doubting that you do."

WSWD: Answering calls from guys in front of you
WSRS: “I want you to see/know that I have nothing to hide, but at the same time, know that I have options.”

WSWD: Leaving the room to talk on the phone
WSRS: “I’m talking to my girlfriend but I want you to think it’s another guy.” [1. If it was a guy who‘s a threat, I wouldn’t have answered. 2. You’ve given me reason to doubt you and I want you to think I have options.]

WSWD: Putting her phone on vibrate
WSRS: “It’s all about you and me. No interruptions.”
　
WSWD: Turning her phone off when you’re around
WSRS: “You’re not the only one getting my time-and I don’t want you ruining my pimp game.”

WSWD: Turning her phone off, period (you can’t get through)
WSRS: 1. “I’m with someone else who I’m digging 2. “You pissed me off and I’m trying to calm down and I hope there is at least one voicemail when I turn my phone back on.” 3. “I’m having sex. Do not disturb.”

WSWD: Switching her pocketbook to the next shoulder, to free up the arm on the side you’re on
WSRS: “I want you to hold my hand.”

WSWD: Giving you her time and attention
WSRS: “I’m making the effort because I’m into you but don’t take it for granted.”
　

So, how do we go about bridging that gap guys- where both parties are in tune with each other-are letting down their guard to receive and accept intimacy? How do you, the single woman speak clearly without seeming needy? How do you, the single man, say your piece without closing the door on any possibilities. You’re digging her but you want to move slowly. You’re digging her but you’re scared-and you know she’ll leave if you don’t get YOUR act together. How do you communicate that without seeming weak? See, that’s the problem; you have two people who care about each other but have both been hurt and now are scared to admit they care-scared that the other person will take advantage of that knowledge-scared that they are the only one caring-scared that they’ll leave you-scared that you’ll make a mistake and lose them. That’s exactly what will happen too. If there isn’t clear communication, one person will eventually close that door. What’s crazy is that that person is usually the one who cares more-the person who is trying their hardest to communicate but is getting nothing back or is not getting enough back. The thought pattern becomes, "I know I’d rather hurt myself than allow you to".

It’s a tough one guys. We know it. It’s tough for us too. That’s one of the reasons we remain single-lack of communication. My solution!? Speak your mind; hope they’re listening and deal with the consequences, good or bad. At the very least, you will be able to sleep knowing that you gave it your best shot! Good luck!
Wouldn’t it be nice if a single guy throws in his two cents? Wouldn’t it be nicer if a couple of single guys threw in their rebuttal ‘WSMS vs. WHRM? *Hint, hint*


~KLF~

I'm putting myself on BLAST!

I don't need anyone to tell me, I know. I've got a road ahead of me but guess what? I know it. The first step of any struggle is admitting that you have one. I've realized that my blogs are getting a little attention and so, I figured I'd use it as a forum of motivation for myself. I'm also hoping to gain some help from you guys, in the form of accountability. So, what do you say? You got my back, or what? Are you gonna help me get to where I need to be? I sure hope so.

I'm a fatty! And I need to be held accountable!

College-Nice legs

I'm way above my ideal weight. I haven't been at my ideal weight in uhm, hell if I know.I've always been a 'thick' woman (don't you love when people call you thick, instead of fat?) In college, I was pretty okay-thick and all. What I do know is that I want to be at my ideal weight-I want to desperately! And I'll get there, come hell or high water. I started gaining and maintaining in 2007 when I first moved to Atlanta. I moved here alone and got a little depressed. I was also in the midst of a turmultuous relationship. Like many other women, we eat when we're angry. We eat when we're happy. We eat when we're sad. I am no exception. At first, I was losing the weight-I was too sad to eat nor sleep. My bff saw me and didn't even recognize me. And then, when the relationship 'seemed' to be getting better, I ate to display my happiness. And, he didn't stop me. He loved that pound by pound, I was starting to dislike myself a bit more. That only meant that I would depend on him because nobody else would want me-his words. Ain't he great? ;-) Oh, how we allow guys to dictate our lives-but that’s another blog on ‘self esteem in a relationship’.

