We need to talk!!!!!!!!!!

We need to talk

Every guy hates to hear this…it’s like kryptonite and inside, they shrink and revert to a fetal state and lose all auditory capacity and neural function. Ladies, we know it’s hard to talk to our men, almost impossible. There are the lucky few who have great conversation with their partner but I’m sure it took work, it took time and it took patience and a lot of compromise.

I’m an educator-been one for ten plus years and had wonderful success. I pride myself on being a good communicator. I didn’t say great. I said good. I’m working on being great. If you know me, you know I love to express myself. What you don’t know is that I’m very shy. Yep! Very, very shy. I’m also very private (you wouldn’t believe it if you’re on my FB). I have to feel comfortable with you. I have to know that you’re not judgmental and that you understand my quirky ways before I let down my guard and just be ME. After that, it’s no holds barred. I’m all out there…LOL…and I think that’s why people like me ;-)

But, I say all that to get to a point. I love to communicate. I have come across some great people in my life and I’ve lost a lot of them-at no fault of my own. Yeah, I said it. If I’m wrong, I’ll say so. The thing is that my recipe for communication does not always work with everyone. I can be abrasive. I can be out spoken but I love that about me. I don’t sugar coat things. What’s the point? Lying to you to make you feel good? Nah, let’s just get it out there and work on it. Let’s do it together. So, in order to not lose anyone else in my life who I truly care about, I’ve decided to revamp my methods of communicating, taking others’ feelings into consideration, taking others’ methods of communicating into consideration, taking others’ past experiences into consideration, taking others’ fears into consideration. And, this is going to be tough for me because I feel that as adults, we should be able to speak to each other, let down our guard and express ourselves. We, as adults, should be able to say how we feel when we feel it to those we feel it for and not be afraid of what happens next.

So, let me take you on my journey to being an EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATOR

Communication takes in three processes: Basic communication theory, basic educational theory and practical application.

What is communication? It is the sharing of meaning by sharing and receiving symbolic cues-Grice & Skinner, 2004. Who speaks like this? I know I don’t, but, let’s break that down. Cues are value-laden, meaning, in order for a message to be received, the receiver has to see the message as being important, having value. Otherwise, you’re speaking to deaf ears. Ladies, you’ve experienced that. You’re talking to him and it’s like talking to a wall. He doesn’t see what you’re saying as having any value and treats it as such. You have to change the way you attempt to get him to listen.

Ladies, we have the ability to ‘manipulate’ others with the way we communicate. Please don’t get your panties in a bunch. Manipulation, though it has negative connotations, can be positive too. I can manipulate someone to do something that is good for them, something that will help them be better. Case in point, I see a few people running to the gym because I am. I know that’s what did it-no matter how you want to spin it. “I’m doing it for me.” “ I’m doing it because I need to.” Whatever! If I wasn’t putting it out there, you wouldn’t be trying as hard as you are now. So, yes, you’re welcome ;-) I manipulated you to get up off your ass and go to gym, something you’ve been trying to do for so long. So, the same way I was able to manipulate ‘them’ to go workout, I can manipulate him to be better, whether they accept it consciously or not. Ladies, you’ll find that it’s easier to manipulate a man to do something detrimental than something that will benefit you and him. Go figure! I think it has a lot to do with FEAR. They’re scared of positive prospects, in terms of love. That’s just how it is with men. That’s why they’re the ones who ask us to marry them. It has to be on their terms. That’s a whole other blog. Let’s focus.

Here’s ancient communication.

The problem with this is that communication is only in a one-way fashion. You’ve come across that, where you’re the only one who seems to give a damn. He just sits there, either pretending to listen or not but giving no feedback. With this type of communication, we assume 100% accuracy and we also assume that there are no interruptions in between. C’mon people, no one should communicate like this. And, unfortunately, that’s how we communicate today. Sometimes, ladies, we get selfish and cocky, thinking that as long as we tell him what we want, he should understand. It doesn’t work like that.

Here’s modern communication

Now, this is a little better, not great, but better. This is interpersonal communication. Two people communicating. We expect feedback. Feedback helps us to gauge how effective our message is. Without feedback, there is no communication. But, Kelz, I can’t make him talk to me. You’re right; you can’t. But, ladies, I’ll try to show you how to work around that. Stick with me.

With modern communication, we need to take one (1) thing into account and it’s a big thing too. NOISE!! No, not the music playing in the background or the football game that’s on TV. Okay, that too but I’m talking about NOISE, internal, external and environmental. When communicating with anyone, you have to give allowances for noise interruptions. Noise interruptions affect effective communication. What noise are you talking about woman? Well, I’m talking about him thinking about his ex. I’m talking about him worried about his job. I’m talking about him wondering what’s for dinner. I’m talking about him wondering if you’re cheating on him. I’m talking about him anticipating the football game. I’m talking about the temperature of the room. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. I’m talking about the damn alarm clock going off. I’m talking about the horn honking outside. I’m talking about his phone vibrating and you wondering who that could be. I’m talking about the perfume you smelled on his shirt last night but didn’t say anything. I’m talking about your ex who called you yesterday and you don’t know if you should tell him. I’m talking about the new pumps you have on that are killing your little toe. I’m talking about the ring he has in his pocket that he was going to propose to you with but you started acting crazy. I’m talking about regret, holding on to past rubbish, being afraid of new possibilities. I’m talking about anything that disturbs the message going from the sender to the receiver and feedback from the receiver to the sender. That’s NOISE! That’s what I’m talking about. And, ladies, we’re horrible at taking that NOISE into consideration. We feel that if he doesn’t say it, everything in his life is just fine. I mean, c’mon now. Who has that privilege? No one! So, though it takes a lot of effort on our part, ladies, we have to take his NOISE into consideration-even though some of that noise pisses us off-it’s his NOISE and it’s something that he’s going through and we have to take that into consideration. Yes, it’s hard. I know it is. I’m dealing with it right now myself.

We can’t stop the noise so let’s try to minimize the noise and maximize the message. Pray tell, how do you do that Kelly? Well, we have to learn cues. Remember me mentioning that earlier? We have to learn the three (3) types of cues: symbolic cues, non-verbal cues and universal symbols. Man, this feels like a college level class, doesn’t it? Yep. That’s how it is when you give a crap about someone and want to make it work.

Symbolic cues-those are the ones that you pick out from what he says. “You know what, when you’re not bitching, you’re pretty cool.” After you raise your eyebrows and make that face, you realize that he’s just paid you a compliment and what he really means to say is, “I wish you didn’t bitch as much BECAUSE when you don’t, you’re pretty cool.”
Non-verbal cues-He kisses you on the forehead instead of the lips. If you’ve seen ‘Best Man’, you know that’s the endearing kiss. Personally, I’d rather the kiss on the lips. But, for some, that cue says a lot. Another non-verbal cue. You’re together and you both go quiet. You catch him eyeing you but says nothing. He wants you to talk to him. Guys are weird, I know.

Universal cues-He grabs you and pins you against the wall. Well, need I say what he’s trying to say? I doubt it. Here’s another. He used to call and text all the time, everyday and now, you’re lucky if you get one per week. He’s moved on or is moving on and maybe you need to do the same.

Use the cues ladies. When the noise is too loud, use those cues to help you determine if your message is getting across.
Let’s understand the communication Theory (keep in mind that a theory is an educated guess backed by evidence, has been tested but leaves room for change). In communication, we have to understand our audience, understand the environment and understand the purpose. So, ladies, we must understand our men-understand where they are mentally and emotionally before we attempt to communicate. We have to understand where we are when we’re trying to communicate. Damn sure can’t do it at a football game or in the throws of passion. The purpose has to beneficial to both people, otherwise, you’re the only one who gives a rat’s ass. The purpose has to have positive gains for both people involved and he has to know the purpose.

Let’s talk about understanding our audience ladies and gentlemen, for that matter. We have to take demographics into consideration. We have to be careful not to stereotype. We can’t assume we know everything about him because he fit’s a certain demographic. He’s not your EX, though he may exhibit like tendencies. He’s not your dad, though he’s dependable. He’s not your friend, so don’t treat him as such, unless that’s what you want. He’s not a bum because he lost his job. He’s not an abuser because he raised his voice that one time. Again, I stress, he’s not your EX and we have a tendency to compare the new men in our lives with those we left behind. Vice versa, we expect him to not judge us based on his past experiences. He must know that you are an individual, not HER. You MAY NOT hurt him like she did, but he has to give you a chance to show him you won’t. Because she cheated, doesn’t mean you will. Because she stuck around and took his $hit, doesn’t mean you will. Here’s what I subscribe to: “I’m not just a woman, black, outspoken, independent, sexy, beautiful, creative, kind, honest, selfless, a great cook, funny as all get out, fun to be around, sweet, educated, ambitious, hard working, but if you put those all together, you’ll find one UNIQUE individual and I want you to treat me as such.”

Chicas, we must take note of the psychographics, both your values, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. Those are characteristics of our audience, the men we want in our lives.

You notice that these are cyclic, right? That means that they impact each other. You can have positive and negative psychographics. The majority will be negative, unfortunately but that’s because we’re afraid of change. We don’t always see why we may need to. What we need to do ladies and gentlemen, is address these psychographics before they become NOISE. Sit with your partner and talk…I mean talk. Get to know each other. Learn about each others’ values, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. That way, you can know what should work when communicating and what definitely won’t. And, it also allows for bonding. Ultimately, don’t we want to know our partners, inside and out?

So, we’re prepping for ‘the talk’ and we’re scared. We don’t know if he/she will be responsive. We don’t know if the outcome will be what we hope for. So, we tred lightly. Do not be remiss and forget your audience’s need. Think about what he/she needs before you push forward. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs tells us that we all have five (5) basic needs. Starting from the bottom, if we don’t meet the first, the one at the bottom, we won’t care about the others. So, if the person you’re attempting to communicate with does not have his/her basic need met, no matter how you try, there will be NOISE and your words will fall on deaf ears. Let’s break down these needs, shall we?

Physiological-our very basic needs. Food, for example. If that need is not met, forget about it. Now, it sounds crazy and funny even, but have you ever tried to talk to someone who’s hungry? Try it and tell me how it goes. That may be why they say, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” LOL.

Safety-In it’s basic form, this is speaking of shelter, having a roof over your head, but we can amp it up a bit. If the person you’re trying to communicate with doesn’t feel safe with you, there will be NOISE.
Social-Everyone wants to be a part of a group and if he/she doesn’t feel like they belong, there’s that NOISE.
Esteem- And, it doesn’t necessarily have to be acceptance from you. It could be from family, friends, coworkers…those people who, to them, are important. Some people struggle with self esteem issues and that NOISE lives with them everyday so as you’re trying to communicate, all they’re hearing is, “she’s/he’s going to leave me because I’m not good enough.”
Self Actualization-The question of, “have I fulfilled all I can be?’ We all struggle with that. What we need to understand is that we may never get to this tier on Maslow’s pyramid. What we can do though, is try. Furthermore, we need to accept that we may never get there. And, to top that off, not because you haven’t gotten there, doesn’t mean you have to push everyone away as you try. You can try with someone. I’ve met guys who were so hell bent on proving a point to themselves that they have pushed me away. They’ve thought that in order to get to where they needed to, they should have no distractions. Remember guys, it’s best to get to a goal with a good woman by your side. That way you know she’s genuine. When you get to the top, you know she did it with you, loved you when you had nothing and still stuck around because she saw potential in you. That’s a ride or die…not those chicks who jump on your band wagon when you have already gone through the struggle.

In Maslow’s pyramid, we tend to jump around based on where we are in our lives. If each is not addressed, they become noise and that noise breaks communication. So, ladies/gentlemen, refer to your pyramid and communicate what’s important and see if you can get there together.

So, as we progress through this college lesson (I know it’s long and kind ‘booky’ but stay with me), we take our audience’s disposition into consideration. Ever tried talking to someone who resents you? Not cute. We have to consider our listener’s feelings of like, neutrality, or dislike towards you, the topic of discussion or the situation. So, you’re trying to talk to him, to save your relationship, because you see it going to $hit and all he’s thinking is, “I’m mad at her” or “Didn’t we just talk about this last week?” or “no matter what she says, it won’t change my mind”. You tell me if that’s going to produce negative or positive feedback. Exactly. They’re either going to be willing, hostile or bored. And we all know what happens when we push a man into a corner. It can only produce a negative disposition. It takes a lot of work people, to effectively communicate. I bet you didn’t think it was that difficult, did you? Or, I bet you thought you were communicating effectively already. Nope! Keep reading.

With everything in life, if you’re like me, you set goals. In a relationship or when you want to communicate, you have to think about the audience’s goals too, not just yours. You know your goal. Your goal is to get your point across, maybe to end a relationship or to save one. He/she, while you’re talking, is trying to figure out YOUR goal. They’re asking themselves, “why is he/she trying to communicate with me? Is she/he being genuine? Is he/she breaking up with me?” So, before we attempt to communicate, make your goal clear. Tell him/her what you’re about to tell him/her. Give clear instructions-”I want you to listen before you say anything’ or ‘can you turn the TV off and listen to what I have to say’ or ‘are you willing to work on something with me?’ and wait for an answer. Once you give instructions, apply practical information and give realistic examples. Example: “I need to talk to you about how you made me feel when you hung up on me the other night.” is better than saying “I hate when you ignore me”. The latter tells the listener exactly what offended you, ‘the other night when he/she hung up on you’. Another thing, tell the listener what you minimum requirements are. No man wants to sit and listen to you go on and on about something not knowing how long it’s going to take or how much he has to contribute. So, tell him, “I want you to listen but I also want you to tell me how it makes you feel.” Or, hit him with, “I want you to listen and I need feedback. If you don’t give me feedback, we’ll have to revisit this topic again and I know you don’t want to.” Now, that may come off as a threat but you can end that statement with, “….and I really want to know what you’re thinking.” Now, doesn’t that sound better? There’s nothing I hate more than talking to a guy about something that means a lot to me and he has nothing to say. That does two things for me. It tells me he doesn’t care and it makes me shut down…completely.

Ladies, we have to learn how to adapt too. If the only way you can get him in the mood to talk is putting on that get up and those heels he likes, do it! Just don’t give up the good beforehand. That defeats that whole purpose. LOL. Don’t become complacent. So, you’ve done this in your other relationships and you think you know what works. Nope! He’s different and you should treat him as such-as an individual. Treat that relationship as if it were the only one you ever had. That shows that you actually give a crap. And, for God’s sake, know your limitations. You can’t get blood out of a stone, so if you know something has never worked, don’t even try it. It won’t work this time either.