Anyhoo, this blog is not about that fool. It's about the progression. It's about how this damn cortisol crept in full force after I hit 30 and has taken up residence around my mid-section and around my bra straps. It's hard guys....so hard....and me working away from home sure doesn't help ;-( 

I'm actually a very active person, I go paintballing, running, walking, bike riding, swimming, hiking, mountain climbing, white water rafting, rock climbing, 5Ks for charity, Amazing race spin-offs, skydiving, you name it, I exercise and I go hard. But, I eat as hard as I work out-thus the dilemma. I love food and I cook it very well. What I’ve found is that when I’m in a relationship, I experiment and I cook. I love cooking for people, especially the person I’m with. And I don’t hold back. I cook every and any thing. And, of course, when I cook it, I have to taste it right? And of course, it’s soooo good, so I have to eat it, right? And here’s my happy eating personified. I’ll work out and lose it and it’s right back there, snickering at me, like, “Thought you lost me, didn’t ya?” But, I have to do something, seriously! And I need your help.

 I go hard when I paintball!

                                             I was hell bent on getting this down-Yeah, it was exercise!

 I climb Stone Mountain for fun 

                                                                                         

Atlanta's Great Urban Race 2011. Off the chain! Can't wait for '12

I’ve tried everything. Let me tell you that before you all start offering advice and diet/exercise regimens. I’ve tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Diet clinics, B12, HCG, Xenadrine, when it was out, flushes, the cayenne pepper diet and Sensa. Yeah, they all worked but I got tired of them too soon or the minute I stopped losing that regular weight (I would plateau), I gave up. And, on to the next one, after an extreme binging, of course. Between, before and after these escapades, I’d work out. I’d work out all the time-but I wasn’t consistent. I didn’t have longevity. I go with my bros and mom on the Silver Comet Trail. I’d run Stone Mountain’s 5.5miles on a daily basis with the Dexmeister or Big Chocky. I’d climb Stone Mountain just for shits and giggles and it felt great. Every single time, it felt great.

The thing is that I keep forgetting how great it feels. I guess I could attribute that to my short term memory. I need to get on a gingko biloba regimen because I’m scared I’ll suffer from Alzheimer later on in life. I forget everything. Even now, I’m forgetting what point I was trying to make. Oh yeah, I keep forgetting how great I feel after a workout. I have a lot on my mind and as such, I lose so much data if I don’t ‘post it’ or ‘add it to my to do list’. I guess I need to make a post it note to remind me how great I feel after a workout-how wonderful those endorphins feel pumping through my neurons. I’ll do that, actually!

I’ve tried to weight watch with friends over the phone and online. I’ve set goals (trips, gifts, etc.) but since I was the one rewarding myself, it didn’t work out. Had it been someone else setting these stipulations (someone I gave a crap about), I probably would have met my goal a long time ago. A girlfriend of mine and I had a conversation November 2010. I was telling her about how hard I was working out-again. She was telling me that I was a pretty good looking chick and that, and I quote, “Girl, when you lose that weight, you’re gonna be a bad bitch!” I so wanna be a bad bitch. I dress pretty nicely. I clean up nicely. I love nice things and have a crazy shoe fetish. I’ve got to get it together so that I can have that ‘sick shopping spree’ I’ve promised myself. I WANNA BE A BAD BITCH! I want that shopping spree.

I’ve done the ‘put a sexy pic of yourself on the fridge’ thing. I’ve kept a diary and the best one so far was LOSE IT, an app for Ipod. And it helped big time back in 2009. It helped me lose 40lbs and yes, I put the damn thing right back on the minute I was out of the funk I was in (I’d lost my job). So, here I am, happy as ever and I’m happy eating again. And, I have the nerve to be using LoseIt again. When I’m good, I’m good but when I’m bad, man, I’m bad! Check me out:

            
       

 

I know what I need. I need stability. I need a partner to work out with (and I think I’ve found one-gotta make sure he keeps me around). Shout out to DB. I really appreciate you going to the gym with me when I'm home. I really do have fun witcha! But, that's on the weekend. I need help during the week. I do work out in teh hotel's gym. When I'm on it, I work out everyday, at least 1 1/2 hr each day. When I'm not on it, nuff said. But, I need realization that if I don’t get it together now, I’ll be 40 and looking crazy. I need to realize that it’s not all about looks. It’s about my health. And I know how much I want to do in my life, now that I can-so I have to make sure I’m healthy enough to do them  all.