You have to have a theoretical purpose and be ready to demonstrate if need be. You know how you sometimes have to tell him how to move, when to stop….when you’re driving people (dirty minds), but no, seriously, the same way you have to direct in those situations, you may have to demonstrate when you’re tying to communicate. It’s a matter of pedagogy vs. andragogy. Pedagogy (to lead the child) vs. Andragogy (to lead the man). Pedagogy takes on a lecture format (you’re just there talking at him) and andragogy takes on a practical approach (you show and they demonstrate understanding). So, you decide if you want to treat him like a child or man because the way you address him and communicate with him is what you’ll get back.

I’m sure you’re on the side of andragogy ;-) I hope so. With andragogy, adults need a few things. We need to learn the reason behind the conversation, so tell him. We need experience to include errors. As you communicate, leave some room for error. You both may slip up and say something the other person doesn’t like. That’s expected if you’re not used to communicating like this. Let him know it’s okay if this happens and let him know that it may happen with you too. Adults need to be responsible for their decisions and involvement in planning and evaluating, so let him know that this is not all about you, that his input is just as important. Here’s an important one. Adults are most interested in communication that have immediate relevance. So, don’t try talking to him/her about something that happened five months ago or will happen six months from now. Stick with the matter at hand-keep it current. And to round it off, keep in mind that adults respond better to internal motivators vs. external. So, even though you think he’d respond better to you if he thinks he’s getting some, trust me, that won’t do it. He has to want to communicate in order for you to get feedback.

And when you’ve determined that you want andragogy on your side, go for it and get ready for praxis (the intersection between theory and practice). Expect and push for practical application of that theory. Together, you two should work towards putting it into action. Praxis, by definition is ‘the active process of engaging, applying, exercising, realizing or practicing ideas’. Adults are self-directed. Allow him/her to discover things on his/her own, while you provide guidance and reassurance when mistakes are realized. Has this ever happened to you? You’re ‘arguing’ with him/her and as you’re both carrying on, he/she says something that proves your point? Self realization. Or, the reverse, you’re both ‘arguing’ and he/she finally says what’s really bothering them? You want that but you want it in a better format than arguing. You want to be communicating.

When we’re attempting to communicate with someone we care for, we often times, forget to encourage and give praise. Two different things. Praise is general, it places value on the quality of the feedback you’re getting, it emphasizes feelings of the person speaking, it only works when he/she believes you’re being genuine and it creates cognitive dissonance.
Encouragement is specific. It emphasizes and values effort. It emphasizes feeling of the person being spoken to, it lets him/her judge themselves and works with people who have low self esteem and it minimizes cognitive dissonance. So, try to praise and try to do little encouraging. Tell him/her how great they are at specific things. Don’t have it seem as if everything they do is horrible and if you’re offering encouragement, let them know you’ll be working on that issue WITH them.

You’re sitting at work, thinking about how you’re going to approach a certain subject with him/her, a subject that must be addressed and NOW. Remember that you need an effective introduction and conclusion. You must have basic organization, use effective language and your delivery technique must be on point. So, plan it out. Have an opener that will grab his/her interest. Organize your thoughts so you don’t sound like you’re rambling, speak clearly and don’t curse (he/she’ll get defensive) and be calm and upbeat as you speak. No one wants to talk to someone who’s already defeated. And let it be clear that you’re finished. Have a smooth conclusion that elicits feedback. You don’t want to leave with questions pending. Let them know what you want them to do with the information you just shared.

So, you’re done with your talk. Now what? Gauge your feedback and if it seems the message didn’t get across after all your hard work, get the hell out!!!! LMAO!
　
　

　

I'm going to be a Mummy!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: This is a long blog-just preparing you (as if they all aren't). But, give it a go. And, again, thank you for loving enough to support what I love. I truly appreciate you ♥

I THINK I WAS BLOCKING MY BLESSINGS!!!!

I went to church today. Man, I missed going; I‘ve been blaming work for my absence but the truth is, I haven‘t been making that much of an effort-all that changes now. The Greater Ebenezer Baptist Church. And, Keisha must have called my pastor and told him I was coming and he should speak directly to me. Why do I say that? Because, I felt that he was. Each week, he speaks to me but today was different. This was the first time in a long time that I went to church and I wasn’t mad, sad nor in between. I was at peace and oh so grateful, grateful for everything that God has given me. But, as of late, I’ve been struggling with something. I’ve been struggling with the clock that seems to be ticking out of control in my body, mind and soul. I think it has something to do with the season-this is when families get together and I’m yet to start mine.
I want a family. I crave the beginning of one actually. But, I can’t start a family on my own. I need a partner. There are options but I don’t want just any old guy to father my child. I want someone who will adore me and our kids, who will be there, who will fall in love with our family as I know I will. I want the one made just for me. I want my Boaz. Where’s my Boaz? Did he get caught up in Atlanta’s crazy traffic? We know how I285 and I20 are ;-) Was his flight delayed? Is he working the night shift and sleeping all day? Nope, none of the above. He’s right there, preparing for his Ruth-ME.

The name Boaz literally means By Strength, and it seems to celebrate man's personal vigor. A strength that surpasses all aspects of life and love. Boaz is strong; strong and confident enough to love freely, strong and confident enough to exhibit emotions openly, strong and confident enough to show weakness, to ask for help from his Ruth, strong and confident enough to protect his Ruth and let his Ruth know he needs her. That’s my Boaz and if that’s what comes with him, I’ll wait. I’ll wait on my Boaz.

Kel, you’ve been talking about this ‘Boaz’ for a while now. Who in the world is Boaz and what’s the big deal about him? Well, you know I like clarity-you know I leave nothing to misinterpretation and as such, I‘ll clear it up for you, but you have a do a little reading. Click on the link below (bottom of this page#1), read and you’ll understand that every woman has a Boaz and should settle for nothing less. And men, really read this and see how you can prepare to be a Boaz for your Ruth, if you already haven’t done so.

Okay, so now that we all know the story of Ruth and her Boaz, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of this blog. I’m 30 something; I’m single, and I’m sensational, most of the time. I don’t want it to be most of the time. I need it to be all the time and that’s why I’ve decided to stop blocking my blessings.

I want a baby. I’d love to have one next year or be on that path. I’m getting up there and I must admit, it’s scaring me that if I wait too much longer, I won’t be able to have one at all or I’ll have a difficult and dangerous pregnancy. I want neither. What would be great with this baby is a mate to be there for me and our precious bundle of joy. I’m ready. I’m ready for the family. I’m ready. I’ve got all this love to give and I keep wasting it on the not-so-deserving. I want to matter to someone. I want to make a difference in someone’s life and I want that to be my child and my husband. I want to build something with someone, something substantial, meaningful. I want to give love and have it reciprocated. I want to take care of someone and have someone take care of me. So, in order to get to that goal, I must take the necessary steps. I must prepare myself so that I can be THE best mom and wife.