I’m not a dog. I clean up nicely ;-) I look pretty okay, but okay is not good enough. I was looking through my FB albums today and had to shake my damn head. What happened Kelz? How’d you let it get to this point? The majority of the pics look pretty good and people keep telling me I look fine, great, sexy, fantastic even. But, guess what? When you know where you’re coming from and where you should be, all that hooplah is just that-hooplah!

                                 All taken in 2011

                    
                                                    Taken in 2010.
               

I feel like I have stocks in Firestone because I keep carrying around this damn spare tire (corny joke, I know). Bet you smiled though ;-) This past weekend, my, uhm, what do I call him? Friend/mate/partner (another blog-another time) poked my stomach and jokingly did the ’woo-hoo, Pilsbury doughboy’ thing. Did I find that mess funny? Hell no! But the realization hit me….and it hit me hard. First, that was kinda mean and insensitive (remind me to kick his ass later) but also, I’ve become too damn comfortable with where I am in life that I’m literally, letting it all hang out. Just last year, I was looking ‘flat-ish’-LOL. And here I am, walking around myself and falling over myself. Okay, Kelz, let’s do this. And D, no more poking me like that please! It doesn’t do much for a girl’s self esteem (even though you swore you meant nothing by it). You're lucky I like you ;-)

So, people, I implore you. I beseech you. Shoot me some knowledge here. Offer me up some constructive criticism and encouragement. Holla at ya girl. Let me know what’s what. Give me the what’s for. In short, tell me about myself. I can take it. Just don’t go to hard now. A girl still has feelings. I need some tough love and some weight loss stories. I need some encouragement and I need some hope. I need it and I need it now!

I may be 30-something, single and sensational, but I want to live to be 70, happily attached, sexy, healthy and fantastic. Holla!

 

THE 7 DEADLY SINS OF DATING!!!!

I’m dating (I think). Are you?

Disclaimer : Everything you will read below is my opinion and based on my experiences. Do not use this to determine the basis of a breakup or reconnection, unless, of course, you really value my honest, intelligent, rational advice. Tee hee ;-)
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Let’s define dating, shall we? Dating (in Kelly’s world), is the art, yes, I said art, of wooing and courting-the action of demonstrating and assuring your partner that this is not just for today. Dating is the mode of getting to know each other on a different level with each and every new encounter you share. So, I guess, we are all in the process of dating or at least, at some point, we did or will be.

Yes, you married people are still dating too. Well, I sure hope so. With each new day, each time you do something together, you’re dating-you’re getting to know that person on a new and more intimate level and if you’re not, you are committing one of ……

of Dating (Just in time for Halloween too)




1. Thou shalt not have a sense of ENTITLEMENT

When it’s ‘new-new‘, we go all out. We don’t assume anything. We dress to the T, our speech is different, our breath is always fresh ;-) We get the sexy voice going. We smell great. We return phone calls. We answer phone calls. We leave voicemail. And…we TRY! We try to be ‘perfect’. Until a LOVE BLOCKER creeps in. Entitlement is one such LOVE BLOCKER.

Gotta give to get

You may ask, ‘who is frequented by this LOVE BLOCKER?’

- Narcissists
- Ballers
- Ladies with ‘daddy issues’ and ‘mama’s boys’
- Spoiled brats (either by parents or past loves)
- Etc.
So, how does that sense of Entitlement stop us from fully loving each other? Well, when we place parameters/limits/expectations on someone else’s actions, it is almost guaranteed they’ll demolish those expectations. After all, we are human and when anyone is pushed into a corner, what do we do? We come out clawing/guns blazing!!

You may be saying/thinking:- I deserve to be loved unconditionally. If s/he loved me, s/he would do blah blah blah
The other person hears/thinks:- Sorry, but you may be unconditionally lovable; but you’re not unconditionally likable
You may be saying/thinking- Everything should always be fair and equal in a relationship
The other person hears/thinks:- Okay, so we’ll share the money, the car, the friends. Will we also share the blame?
You may be saying/thinking:- I should never get bored in a relationship; excitement is a requirement (And you expect it is your partner's job to entertain you?)
The other person hears/thinks:- Unless we’re running a circus, we will have downtime. Good luck with that. “Dance!”
You may be saying/thinking:- If I do not feel "in love" all the time there must be something wrong with my partner
The other person hears/thinks:- So, now I’m going to have to say ‘I love you’ every time he/she does. That takes away from the ‘special-ness’ of it all. Talk about NEEDY!
You may be saying/thinking:- We should never fight. Fighting is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship
The other person hears/thinks:- I’ve got a crazy one here. Arguing/fighting is very healthy, the good fights, at least. Not only does it make for good makeup loving but it shows that we care enough about each other to ‘duke it out’. Start to worry when the other person or you chooses to walk away instead of staying to ‘fight’ it out.* Note to self: If you do argue/fight, someone has to make it right/say sorry-and it does not have to be the person who was wrong. Never go to bed mad! *Cliché*