As I do with all other aspects in my life, I have to set a goal and plan. I have to stick to that plan and not allow anything to derail me. I’m notorious for allowing my emotions to take over my life. I love hard. I mean, really hard and when I’m in a relationship, it’s all about me and that person-it’s all about doing whatever it takes to make that person happy and keeping our relationship seamlessly fun. And, as such, I’ve sacrificed a lot, sometimes, my happiness, my chance at a secure future, my well being and sometimes, my better judgment, all in the name of love. I am the ultimate romantic, hoping for the fairytale ending.

I went through a very, very, very rough patch in my life where it seemed nothing was going right-where all I knew was pain, hurt, unsurity, fear, lies, tears-where it seemed as if God had deserted me. He hadn’t. I’d just been blocking my blessings, keeping people in my life who stole my joy and made me spiritually constipated. Along with all this negativity, I was starving myself of things that would make me better able to take care of me. I got my citizenship, finally, after many years of putting it off. I was so focused on my ex and had tunnel vision. I waited for years before I got my Master’s when I could have done it many years earlier. I held out on starting my PhD. I was focused on love and had blinders on. I didn’t take a chance at owning my own home because I was waiting to do it with someone. I was focused on the fairytale and was living in a nightmare. I didn’t have a child because….well, that’s a longer story. You’ll have to read my first book for that one ;-)

But, as I did with these aspects in my life, the citizenship, my Master’s, my home, I had to purge myself of the person in my life who was blocking my blessings-who, at that time had no long term potential and who seemed to be dragging me down. I don’t believe in wasting time. While I was wasting time with the inconsequential, happiness was possibly passing me by. You remember my last blog-and if you don’t, try #2 below.

I hate that people take advantage of the time they have with the ones they claim to care about-they think they will always be around and they don’t have to rush in spending time with them. Why must we always wait until it’s too late? Until that person is gone and we kick ourselves, wishing we’d said those words or made them a priority, instead of an option?

It’s been a long time coming. I’ve had what I thought were relationships but they weren’t relationships at all; they weren’t unions or partnerships. They were just instances where two people spent time together for a lack of anything better to do, thinking it was a relationship. I’ve been blessed. God’s given me qualities that people seem to like being around. Trouble is that HE’s also made me quite UNIQUE; I’m set in my ways-I’m not hard to deal with per se; I’m just not a pushover. I’m someone who doesn’t stand for anyone who will not make me happy, who will disrespect me-and the minute it seems that my happiness is threatened or that my emotions could be in jeopardy because I‘m the only one thinking long term, I’m outtie baby. I run! And yes, my methods are unconventional, maybe a bit wacky, but that’s how my defense mechanism works. It’s that fight or flight mechanism-and if you don’t think I’m worth the fight, then I’m taking flight and I’m not coming back. I don’t look back-I never go back to a relationship that didn’t work. #3
I will give 110% until I can give no more and then I call it quits. I never just leave either; I give the old warnings. I tell you I’m not happy. I tell you that things need to change. I ask you to help us; and, if you don’t take me seriously or make any attempt at helping me get us back to where we were when we were happy, I have no choice but to find my happiness without you. Because, I can be unhappy all by myself; in fact, I won’t be unhappy alone. I don’t allow myself to get to that point alone. #4Kelly, you’re educated, funny, beautiful. Why are you single? Well, I think it’s because my guy hasn’t come yet and I‘m impatiently choosing what‘s available. I’m blocking my blessings. I’ve met many people who’ve wanted to be with me and few people I’ve wanted to be with but either way, God made sure we didn’t leave any ties (no kids, no properties together, no diseases) and for that, I’m so thankful. Because we had no ties, I could walk away, either breaking a heart or having mine broken-nothing I couldn‘t get over with time. I think any man would be lucky to have me in his corner and he would be a fool to think otherwise. What I’ve found is that I’m meeting men who seem to be intimidated by or resentful of me. They aren’t where they want to be and think that I am. And as such, they feel they won’t be able to meet my expectations (the ones they made up in their heads) because one day, I’ll realize I don’t need them and I’ll leave. Dumbasses! These fools haven’t figured it out yet-that I want a partnership. I want to be there for them when they can’t stand alone. I want them to be there for me in my moments of weakness. I don’t care what he has as long as he’s willing to build together, be strong together, grow together. That’s how you create memories stupid. You create them together, out of little or nothing. They don’t know what struggles I’ve had to go through, how many tears and pain I’ve had to overcome, how close I’ve come to dying-yep, dying-they don’t know that I had to and still have to fight to keep this smile on my face-the same smile that I’m told I hardly ever wear. These men think because I don’t complain and I ‘get ‘er done’ that it’s all easy for me. I just make it look that way. But, the ultimate conclusion is, as I’ve been told, I attract those types of people because they are the type of people I want.

Okay, at first, I didn’t agree with that and it would actually infuriate me to hear people say it. Why would I want to have a guy who’s insecure? Well, maybe I was insecure. Maybe I needed to be needed. And I attracted men who seemed to need me initially and the moment they didn’t, I had to leave. There’s some truth to that. But, the part that I don’t agree with is the ‘me leaving if they don’t need me’. I try to make each relationship work- I truly do, but because these are people I normally would not give the time of day, it’s almost like self sabotage. I know they won’t work so I enter into them just anticipating the end. It’s almost like space fillers-but with emotions attached. There go the blocking of blessings again. I don’t want to do that anymore. Each person I meet, takes a piece of me and in turn, alters the person I am and that subsequently leaves me with more to work on before Boaz arrives. I have had to kiss a few frogs but I know that in time, I’ll find my prince. #5
I get my fair share of attention. I have met some wonderful men-men who’ve made me happy to some extent, for some period of time but for some reason or another, we just didn’t work out. When my Boaz comes along, I’ll know exactly why none of my other relationships worked. I’m very greedy-I mean, very greedy. I require attention. Not just from anybody-from the person I’m with. I want it all and that’s because I give it all too. Yep, it has to be all about me and not in the crazy, needy, stalker way either. Let me explain. As I do, I want to be considered when making crucial decisions. I want to be a thought when it’s time for QT. I want him to think of things for us to do that will bring us closer together. Like any partnership, it takes constant strengthening. As I would, he should consider ways of making our bond stronger, memorable and unique-special-one of a kind. Things we do, he should not do with anyone else. They should be unique to just us. That’s just me though. Whatever we did in the beginning to get each other should continue throughout and in fact, be enhanced. If I have specific interests (writing, family, exercise), he should take a genuine interest, because it’s a part of me and I would do the same for him.

I’ve found that I’m meeting guys who pretend to be interested in my interests in the beginning (reading my blogs, my books, hanging with my friends, going places I like, exercising with me) but that fades as time goes on and he feels he’s ‘got me’. And when I stay with someone like that, I’m blocking my blessings. That’s just an indication of what to expect in the long run, if we go that far. I can expect monotony and a lack of effort in enhancing our bond.

Ladies, you meet a guy and he never invites you over. You stick with him because you don’t mind him coming over to your place. You’re blocking your blessings. New guy used to call and text twenty times a day to say he’s thinking of you or send you cute emails just because. Now, you’re lucky if you get one phone call and one text. You stick with it. You’re blocking your blessings. New guy is fun but not someone you’d normally be attracted to, but because you don’t want to be alone, you stay with him. You’re blocking your blessings. You travel for work and only have limited time at home. He doesn’t seem to make it a point to make plans with you nor does he seem to realize how important your time with him is. You keep waiting for him to get it together but he’d rather go hang with his boys and stop by to see you after midnight. You allow this to go on. You’re blocking your blessing. He’s not working. Just lost his job and you’re footing the bills. He doesn’t seem to be pushing to find a job. You stick around because at least you have a warm body beside you. You’re blocking your blessings. You’ve never met his family or friends but who cares? He’s spending all this time with you. You’re blocking your blessings. You see where I’m going with this, so I don’t need to continue on.

So, when I realized it was almost Thanksgiving again and I had not gotten THAT invite for dinner, I had to reevaluate everything. Christmas is right around the corner and thought I usually don’t make a big deal about it, this year, I want to but I can’t because this Christmas, I’m not in a relationship, per se. I haven’t heard differently. As far as I’m concerned, I have no ties to anyone and no one to me, so that cruise I want to take with my girl, I guess it’s on. I have to seriously think about why this has to be the last year that I spend the holidays alone. I have to stop blocking my blessings with people who pale in comparison to my Boaz. I will learn to be patient. I will learn how to say no when they come out of the woodworks and tell me they’ve been watching me from afar (go right back there and watch). I will learn to love me more than any man would-love me enough to know that I deserve the best-that man who sees me with fresh eyes every time he sees me, who will cherish time with me before anyone else, who will realize that every moment with me could be the last and treat it as such, who will kiss me as if it were the first time, every time, who will take a genuine interest in my interests, who will not hide me and will be proud to tell his family, friends and the world, actually, how great I am, who will not see me as his fantasy but will see me as his reality. I’ll wait for him because I know he won’t hesitate to say ’I miss you’, ’I love you’. I’ll stop blocking my blessings and I’ll simply wait on my Boaz.

Like pastor said, waiting on God may be painful but it’s necessary. God may not be on my time but his effect affects me everyday. All things in God’s time. We don’t like to wait because we hate that silence. Silence forces us to come face to face with ourselves. If I’m never in the reflective place of waiting, I’ll never realize the baggage I’m carrying that I should not be carrying any further. When I get into that place of silent waiting, I go past the surface; I can go deep into what I’ve been blocking. Silence is necessary; it’s a prelude to prayer and so I will pray. I will pray and wait. Psalm 130. I will stop asking and forcing God to give me what I think I want. He won’t give me anything outside of his will and I must accept that. I must wait on God with the expectation of change and that change will come. Psalm 91: We think God has deserted us when all we see is darkness around us. God says, ’I’m there. That darkness is my shadow. The adversary sees me hovering over you and that’s why you are not harmed.’ Wait on revelation. And, so, I will do just that.
I will stop watching that clock that seems to be ticking out of control inside my mind and body and I will wait. I will wait for the happiness I deserve-the happiness that comes without confusion. The happiness that comes without lies. I’ll wait on that happiness that comes when someone craves me as much as I crave them, someone who will profess his feelings for me as I will. Someone who can come to me in tears knowing I will hold him and make everything okay. I will wait on my Boaz-and in time, all the rest will fall into place….just like it is for other aspects in my life.

I see very few blogs following this one. I‘m getting ready to make them into a book-because while I’m still going to be 30 plus, I’m going to focus more on loving me than on being single. I’m going to close this chapter of my book, in preparation for the next. I’m going to receive my blessings and in turn, take my focus from what I don’t have to what I will have. I WILL WILL it into existence. If you made it all the way to the end of this long blog, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. This is my passion and just knowing that there are people, who appreciate my thoughts, is so heart warming. Thank you so much! Love you guys-seriously. Wish me luck on my new journey ♥

　
BLOG REFERENCES

#1.  http://bible.org/seriespage/two-get-ready%E2%80%94i-story-boaz-and-ruthi

#2.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/11/if-you-died-today.html
　

#4.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/so-thats-why-im-single-that-makes-sense.html

#5.  http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/ive-heard-you-have-to-kiss-few-frogs.html

#3. http://thirtysomethingandsingleandsensation.blogspot.com/2011/09/some-say-ex-makes-sex-spec-ta-cu-lari.html

If you died today.....

If you knew exactly how much time you had left to live, how would your life change? Would your life change?

On Friday, someone was killed yards away from where I lay my head. I said killed, not that they died. I can’t lie, it put the fear of God in me and at that moment, I knew that I had to get off my ass and stop procrastinating-stop waiting around for what I think to be ‘the perfect TIME. There’s no such thing as ‘the perfect TIME. On Friday, I curled up into my little ball, cried a little (because I was hysterical-that could have been me) and I wished I had someone to call to come over and hold me and make me feel safe. When I realized that I didn’t, I had to do a self check. I had to get it together and stop wasting TIME hoping for something that wasn’t there-at least at that TIME. So, I took the step to protecting myself and my little Dexie and I took it alone and it felt good….oh, so good. Update you later.
                                                                 
Heavy D died today, at 44, and now everybody is playing his songs, showing his videos. Is that how this works? Same thing when MJ died. We’d shut him down for ten years and now, his music is all over the radio waves. We have to die before people realize our worth? Before we realize how precious each and every moment is? Well, I think that’s bullshit! I hate that not everyone gives that effort everyday-that we allow those we care about to leave our lives-that we allow those who care about us to walk away! I get it-life happens and we lose track, we become complacent and ‘forget’ to say we love each other or we are too proud to say we give a shit. So, instead, we weep over a casket and then, we express our most heartfelt emotions-to someone who can no longer hear us-who can no longer tell you how much it means to hear you say those words. Nope, not me! I’m telling you I care; I’m telling you I love you; I’m telling you I miss you and I’m damn sure telling you when you’re messing up so that you can fix it and get us back to where your well being in important to me and mine is to you.

I remember when my brother died-remember it like is was just yesterday, probably because in my mind, it was. When someone you love passes away, it remains fresh in the mind-and I think that’s because the wonderful memories you share with them remains fresh too. The last time I saw Damain, I was getting dropped off at the train station to go back to college. He was the mushy one out of the four of us and had no problem expressing his love and affection. He’d just graduated college a few weeks prior but didn’t seem too excited about his future. Now I know why. At the train station, he asked me, “when are you coming back?” I answered, “August 16^th.” He said, “I’ll try to be around.” Can I explain to you how painful that is to even type right now. The tears are beginning to fall down my cheek. He gets me like that-even now-eleven years later. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t spend the TIME to ask him what he meant or to try to figure it out myself. He hugged me then and told me he loved me and I just said, ‘yeah, whatever, get outta here’ like I always did when he told me so. I’d give ANYTHING to go back to that day-to tell him I loved him too and hold him a little bit longer. Had I known that would be the last time I’d see my brother, I would not have left him. I would have stayed and helped him add years to his life-but I left. I took for granted that he’d always be there.

When I got that call telling me that Damain was in the hospital, my world fell apart. That call was different. He was always in the hospital-having sickle cell anemia does that to you. But, this time was different and I knew it. It was all I could do to get home but no matter what I did, I could not get out of Pittsburgh. My flight was cancelled, the buses were late and I just sat on the floor at Concourse A in Pittsburgh, after getting off the phone and I cried. I cried so hard because I was just told that he had passed away. Passed away! How horrible does that sound. It’s almost as if he’d expired-like he had a set date that his life would end. And, you know what? I guess he did and I guess we all do. The thing though is that unlike the milk carton where it says, ‘good before ____’ or ‘expires on ___’, we don’t get that notification. Everyday could be that day. Everyday could be that last hoorah!! And, I wasn’t there to share in his.