So, in conclusion, (because I am a science teacher-and I like steps and results), here’s the end all, be all-Do not walk around with that sense of entitlement, no matter how new or old the relationship is. People are people and we get what we give (if we’re lucky). Chances are that if we express what we want, in a reasonable fashion, our counterpart, being of sound mind and body, will reciprocate. But, don’t just expect things automatically because you’re so freaking special. Trust me, you’re not! And, if you don’t get what you need from your partner and it keeps you up at night, reevaluate.

2. Thou shalt not be a party to RAD (reactive attachment disorder)-Lack of affection

You’re new to each other. Your initial reaction was lust and you want that ‘lust’ to stay active in the relationship. I know, I know (lust is one of those sins) but you want that physical attraction to be there, to permeate into your thoughts so that when you see the person, you want to hug them, you want to kiss them. If/when that ‘lust’ goes away, it’s quite possible that someone else is receiving that affection and it’s sometimes impossible to get that back at that point.

Serious PDA

So, PDA is acceptable and encouraged. Hold hands, kiss her, kiss him, grab his butt, why don’t you?! I love that stuff myself, especially that forehead kiss. Show them you WANT them. Show them you care. And, for goodness sakes, don’t be afraid to share how you feel about him/her with those people who mean the world to you (family and friends). It solidifies it in your mind and heart and allows others to share your joy. Pssst! And it shows him/her that you care enough to let the whole world know.
You used to text sweet nothings all the time, just to let them know you’re thinking of them. Then, you stop! And now, you’re both left wondering if they still care. Never lose that fire. Never lose the urge to say ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you.’ And, if you must spend time apart, adopt the better of the two: "absence makes the heart grow stronger" as opposed to "out of sight, out of mind." Don't get lax on your normal routine and show of affection because the person is not right beside you-within breath smelling range.
- “But, if I show them I really care, they’ll use that against me.” That’s quite possible but how will you know if you don’t try.

Here’s what the professionals say:"Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy."

Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain.
Check it out- http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/2008/12/adult-attachment-disorder.html

So what do I do? Well, like I told a friend of mine “Always show affection, especially when you think you don‘t need to; and when you fight with her, hug her, kiss her. Love the pain, anger and hurt away.” It works every time.

3. Though shalt not allow SOMBERNESS to enter your world-Lack of laughter

I laugh at least three times a day. I try to have a belly laugh at least once. What makes me happy? Life and my boonkie Dexter. I look at him and my heart sings. That’s how I want to feel in a relationship. That’s how I want to feel in a relationship everyday. We forget to enjoy each other and what’s even worse is that we forget to enjoy ourselves. I am hilarious! I don’t need anyone to tell me this. I know I am. And, I love to make people around me laugh too. In a relationship, I love when my man laughs-that belly laugh. It makes me feel good to know that ‘I’ made ’his’ heart feel good. That’s why I try to up the mood on FB. If I can’t be with you in person to make you giggle, then I want to tickle you via my wall ;-)

So, of course, in the beginning of a relationship or while in a relationship/marriage, laugh together, often. Don’t be afraid to share your joy with the one you love or are interested in. When the mood hits you, have a tickle fight. Why the hell not?! Just have tissue close by for the clean up ;-)
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile and you burn more calories smiling than you do hating each other.
Check it out: http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/pdf/Laughter_Good_Medicine.pdf

 

4. Thou shalt not entertain MONOTONY
 “Baby, who do you want to be tonight?”
“I‘ll be Madonna and you can be Dennis Rodman.”
“Okay, but who‘ll wear the dress?”
LOL



I'm bored



You have to *spice it up* Lack of spontaneity is like a cancer. Once you get into that habit, it spreads and soon, you‘re stuck in boredom-land, confused about how you got there. You have to be open to trying new things. You have to be comfortable enough to know that you won’t be judged and that the fun won’t be just for today. When you first meet each other, be yourself. Let them know you’re an extrovert from jump street so that when the whips and chains come out later, nobody’s surprised ;-)