I got home the next day. If not for Stacy, I would not have and for that I will love her until the day I die. That’s a whole other blog but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention her here ;-)
　
Can I tell you what makes me sick to my stomach right now, at this moment and every single time I think about it? I didn’t go to his graduation. I could have but I didn’t. I convinced myself he didn’t need me there and that was it. I didn’t go. I stayed home and I slept and when he got back, he didn’t mention it. He didn’t even try to make me feel bad and I wish he did-just so I could let go of some of this guilt that I still feel eleven years later. Another thing that I’m ashamed to admit, but you know me, I will. I don’t have ANY pictures with me and Damain. Nope, not one. I never spent the TIME to have any taken. Here come the tears again. Instead, I have his graduation pic where, where, when I look at it now, I can see where his brain was swelling up, one pic from back in Jamaica and his funeral picture. I don’t have a lot of regrets. I try not to-they weigh me down but I regret, with all my heart, not putting forth that effort to share with my brother, something so simple as being at his graduation or hugging him or saying ‘I love you’. So, now, I go crazy with the camera (yes, you all know that). I snap everything and everyone. I try to hold hostage those memories that mean the world to me-that have made me laugh, cry and smile. I store it all on some type of medium and I revisit them ever so often and I relive those times-those times that warmed my heart. I will never again regret losing someone I love. NEVER!!! I’ll do all I can to make them know-even to the point of making them uncomfortable. So, when you guys see me going crazy on FB with my crazy posts, gimme some leeway here. I’m just trying to share my love for you, with you ;-)

I did see Damain again. Yep! In his white casket. I’d just picked out his clothes and brought it to the funeral home. The guy asked me if I wanted to see him and the look on my face told him that I didn’t want to. I NEEDED to. I looked at my brother laying there, swollen and dark. He didn’t look like my Damain. He was too dark-but then I realized that’s what happens when you have a brain aneurism. But, I knew it was my little brother because when I held his little hands, I could feel his love. When I kissed his frozen face, I still felt his kindness. When I put my head on his chest and told him I loved him, I could feel that he heard me. And, I didn’t cry-not one tear-not that day, at least. I just stayed there with him and I told him everything I wish I had when he was alive.

You reading this! Yeah, you. If tomorrow you realized that there would be no more blogs from me or no more craziness on FB or you’d never hear my voice again-because I died, would it affect your life? How about this one? If you got up tomorrow and the person who seems to have taken up permanent residence in my mind had passed away, would your life be affected then? Would you shed those tears of regret and wish you had just a moment to tell them how much they meant to you? Would you regret that last fight or not giving them that last kiss or telling them how much you missed them? I know I would. And because of this, I try to show my affection for those I care about-not sometimes, but everyday! That’s what you do when you care for someone; you let them know and you let them know often.

I went to see ‘In TIME’ today-at the behest of Simi (you seem to be showing up a lot in my blogs Missy). And, I must say, she was on point. I didn’t know she was psychic though. How did she know I needed to watch that-TODAY!? I sat in that 2hr movie, mesmerized, and I took notes. Yup! I couldn’t help but take notes. That movie was so powerful. It hit on nails I didn’t even know I was hammering. And then, I spent some TIME discussing it with my brother Junior, who, strangely enough is kinda deep. Love you bro ♥

I used to spend my TIME worrying about finding someone with whom to share my happiness, my successes, my sorrows, my woes, my days, my heart and as such, I found everything that was wrong for me. I hated to think of them as TIME wasted but in essence they were-because while I was investing my TIME and heart into them, making them a priority, to them, I was only an option-and to me, that’s TIME wasted and we all know the cliché, TIME wasted cannot be regained.

In the movie, everyone is given a 26 year credit on life. On their 25^th birthday, a clock goes off and at that point, they no longer age, physically that is. On that day, they then begin to use their last year and that last year, ironically is on a clock, embedded in their wrist-like you’d wear a watch. At the end of that year, they just keel over and die-yep, right there where they stand, and no one thinks anything of it. What’s interesting though, is that in that year, they can work and gain extra TIME. They can kill and steal other people’s TIME. They can share TIME with each other. It’s such a realization of human nature and how we view what’s important. I’m going to see it again this weekend because I want to analyze it a bit more.

In that world, everything is paid for in TIME. Food? TIME. Travel? TIME. Rent? TIME. And, it’s so simply written but so deep. I don’t want to give the entire movie away because I’d like you all to go see it and come back and blog with me, but I must say that the writing was so phenomenal that Justin Timberlake’s mediocre acting was overshadowed by the movie's brilliance. I could have acted in it and it still be a great movie.

Andrew Niccol put his foot in this one and Justin Timberlake really did give it a good try. Let me lay something on you, a few of the clichés in the movie (without giving it away, of course). In the movie, people were seen holding each other by the wrists, an action that if seen today, in real life, could be interpreted as being quite intimate/personal. Well, as I think about it, in the movie, they do that to share TIME with each other, or to take TIME from each other. And how intimate is that? How often do we take each other’s TIME for granted? Where we just assume they’ll always be there and their time will never run out and neither will yours. The movie lacks a certain finesse and also a sense of humor but trust me when I tell you that’s not what you’ll be focusing on. You’ll find yourself reminiscing. You’ll find yourself analyzing situations you’re in right now. You’ll find yourself thinking of changes you can make in yourself for those people you care about, right now, right here! It’s deep baby! I wouldn’t lie to you.

On more than one occasion, you’ll here Will (J.Timberlake) make reference to gambling and saying that he doesn’t have TIME to gamble with or that he only gambles with TIME he knows he can win and it made me think of how often I gamble with time, in a new relationship, for example-where I invest my time, hoping to gain in the end and not lose TIME. “How do you win at gambling TIME?” he was asked. He said, “I let them think they have the upper hand. I allow my TIME to dwindle and as it comes down to the last seconds, they start to watch my clock, instead of theirs and that’s when I take it. I take their TIME.” Man, listen, you just have to see the damn movie. How true is that mess? We sit here, watching other people, worrying about what they’re doing. Hating on them for what we think they have. Waiting for them to make a move and then, next thing you know, you’ve lost your TIME.

Will was from the ghetto, where the people there live on a day. That’s all the time they usually have and as such, they have to work everyday to get more time. But, because they know they only have a day, they use it wisely, they enjoy it, they cherish it. A stranger comes into town and is wearing his ‘watch’ out in public, showing that he has 105 plus years to spend. He proceeds to buy everyone drinks and brings attention to himself. Will tries to help him, saying that he could get killed for showing all that TIME but after a little drama scene, Will learns that this guy has been alive for 100 plus years and is mentally drained. The guys asks him ‘if you had all the time I had, what would you do with it?’ He responded, “I wouldn’t watch it and I wouldn’t waste it.” And then, the movie gets juicy. Then Andrew Niccol puts his writer/director hat on.

There was a funny scene (to me, at least), where a hooker was trying to get her earning on. She goes, “I’ll give you ten minutes for an hour.” I damn near died. It’s funny what’s important when your TIME is precious. It’s funny how we watch our clocks/watches when we’re on a deadline. It’s funny how we don’t when we have nothing dire going on. We abuse TIME. We abuse each other’s TIME. We selfishly hold on to people who we know we don’t want a future with just so they can’t have one with anyone else. We rob people of their TIME when we realize they care and use it to boost our egos. We waste TIME holding on to the past when the future isn’t even promised. You go the movie man-go see what happens when someone dies with TIME left on their hand. You’ll love it and it’ll make you rethink the way you do things-and if it doesn’t, I’ll give you all $1.

You know how we have those people in our lives who we only hear from every now and then, who we only text or call twice a year? We have to do a little better than that, huh? Heard in the movie, “Hey, can you spare five minutes?” The response, “Nah, I don’t have time to waste.” Too cool. Five minutes, in the movie could be the difference in your living and dying and as such, you protect it, you cherish it. However, that same five minutes, spent with someone you love or care for, could mean the world. Will asked his squeeze (who was so far out of his league-or so he thought), “What do you want?” She said, “happiness.” He goes, “So, what are you waiting for?” And she was dumbfounded. Makes sense to me. Here he was from the ghetto, living on a day at a TIME and her watch was ticking with over a century. He thought he couldn’t live up to her standards, that she was better than he was, that she couldn’t love him and in turn, he couldn’t give her what she was used to. What he didn’t realize was that it didn’t matter how much TIME she had, what mattered was that she wanted to share it with him. It’s not about what you have, it’s about the quality TIME you spend with the ones you love. It’s about building a future with what you have and using your TIME wisely, not allowing it to run out without getting that happiness.

As I’m writing this (right now), I get a text from a dear friend of mine in New York. ‘I just wanted to say hi and that I miss you’. I haven’t heard from him in months. We used to teach together and he calls me his little sister. We have that kind of bond where if we don’t talk for years, once we do, it’s as if we never did. I ask him what’s up and he tells me he has to go on permanent disability. I ask why and here’s his response, “Kelly, I’m dying, lmao”. He had cancer back in 2003 and beat it, or so he thought. It came back two years ago and he beat it again. But now, as we text back and forth, he’s telling me that because of the meds, he has to go on permanent disability because the meds have eaten away at his bones and it’s hard for him to move around. He’s eight years older than me. Too short! I’m telling you, life is way too short. Too short to be holding out for what you think is better than what you have. So, I tell Michael that I love him and that I hope to see him soon. And I’m not just saying that. I’m going to take a trip to NY and see him and my other friends who have continued to love me even though I don’t return phone calls or answer when they make that attempt.

In the movie, Will shares his winnings with his best friend and like we all do when we get something extra, we……I can’t tell you, you have to go see the movie. You’ll hear a few times throughout the movie, ‘where did my time go?’ and it’ll ring through with such intensity how valuable your time is and the time of others.
I’ve been blessed and yes, it took hard work but this past year and a half, my life has changed. I’ve been able to do for myself what I couldn’t before and I appreciate it every single day and I give thanks to GOD every single day. The way my life is, it seems as if I’m being robbed of my time. I work away from home and only get two days a week to have a semblance of a life. I go home and I want to do it all. I want that two days to represent the entire week and as such, I try to spend it with those who make me happy. I try to do things that will leave a lasting memory on my heart. The problem is that I’m wasting the other five days, worrying about the two that I can’t wait to get home to. You see, I want to be happy and more times than not, I ‘think’ I am. And, that may be because I don’t have much to compare it to. I used to think that I needed someone to be happy. I don’t but it would enhance it. So, when I’m out on the road, I close that door for possibilities, thinking that the person for me in only in Atlanta. How foolish! Little do I know that my Boaz could be right here in Indiana or Chicago or the airport in between and instead of wasting my TIME focusing on what isn’t focused on me, I need to enjoy my ME TIME and be open to the possibilities. But, Kelly, I thought you said you can’t waste TIME waiting around? I did say that and I stand firm to that. I’m saying that right now, you may not have the one you want or you may not be happy where you are (work, money, love, family) but you have today. You have today to make a difference in your life and possibly in the life of someone else. Use that TIME to not dwell on things you can’t change nor should you use that TIME to plan too far ahead for a future that’s not guaranteed. Use this TIME right now to live and to love.

I’ve got a few things planned and if my clock permits, I hope to carry them out, with someone or by myself. Either way, it’s going down. I’m going to travel like I always wanted to, hitting every spot on my Bucket List. Oh yeah, speaking of bucket lists-I need to update mine because it seems I’ve done quite a few and need to remove some things that, not only doesn’t it look like they’re going to happen, but I’ve accepted that if I don’t get to do those, it’s okay ;-) I got to skydive. If my clock ticks to next May, I’m going to Paris. Monday brings something new for me and in a month, another change (fingers crossed). It’s all about patience, sacrifice and longevity and I’ve got those-all I need is the TIME. Can you spare some?

Yep, I know this was a long blog-that’s Kelly for you-long winded. I have a lot to say and you know I have to get it out-I have to share. And, the fact that you read this far means a lot to me. I love you for loving me enough to share in what makes me smile. But, seriously though, go see ‘IN TIME’-go see it tonight-don’t waste any TIME in doing so. LOL! You’ll be glad you did and after you see it, you better come on back here and drop me a comment or two.


You'll love it, I promise!  

No, I'm not a Lesbian. I just love my women!!!!

Ain't Nothing Like Girl Power! Nothing!!!

As a woman, it’s hard having female friends. I know you’ll say, ‘I have tons of female friends’. I’m not talking about the girls you went to college with, or the ladies at the beauty salon or even those you see when they come into town for Homecoming. I’m not talking about the girls at your job or the ones who call you up to go clubbing. I’m talking about the women in your life who you can open up to, who you can truly be yourself with, who you can trust to be themselves with you. I was told a long time ago that you only truly need one real girlfriend but if you’re blessed enough to have more, you’re so much richer for it. I was! ;-)

I’ve been lucky to have had some special women in my life. What’s been so wonderful is that they all came at different stages in my life. These women grew up with me, not all at the same time however. God sent them to me at pinnacle points of my growth process and I’m happy to say I hold a special bond in my heart for each and every one of them.

I’ve had my BFFs. I know you’re saying, ‘Kelly, how do you have BFFs’? Well, like I said, they came at different stages in my life and what’s funny is that I lost all but one of them for many years but God has seen it fit to bring us back together. Funny stories-all of them J Oh ladies!!!!

I have two wonderfully close friends who I went to college with, who understand my qualms and offer up good memories every time we talk, which is not very often.
And, I have a few girlfriends who encourage me from afar. These women have come back into my life via FB and we’ve just connected splendidly across the waves.
What’s crazy about this whole thing is that I don’t get to see my ladies. We all live in different places, save for one (who will be moving out of the country soon too) but that string of camaraderie, laughter and love keep us together.

To all my beautiful sisters, this is a shout out to you!!!!! Can you figure out which one you are?

I met Ms. Sweet as Pie when I was, uhm, a long time ago. I was back in Jamaica and attending Mo-Bay High. We lived about three minutes from each other and I wish someone would have tried to separate us. Oh, we weren’t having it. And not only were we besties but we took it to a whole new level. We asked a friend of ours to cut us and yep, we did the ‘blood sister’ thing. I guess ignorance is bliss because we didn’t consider any evils. We didn’t think anything of it. It seemed natural and to this day, we still talk about it. We lost touch for twenty years….yep, twenty years and FB brought us back together….and it’s like no time has passed. We just clicked like we clicked when we’d chase boys together. Funny thing is that we’re both still ‘chasing’ boys, without the chase, that is. Both single and refusing to settle. Hilarious. I hope to see her soon so I can get one of those big ole hugs she’s good for. She lives in Florida but that’s just a plane ride away.