And be creative! Think! Think about what that person would like. Think about what you like that may trigger a ‘like’ in your partner. Be open to trying new things with your partner. This year, I went on ‘Atlanta’s Great Urban Race, run for Cancer and skydiving, yep, skydiving. And before it gets too cold, I’m going horseback riding and white water rafting (again). Problem is that I did those things single and I hope to do the remainder as a couple. *fingers crossed*

I love doing new things. It gets me out of my routine, allows me to experiment and shows that I’m open and willing to creating memories with the person I’m with. I love surprises. This guy I was seeing, ‘THE EX’ used to do cute things all the time. We played hide and go seek with the dogs and each other. We had our usual Monopoly game on Tuesdays (though it was routine, it was special), we would take walks, have picnics, he’d leave me notes on the fridge and at times, would pack me a lunch for work. I’d come home to dinner, I’d find love notes in my shoes. I’d get text messages to meet him ‘somewhere’ at some time and another message telling me not to question it. He’d buy me little inexpensive trinkets just because. He’d send me ecards just because and I’d get flowers (not just roses-sometimes some names I haven’t even heard of). Teddy bears would show up on my passenger seat and tickets to a baseball game under my windshield wipers. Wait a minute! Why the hell did I break up with him? LMAO But, the fact is, he thought of me, what he thought I’d like (didn’t even have to be sure I’d like it) and he went for it because he knew, regardless, it would make me smile. Damn him!

　

5.  Thou shalt not elicit DECEIT

Lies? Just don’t do it. I don't have to go into too much details with this. This is really self explanatory. Be open, especially if you’re afraid to be. It saves you a lot of hassle later on. And when a lie catches up with you, its bite is so much more worse than its bark-not to mention the embarrassment of it all. And, you run the risk of losing someone who you’ve come to love for a lie you told when you first met them-that you may have forgotten but they didn't.

Being pretentious? Avoid at all costs-no need to try to impress someone based on what you think they will like. Too much work-otherwise, you’ll have to keep up that façade and it gets expensive ;-)

Simple and to the point-JUST DON’T DO IT!!

6. Thou shalt not lay down with HIBERNATION

It’s almost wintertime and we all want to be at home, cuddled up, in our underwear, watching movies for three/four months. NOPE! Get ya ass up and go out and do stuff. A picnic? I’m down for it. A random walk? Let’s go. A weekend trip? Come on. Let’s go to a cabin? Sure.

I love to frolic. I love the outdoors. I love getting dressed up and going, just going. It doesn’t matter wehre I’m going as long as I’m going with you. Just recently, this fabulous guy called me up and asked me to go to a strip club with him and his cousin. Now, that was spontaneous. He thought of me, knew I was outgoing and wanted me around. I loved that-a lot. Shhh! Don’t tell him ;-) Just think of me and I’ll be down for whatever.

And when you spend time outside of the home, you don't have a choice but to talk, learn new things about each other. At home, in bed, more than likely, there's not too much talking going on ;-)

7. Though shalt not communicate with INCOMMUNICADO

You have to communicate. You just have to. And not only do you have to talk to each other but you have to listen too. Communication is like a two-oared boat. We need both oars going in the same direction, otherwise, nobody’s going anywhere.

I’ve found that the older men become, the less they want to express themselves. Women, on the other hand, tend to be very talkative. We want to ask questions and demand answers. And, when we don't get it we create our own assumptions and stories. So, why not just offer that clarification-ease our minds and in turn, we'll ease yours ;-)

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I’m guilty, of some, maybe most, okay all of these relationship sins, at some point or another. And, yes, that may have been 90% of the reason I remained single. The other 10% was my refusal to settle for less than what I knew would make me happy. I don’t regret my decisions but I’m ready to do better, to realize my faults and work towards becoming a better person, a better partner, a better mate. Don’t judge me. I’m trying.

So, let‘s stop sinning people; let’s go to relationship confessional. Let’s confess our sins to ourselves and to each other. If the relationship is worth it, if the marriage is worth it, let’s work on it together. Let’s grow together as better people, better couples and I guarantee you, with effort and consistency, how can we fail?!

~KLF~

Sing it baby!