--What’s great about her? Everything. She’s beautiful, sweet and honest to a fault.

Ms. Longevity and I met in Bronx Community College. We're talking seventeen years. I had my screw face on and we were in music class. This chick right here-I love her to death. She IS the bomb diggidy! We lived about three minutes away and nary was a day we didn’t see each other. What’s funny is that we’d always not be talking to each other-to this day, we don’t know why. But, even though we would never be talking to each other, we’d go to school together, eat together and I wish someone would mess with the other one. This broad, makes me laugh soooo hard and there’s never a time I think about her that a smile or a chuckle doesn’t cross my lips. No one but us would ever understand what we're talking about. We've got our own code that not even teh CIA can crack-and they've tried ;-) Yeah, we’ve been through some stuff and she’s preparing me for motherhood. I haven’t seen her in about ten years and I can’t wait to see her soon. I just don’t want to go to Buffalo during a snow storm.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially that she has no qualms about telling me she loves me and she makes me feel so good about telling her too. She’s so loving and openly demonstrates that and she’s the one person who I would feel comfortable opening up to emotionally-endless hugs and ‘I love you’s’ for no reason. We don’t need one. Love you girl!

My Sista-Soldier and I met in college. We hated each other. Not sure why. Had no reason to. Didn’t even know each other. What brought us together? The same thing that has now torn us apart. Mr. Wrong. But, you know what, the fifteen years I’ve known her have been quite a trip. We’ve had so many ups and very few downs. The problem is that our downs are brutal. They cut deep and that’s because what we’ve shared goes very deep….to the core and she’s the only person who knows me well enough to dig that deep and I’m the only person who knows her well enough to cause an effect. She’s great. She’s always been there for me and I’ve tried my best to be there for her. But, this last time, things became irreparable-for now, at least. She’s been through a lot but you know what’s good? She is strong and without me, she’ll get stronger. I hope so. I hope that our separation is worth it. Afterall, I didn't get this damn tattoo for nothing! Forever, we said, right!? So take this time and we'll meet up when fate deems us ready-AGAIN! I guess she didn’t need me to go to Pittsburgh this time. Sista soldier, I love you, always will and I guess this is our season of separation.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially her giving nature. That giving nature is also her only weakness.

Ms. Sardonic was THE best roommate one could ask for. Now, this roommate has become a very good friend. Sardonic has that dry humor and sarcasm that just makes me smile. I love it. Don’t you ever change girl. I love you just the way you are. This tough army chick is really very sensitive-to me at least. Shhh, I won’t tell anyone you’re really a softie. That will be our little secret. This chica here taught me about chiggers and I’ll be the first to say I’m in no rush to go to Texas so she’ll just have to meet me in Paris or Italy. We don’t get to talk to each other much but our communication is remarkable-and it’s only getting better. It’s been 10 years since I saw this chick and dammit woman, let’s fix that!!!!

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially how great she has the tendency to make me feel. She always knows just when I need that boost. Sardonic, you’re my girl, girl!

Ms. Philosophical lives in Chester. Where the hell is that? Pennsylvania and it’s been ten years since I saw her. She’s going to be a tough one to see but I’ll do my best to make it happen. I miss our hang out times. We met in college and didn’t really bond until after. We hardly talk now. Months may go by without any communication but man, when we catch each other, we’re talking hours of crazy talk and catching up. And I love her. She’s such a sweetheart and you want advice? She’s got you on that too-always. One of the best people I know-a heart of gold-and a mind like a steel trap.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially how she never judges. She is always ready to offer her advice and even ram it down your throat but what’s crazy is that she’s always right, even is she’s usually too late.

It was back in high school, Westwood High to be exact, that I met Ms. Positive and she hasn’t changed one bit. She’s still that wonderful, genuine, positive person I met back then. Not to mention she’s downright gorgeous-just as gorgeous as she was in high school. I haven’t seen her since, uhn, yeah, that long, maybe twenty two years and just like that FB brought us back together. Gotta plan a Jamaica trip to see you or one when you come here-or dammit, anywhere for that matter. Let me tell you about her. A more positive person you’ll never meet. She is so encouraging and never has there been a day that she didn’t have something good to say, post or respond to. So, I travel for work and I had a knack of writing funny post about my travels. Ms. Positive took that and offered up some advice. Why don’t you start a blog and see if it can grow into something monetary. And I’m doing just that and you best believe that if it ever takes off, she’s surely getting her due royalty. Girl, you make me feel like I could move mountains on days when I can barely get over the hill and I love you for that. Don’t you dare ever change.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially the fact that she never seems to have a bad day-and if/when she does, the whole world doesn’t know about it. She doesn’t entertain drama and a more classy woman one will never meet. You go girl!!!

Ms. Motivator thinks I’m funny as ish. But, no, that’s not why she’s special to me. The reasons are too numerous but some stand out. She’s a real lover and believes in fairytales. And she’ll get her fairytale, once she realizes what I already know about her. She’s fantastic, funny, beautiful, loving, sweet, kind, a great mom, wonderful mate and overall just the cat’s meow! She’ll get that confidence back too once she gives herself that kick in the ass and takes my advice and just go, go, go-have that me day-have the extra piece of umph pie. Girl, you’re special and don’t you let anyone tell you or convince you otherwise. You had one big bump but don’t you dare let that stop you from getting through it and living again. And man, don’t you know how to make a gal feel great. If I were a comedian, I’d want you in the front row because girl, you have me thinking I’m funnier than Dave Chapelle.

-What’s great about her? Everything-especially how modest she is. I’m gonna have to get her a mirror so she can see what I see. I’ll bring it to Florida when I come to visit J If only you really knew how much you motivate me-maybe then I could motivate you ;-0

So, Ms. Down for Whatever is leaving the country and will she be missed? You damn right she will but I believe the lines of communication will not be severed and besides, I already have a trip planned, so you better not mess that up J This mamacita here is quite a prize. Her sarcasm and wit-unmatchable. I haven’t known her for long but it sure feels like it. Easy to talk to and just OPEN. Open to listening and sharing. Great qualities and her husband is a lucky man for snagging her. Always on it? Yes, she is. Let there be something I need answered or problem solved-she’s on it like nobody’s business. And she’s dependable. Yeah, we went skydiving together. Now who else would trust me enough to take me up on such a random suggestion? And do we have fun!? Uhm, yeah-she’s Ms. Down for Whatever, right? So, if she’s around, the party has begun. Did I mention her insane obsession/love for shoes like me? Oh girl, how I’m going to miss you ;-( And does she have attitude!? Love it!

-What’s great about her? How about Everything-especially her style and flare. But, seriously, she’s just great, fun, and one of the sweetest ppl I know. Don’t you let that hot weather change you ;-)

So, my ladies are nowhere close to where I am but they’re close to my heart and I treasure then. Ladies, if I haven’t told you lately, I’m telling you now. You’re appreciated. You’re loved. You’re special. You’re fantastic and I love you for being YOU!

Forget Charlie: You’re My angels!!!!